Category: Blog Posts

How well do you manage your emotions? How about other people’s emotions? Can you read what they’re feeling and use this awareness to improve your relationships? If so, then you likely have a high EQ or Emotional Quotient. 

Unlike other measurements of intelligence, your EQ fluctuates throughout your life and you can drastically improve it through increased awareness. An article from Eric Barker, New Neuroscience Reveals 5 Secrets That Will Make You Emotionally Intelligent, talks about this in detail.

How do we develop this side of ourselves and how do we integrate this information with your thinking process? It appears to be a matter of mastering the following five steps, according to Eric Barker:

 

Step 1: Recognize your feelings

Feelings are things like joy, irritation, hunger, fatigue, boredom, confusion, pain, anticipation, pride, embarrassment, tension, and so on. The list is endless and I often advise my clients to get a thesaurus or dictionary and copy down as many “feeling” words as they can find. It is important to refine your repertoire of feelings and feeling words so that you can expand your consciousness about your EQ.

It’s also important to remember that you always feel your feelings first. Because of how you are “wired” thoughts or interpretations come after feelings. It is useful to notice those feelings consciously before your conscious mind decides to ignore them or misinterpret them.

 

Step 2: Interpret those feelings 

The key element here is to realize that feelings are basically neutral. That is, they are neither good nor bad; they are just feedback. For example, anger may feel unpleasant to you and therefore, something to suppress. However, the feeling of anger is neither good nor bad; it is just feedback about something important for you to know. Try to view all of your feelings as feedback about the way you sense your environment. One person may be triggered to feel angry about something, while another may be triggered to laugh.

Once you get this, try to understand the root of your feelings. What made you feel like this?

 

Step 3: Label your feelings

Did you know that saying the word “anxiety” reduces anxiety?

Quoting from Permission to Feel, written by Marc Brackett who is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence:

“…participants who were identified as having extreme fear of spiders—arachnophobia—were placed in a room with a caged spider. Some subjects used emotion words to describe their feelings in that situation, while others used emotion-neutral words to simply state the facts. The result? Members of the first group were able to take more steps closer to the cage than the other participants. Additionally, greater use of words such as “anxiety” and “fear” during exposure to the spider was associated with reductions in those emotions.”

Acknowledging your feelings will make you more powerful.

 

Step 4: Express your feelings and act on them

If you feel hungry or fatigue, it’s easy to decide to eat or sleep. But decision-making is more complex when the feelings are part of a financial plan for your business or a problematic relationship. This is where EQ really helps. Individuals who have trusted their EQ throughout childhood and have refined and developed those skills into adult life are in a much better position to make successful decisions.

You’ll improve any situation, be it familial or business, if you improve your EQ. When you’re able to feel your feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, you have an advantage over those who rely solely on intellect to make decisions.

 

Step 5: Regulate your feelings

Among other things, in his article Barker talks about the power of positive self-talk. Being empathic with yourself it’s like a friend reassuring you and your brain is able to move easier over difficult moments from your life.

This point is enforced in Permission to Feel:

“In one experiment, subjects were shown neutral and disturbing images or asked to recall negative moments from their own lives. By monitoring their emotional brain activity, the researchers found that the subjects’ distress decreased rapidly—within one second—when they performed self-talk in the third person compared with the first person.”

 

Get to know yourself. Spend time with your friends and family. Make sure you dedicate some time for self-care and your hobbies. It’s easier to analyse yourself when your mind is rested. If you need professional help, you can contact me to schedule an online appointment on my Contact page.

Social Isolation Isn’t New for Us.

Like everyone else, I am slowly coming to terms with my new life of isolating myself through social distancing, staying home, washing my hands constantly, and ordering all my groceries on-line. Among the many safety precautions, I have heard recently from radio show hosts, newscasters, politicians and scientists, I am considering if I should wear nitrile gloves when I pick up my mail, and then store it outside for three days, before I open it. Apparently, the virus can last for 72 hours on many surfaces. Sheesh! There is so much to learn and quickly.

The Covid 19 Pandemic has me a little upside down and backwards. I’m used to handling emergencies, but this one is confusing isn’t it? Even more so, when we NTs have to manage our autistic family members. Yes, I know many autistics will hate that word, “manage.” But those of us who live with them know full well that this is exactly what we have to do. It’s life or death.

Our lives, as those who love adults on the Autism Spectrum (and children too) have taught us to take charge during emergencies. We learned long ago to put our needs aside in a split second when there was an ASD meltdown or ASD Empathy Dysfunction in parenting. And because there are plenty of these emergencies in homes where autistic people live, our needs are put aside often enough that we NTs are very familiar with social isolation. We have experienced it for years. 

Ironically, we already know a lot about social isolation. What we are working on is self-care in the face of autism in the family. We are trying to take back our lives and be authentic when we can. Then along comes a world pandemic and we are thrown back into our role as Super-Hero Care Giver. This blog is dedicated to those Super-Heroes, so that you have a wee moment to reclaim your life amid the chaos.

Super-Heroes United.

I was delighted today at a teleconference dedicated to members of our support groups, on Meetup ( https://www.meetup.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Partners-Family-of-Adults-with-ASD/ ) and ASPERGER SYNDROME & Relationships: Life With an Adult on the Autism Spectrum (www.asd-ntrelationships.com). Delighted? Yes, because this amazing group of people came together to offer hope, support and problem solving for other NTs who are struggling to keep their families safe. It’s not easy handling our own fears of Covid 19, without also having to calm the fears of our ASD loved ones — or try to keep them safe from their own thoughtless impulses. 

(By the way, the call was recorded for members. If you want to listen again, please go to the websites above. If you are new to our group, please join).

Among the stories shared, we heard members struggling to get their ASD loved ones to simply cover their mouths when they cough, or to wash their hands (all over their hands). Some NT members work in the health care field and have to be extra cautious when they come home from work, to change clothes and clean up. However, their ASD partners think nothing of exposing the family to their work contacts. There were many examples of ASD behaviors that were frightening to our NT members; such as continuing to go to the public gym, or taking the risk to visit a sick friend. 

Still others on the call shared their anguish for being blamed by their ASD partners for being overly dramatic about the risks of Covid 19. Or the exact opposite, where the ASD partner becomes so consumed with emergency preparedness that they can’t see the forest for the trees, to balance preparedness with quality family time. 

How can they not see the dangers and that we are trying to help? Why can’t they be supportive and respectful during such a major crisis? Instead their ASD anxiety shoots through the roof, making it next to impossible to process what is best for others. 

On the other hand, this group of NTs got it. Immediately. With each caller who spoke, the entire group got it. One by one people came onto the call and spoke of their support and admiration for each other, in this very tough time.

Tips to Stay the Course with Autistic Loved Ones During the Pandemic.

Members on the call were also freely offering advice on what works for them. As NTs in relationship with ASD family members, we do need extra special care. After all who else is there to take care of the family, if we don’t take care of ourselves first?

This list is in no particular order. Take what works for you.

1. Breathe. Apparently for us take charge Super-Heroes we may suppress some of our normal bodily functions in order to make ourselves quickly available for any emergency. You will be much more effective if you breathe and stretch.
2. Shake. There is a growing body of evidence that shaking our bodies does wonders for our immune system. It also relieves Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms. Since massage is out of the question, try shaking your arms and legs. Go for a walk, or ride your bike where it is safe.
3. Vitamins. Take your vitamins, not just your usual multi-vitamin, but in this time of incredible stress, increase those supplements that support your immune system. Check with your integrative medicine specialist. Vit B-12, Vit C, and Zinc are my favorites.
4. Talk. Talk to each other. Share yourself and your stories in our forums. Where else will you find others who know exactly what you are going through? We may have to adhere to guidelines for social distancing out there, but online there is no limit to whom you can “touch” and connect with. You are not alone with us.

 

Thank you all very much. You are Super-Heroes.

Dr. Kathy

When you discover that your child or partner has “Asperger’s Syndrome”, it makes you feel utterly helpless. I know, because I’m a trained psychologist, with a master’s degree in social work and a doctoral degree in psychology and I still felt that way about my own daughter who, by the age of 14, was officially diagnosed with ASD.

Being a helicopter parent or codependent partner is a natural outcome of the crazy-making AS/NT world. Our natural instincts are to protectively hover over our loved ones, when they have such a serious disability.

The world has come a long way since my daughter was a teen. In January 2020, the American Academy of Pediatrics released a new report summarizing the latest finding and treatment strategies for children on the Autism Spectrum.

A few important points from the report from Psychology Today:

• There is a continuous rise in the numbers of children diagnosed with Autism.
• About a quarter of children with autism experience a regression in language or social skills (between 18 and 24 months old).
• Effective interventions: address specific autism behaviors and identifies triggers for them.
• It’s important to pay attention to medical conditions that often occur with autism spectrum disorders, but can be treated separately – treating them can improve a child’s quality of life.
• Seek help and plan for the transition between adolescence and adulthood. This is a very important transition for people on the spectrum.

 

The report is underlying the importance of seeking professional help and working with a trained specialist to address specific autism behaviors and identify triggers for them. I put these words in bold to make a point.

Along my 40 years of offering professional help for people on the spectrum and their families, I often had people finding me and reaching out because they wanted the best help available and then going with a cheaper and obscure option because it was easier. I never heard back from some, but others contacted me again after some time passed realizing they’ve done more damage than good to their relationships.

ASD was often misdiagnosed in the past and a general psychologist might not be able to see it. Couple therapy won’t help repair an AS/NT relationship if the partner on the spectrum is not correctly diagnosed. Without this, therapy might leave the Neuro-Typical feeling alone and misunderstood. Depression and anxiety are a step away.

If you have a very expensive electric car and its electric battery malfunctions, would you go to the corner shop mechanic who never touched an electric car before? Of course not. You’d look for a specialist. So why would you risk your relationship with a loved one, that is far more precious than a car, to go to someone who never diagnosed ASD before?

From understanding what triggers an ASD meltdown, how to react to a meltdown and how important is self-care when you are in a relationship with a partner on the spectrum, a trained health care professional with years of experience is vital. 

Please seek specialized help when dealing with a partner/family/friends on the spectrum. You can contact me for a video appointment or search for trained help in your area.

A diagnosis of Autism might still not be enough. Some “Aspies” have multiple problems that make their ASD worse. Either way, you need to know what you’re dealing with, but it’s tough when your partner is terrible at explaining their inner workings. What’s most important is to remain positive. It’s vital to learn to accept your ASD family member as she or he is.

Making your “Aspie” feel confident and secure in your unwavering love and support is crucial and will act as a buffer against negativity. How do you do that? 

If you are not a member of our private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum, please consider joining us. We are an international community of partners, families and friends of people on the spectrum. We joined together to learn from each other and tackle the daily challenges you have when living with someone on the spectrum. I’m also giving several video conferences and teleconferences every month to offer professional help to all members at an accessible price for everyone.

If you’d like to learn more of the science behind ASD, download a free chapter from my book, Out of Mind – Out of Sight. 

ADHD is a very real neurological disorder. You might assume that the child “bouncing off the walls” in the grocery aisle is doing so because his parents haven’t trained him properly. But before you jump to conclusions, consider that there could be a very real neurological disorder responsible for that behavior…ADHD. 

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 3% to 5% of children have ADHD, while other experts believe it could be more. You can read more about ADHD on their website.

I often talk about ADHD in adults and about the differences between ADHD and ASD in my blog articles. It’s important to know that ADHD does not affect all people the same way. I’ve talked about a few of the triggers for meltdowns in my blog, Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Itchy: Reasons for ADHD or ASD Meltdowns.

Time and time again I see damaging myths about ADHD in the media or from people around me. Recently I read an article about ADHD myths from ADDitude Magazine and it’s a topic worth discussing. 

 

Myth: You should outgrow ADHD.

You don’t outgrow ADHD.  That is why ADHD (also known as ADD) is being diagnosed in adults in their 20’s, 30’s, and even in grandparents in their 60’s. Many ADHD adults say that they weren’t aware of the disorder until they had a child who was diagnosed. After seeing ADHD in their children, these adults gradually realized that they had the same signs and symptoms.

 

Myth: ADHD is the same for everyone.

ADHD does not affect all people the same way. Some with ADHD have learning disorders, while others do not. Some ADHD people are intellectually gifted, others have average or below average IQ. Some come from supportive homes, others come from dysfunctional families. These factors affect the impact of ADHD on the life of the individual.

 

Myth: ADHD isn’t a real medical disorder.

I talked about this at the beginning of this article. The child “bouncing off the walls” you saw in a supermarket might have ADHD. It is not the result of bad parenting.

The National Institutes of Health, the U.S. Department of Education and the American Psychiatric Association recognize ADHD as a medical disorder, which is biologically based – a result of an imbalance of chemical messengers, or neurotransmitters, within the brain.

 

Myth: People with ADHD are lazy or stupid

If treated, people with ADHD can lead rich, productive lives. Many famous individuals have accomplished a great deal, despite having ADHD. For example, there are several reports that Simone Biles the Olympic gymnast, singer Justin Timberlake, swimmer Michael Phelps and Glenn Beck the political radio talk show host are a few of the famous people who have prospered while dealing with ADHD.

 

Do you suspect a family member of having ADHD? The cycle of frustration and failure can be broken with proper treatment. Please, seek help immediately. I offer online therapy, so we can work around your busy schedule.

Knowledge is power. Learn all you can about ADHD, even if you don’t personally know someone with it. The more you understand, the more supportive you can be. Families with ADHD need our help.

Learn more on my website: ADHD/ADD.

My Sincere Apology.

Last week a social media post appeared in my name, causing unexpected backlash, primarily from members of the forum, “Surprise You’re Autistic.” Before going any further, I want to apologize for the distress this post caused to members of that forum, their families, and to others who may have been caught up in the distressing comments flying back and forth.

 

My Mistake.

It is entirely my fault that this post appeared as it did. I did not view the post before it went out. I didn’t edit it. I let it slip by for no reason, other than I was preoccupied with personal matters (three aging and dying pets, etc.). I should have halted all operations while I was taking care of personal business. I am sorry that I didn’t heed my own advice of taking care of myself first. I tried to juggle too much at once. As a result, several people were offended, or hurt, or simply confused by Dr. Marshack’s odd post.

 

My Correction.

When the first complaints surfaced, I didn’t respond right away. I assumed it was just one or two people who objected to my professional opinion. In my 40 plus years of professional practice, I am no stranger to controversy.

However, when the complaints started to flood in on social media, I made an attempt to answer the questions and comments, but it didn’t seem to help. In fact people grew increasingly more angry and threatening toward me, which was confusing. You see, I hadn’t yet looked at the offensive post, so my responses may have sounded off point.

None of the complainants had specified which post was bothersome to them. Instead they complained that I was dangerous, incompetent, cruel, and worse, using derogatory words. Finally, I asked a complainant to send me the offensive post, so that I could take appropriate action. She was kind enough to do so. On Thursday afternoon last week, I saw the post for the first time and realized the mistake. I could understand why so many people were angry, because the post did not accurately reflect my professional work nor my opinions, and worse because of the implications of the poorly worded post.

Once I read the post, I closed down all of my social media and consulted with my staff. I certainly didn’t want anyone else to be distressed by my carelessness, so my first course of action was to close the social media sites temporarily. I also consulted colleagues and social media experts for advice. I wanted to find a way to help those who were hurt and to prevent this type of problem in the future. At least with the sites shut down, no one else had to be exposed to the miscommunication and angry threats.

 

My Plan.

Everyone agreed that it was vital to shut down the social media sites so that the angry and retaliatory commenting was stopped. Plus the offensive post was removed. I still receive hate email, phone calls, and other messages, but at least the general public is not being exposed.

Next, I promise that all future posts will be screened by myself personally before they are sent out. You may still find something to disagree with me about, but at least I will do my best to make sure my posts are respectful, thoughtful and well documented.

Lastly, I am writing this blog to clarify what the message was supposed to be in the ill-begotten post — in case anyone wants to know. I realize that you may be convinced otherwise, but I do care about my Spectrum and Non-Spectrum clients and social media followers. I would never want them to be harmed by a careless mistake.

 

What I Should Have Said.

I am not going to rewrite the blog here but I want to highlight some points that got lost in the poorly edited post. These points may still be controversial to some of you, but they are based on my many years of clinical experience and the scientific research. Please bear with me as you read the following. Realize that there is a lot more between the lines.

1. Many of my Non-Spectrum (or Neuro-Typical) clients often tell me that they believe their Autistic partners/spouses are narcissistic. As tough as this is for my Spectrum friends to hear, this is what I hear. The reason for this belief is that the ASD partners will say and do things that resemble narcissistic behavior. For example, the ASD partner may argue their point, without always acknowledging that their spouse may have another valid point of view. Even though the ASD mate may not mean to be disrespectful, it is felt this way by their NT spouse.
2. Yes of course people on the Autism Spectrum have feelings such as compassion and love. However, due to sensory sensitivities, alexithymia, context blindness, and other symptoms of ASD, they may experience an inability to express their feelings. Nor can they often acknowledge the feelings of others. This leaves NTs confused about why their ASD loved one can be so congenial at work or with neighbors, but not acknowledge what is going on with their sweetheart. The NT experiences this contradiction as manipulative.
3. Because of the above problems — lack of reciprocity in a conversation, or inability to recognize/acknowledge/speak to the emotions of others — many researchers have offered the theory that those on the Spectrum have an empathy dysfunction.  This is not the same as a compassion dysfunction, or a love dysfunction, or a kindness dysfunction. Simon Baron-Cohen refers to it as “Zero Degrees of Empathy” in the book of the same name. Peter Vermeulen refers to it as “Context Blindness, “ in the book of  the same name.
4. If you are interested in learning more about this complex issue, I wrote a blog about these issues from my professional and personal experience. Please read my blog, Empathy: “Asperger’s” Style. It contains a lot of eye opening answers.

What these authors are trying to convey is that the relationship with NTs may break down because it “feels” like a lack of empathy to NTs, when their ASD loved ones talk over them, or don’t wait for them to describe their inner experience, or dismiss their opinions outright just because the NT didn’t explain it to the liking of the Autistic person.

1. Many complainants objected to my use of the term, “Aspie.” They also complained about my use of the terms “Asperger Syndrome” and “Aspergers.” They rightly asserted that these terms are outdated according to the American Psychiatric Association (of which I am not a member since I am a psychologist, not a psychiatrist). However, I have continued to use the terms for a couple of reasons, which I have explained on my website (https://asd-ntrelationships.com/about-hans-asperger-m-d/).
   1. First, the term “Aspie” was adopted by people on the Autism Spectrum as shorthand to describe themselves. It hardly seems derogatory to use the term those with ASD decided to use to describe themselves.
   2. Secondly, I have continued to use the common language for a similar reason. It is much easier for my clients and followers to use the term “Asperger Syndrome,” because it is what they know. The current diagnostic language is not always commonsense. For example, “Manic-Depressive Disorder” seems to make more sense to most people than “Bipolar Disorder,” although the latter is more diagnostically correct.

2. My last point is that all people are capable of being unkind and even cruel. We all have a bit of neuroticism or insecurity within, that can lead to narcissistic thinking and conduct. Autistic people are no more prone to narcissism than anyone else. All I was trying to convey in my original blog is that because of the inherent “Zero Degrees of Empathy,” as Simon Baron-Cohen calls it, Autistics can embrace narcissism as a counterweight to their lack of empathy. Neuro-Typicals find a different way to embrace narcissism. Neither way is OK.

 

Hate Is No Solution.

Maya Angelou said,

“Hate,

it has caused a lot of problems in the world,

but has never solved one yet.”

 

I have learned some valuable lessons as a result of my regrettable social media post.

1. I have an important responsibility to the people I serve (my clients, readers and social media followers). This is too important to be careless about the words I send out to you.
2. I need to listen when people are upset. There may be more behind the upset than I could have imagined. For example, Autistics and NTs alike have a long history of feeling maligned, misunderstood and forgotten.
3. While I have plenty to learn yet in this field, I do have considerable experience and I care. I have a lot to offer those who seek me out.
4. I do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, regardless of my mistakes. I will not tolerate abusive language on any of my sites. Even if others will not forgive me, my own self forgiveness is healing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. It just touches the tip of the iceberg when it comes to resolving problems such as we NTs find in “Life with an adult on the Autism Spectrum.” I hope that you agree with me that hatred is a waste of time and that forgiveness opens the doorway to resolution of our differences.

Is Small Talk confetti?

I guarantee you that this topic is the lynch pin to everything you need to know to understand and communicate with your ASD loved one. This is because Small Talk is everything to Neuro-Typicals (NTs), and means absolutely nothing to “Aspies.” How to get past this relationship abyss is the solution to many of your emotional woes.

I have heard disparaging comments from “Aspies”regarding Small Talk, and their NT partners penchant for chatting. They refer to it as “back story,” or “wandering,” or “window dressing.” They often demand that their NT loved ones, “get to the point!” And if you don’t get to the point, your “Aspie” may just walk out of the room, or turn on their computer.

Some “Aspies” are a bit more polite. They sit quietly waiting for the NT to finish, then they change the subject, or say something unknowingly disrespectful such as, “May I talk now?” Often they will sit there quietly, staring out the window, or playing on their phone, “. . . until you are done talking.”

My favorite “Aspie” description of Small Talk is “Confetti.” One day this ASD husband smiled at his wife, ever so condescendingly, as he described her communication style to me. He said, “She fills the room with Small Talk, as if it is confetti. I just wait for the confetti to sift to the floor, and then I talk. She never gets to the point, so I have to direct her.” Ouch! How painful for her to hear this.

Why is my “Aspie” good with Small Talk with others?

Many NTs ask me, “Why is my “Aspie” good with Small Talk everywhere but not at home with me?” 

Don’t kid yourself. They aren’t good with chit chat anywhere else either. However, they may have mastered the art of sounding like they get it. It’s not hard to practice the social graces as long as no one digs deeper for a meaningful conversation. Haven’t you wondered why they don’t get it that Aunt Susan doesn’t want to talk about her ex-husband’s fishing expertise? Yes, Uncle Jerry and your brother-in-law Karl want to talk fishing, but not Aunt Susan (especially not Aunt Susan, whose ex-husband bored her to death with his fishing stories). Good grief, why does the “Aspie” not get it?

How many times have you stepped in to save Aunt Susan? How many times have you prostrated yourself in front of family and friends, doing your best to patch up the broken connection? How many times have you had that same argument with your “Aspie” on the way home in the car? You know the argument don’t you? The one where you do your best to help him understand that there is meaning behind the Small Talk, but he still says, “What’s wrong with talking about fishing? Lots of people do.”

The meaning of Small Talk.

All NTs use Small Talk. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, whether you have top notch empathy, or just average empathy. Whether you are Nigerian, French, Australian or Korean, and you are NT, you will use your culturally appropriate Small Talk. Why?

Pay attention because this is very important. We use Small Talk as a guide to connecting with others. When we NTs talk, we aren’t just drilling down to prove our point. Small Talk enables us to synch with others, to insure that we are on the same page. Like dancing, if the other person leans to the left, so do we. If we laugh, we look to see if others are laughing. If they aren’t leaning or laughing, we adjust. 

The point is that Small Talk enables us to guide the conversation in the direction of the topic, but not necessarily to even stay on the topic, if to do so would destroy the cohesion of the relationships. What’s more important to NTs, is to keep the people involved, connected, wanting to talk with each other, feeling positive about the interaction, ready to keep working toward a solution, or whatever is important at this moment in time, with this group of people. 

In other words, Small Talk is an art form, a structure in which the artistic message is intertwined. Writing a stage play is much different than writing a novel, even though both tell a story. Even more sophisticated a distinction is that writing a screen play is different than writing a stage play, for obvious reasons. Those of us who readily use Small Talk, understand these differences and adjust accordingly.

Bridging the relationship abyss.

One day Arnie asked me, “Dr. Marshack. Will you help Darren understand how to get to the point sooner? I’ve tried to explain that I really don’t get the small talk. It would just help me if he would be a better listener and stay on track with me.”

Arnie is obviously a caring, ASD guy. He wants to solve this problem with his husband, Darren. However, because Arnie doesn’t understand the dynamic of Small Talk, he thinks it is something irrelevant to Darren. In other words in Arnie’s mind, Darren needs to accommodate to Arnie, get to the point of the interaction, and move on to the next topic.

Before I could say anything, Darren burst in, “But I do get to the point. I am a very direct person. Most people find me an excellent communicator. It’s just that no matter how direct I am with Arnie, he still drifts off.”

“Wait a minute guys,” I said, as I interrupted them. “Let me help you understand how you are wired differently. For an NT, Darren is direct, but he also needs Small Talk in order to interact with you. He uses Small Talk to gauge where the conversation is going and if you understand him. He is looking at your face, and your eyes, and your gestures, and your tone of voice, and a myriad of other cues that help him redirect his “directness,” depending upon what might be needed to further the discussion toward the topic goal.” 

Both men looked at me with wide open eyes. Darren was incredulous. He said, “That’s exactly what I do. I had no idea that is what I do! So that’s the purpose of Small Talk? Amazing!”

Arnie turned his face away and started to cry. Darren and I both asked, “What’s going on Arnie?”

Arnie was choked up but he was able to say, “I am so sorry Darren. I love you and I had no idea that you were trying to read me with your Small Talk. Do you mean all of those non-verbal thingies— that never register with me — but that you are always telling me about — that they mean something to you and other people — Oh my gosh! — are you telling me I have been pushing you away all of this time when I ask you to ‘be direct.’ I feel terrible. I’m such a loser.”

Of course Arnie is not a “loser,” but the healing for this couple has begun. Darren knows that his husband cannot read the Small Talk that he uses so easily. Arnie knows that there is a mysterious world of Small Talk communication that is an extensive network of non-verbal connections, that Darren relies upon to navigate the social world. 

Both men now need to learn to accommodate the other respectfully and lovingly. With the right attitude, why can’t they get past these communication snafus? I’ll be talking more about ways to navigate the social world of Small Talk (or lack of it) at our second quarter video conferences. Hope to see you there.