Category: Blog Posts

Today, we’re diving into a deeply personal and emotional topic—what happens when love exists, but connection feels impossible? What do you do when you crave emotional and physical intimacy, but your partner either avoids it or doesn’t seem to understand your need?

If you’ve ever felt alone in your relationship, questioning whether your expectations are too high or wondering why your partner can’t meet you where you are, this article is for you.

And if you’re the NeuroDiverse partner, feeling confused, pressured, or overwhelmed by your spouse’s emotional needs, I invite you to stay with me—because this conversation isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding what’s really happening and finding a way forward.

The Pain of Mismatched Needs

There is a particular kind of grief that comes not from the absence of love but from the failure of love to take a form that both partners recognize. When one person in a relationship craves deep emotional and physical connection, and the other experiences closeness as a transaction to be scheduled, managed, or avoided, a quiet but profound sorrow takes root.

This pain is often hidden, tucked away between moments of shared laughter or logistical planning—times when the couple appears, to the outside world, to be thriving. But underneath, there is a cycle of unmet bids for connection, of trying, failing, withdrawing, and trying again. Each attempt carries with it the hope that this time will be different. And each rejection reinforces an agonizing reality: the love is there, but the bridge between them is broken.

A Moment That Breaks the Heart

I once heard a woman describe a painful pattern in her marriage. Every time she invited her husband to bed, he would sit down at his computer instead. She noticed this pattern and finally confronted him, asking why.

His answer stunned her: ‘Because you have expectations.’

She was left reeling. What did that even mean? Was she not supposed to have expectations in her marriage? Was it wrong to want intimacy with the man she loved?

He struggled to explain further. Because of his alexithymia—his difficulty in identifying and expressing emotions—he could not articulate the deeper truth. But I understood. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about her. It was that he didn’t know how to meet her expectations, so he avoided them altogether. And in doing so, he made it seem as if she was the problem.

Of course, she wasn’t. Her needs were not unreasonable. But without a framework—like the 7-Step Interface Protocol or Empathy Triad Engagement—they were left stranded in a relationship where one person longed for connection and the other fled from it.

The Silent Cry for Comfort

In my own life, I understand this pain all too well. I remember crying myself to sleep after yet another incomprehensible conversation with my husband. Months, even years, would pass without intimacy. When I asked why, there was no answer—just the eerie stillness of his dilated pupils, as if the gears in his mind had slowly ground to a halt. He could not explain it, could not offer comfort. And so the weight of our relationship fell entirely on me.

I had to make sense of it. I had to adjust, to soften, to work around the void where reciprocity should have been.

Adding Balance for the ASD Partner

Before we go further, I want to pause and acknowledge something really important: this isn’t about painting one partner as the villain and the other as the victim.

NeuroDiverse individuals, especially those with alexithymia, often struggle to process emotions, expectations, and relationship dynamics in the same way NeuroTypical partners do.

For many on the spectrum, intimacy—both emotional and physical—can feel overwhelming. The expectation to ‘perform’ emotionally, to intuitively understand and reciprocate another person’s needs, may not come naturally. And when faced with that pressure, their nervous system does what it’s designed to do—shut down or withdraw. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to respond in a way that satisfies their partner.

This is why structured frameworks, like the 7-Step Interface Protocol and Empathy Triad Engagement, are so important. They provide a roadmap for both partners to navigate intimacy without falling into the same cycle of rejection, frustration, and withdrawal.

They help the NeuroDiverse partner recognize their own emotions and responses, while helping the NeuroTypical partner adjust their approach so it isn’t overwhelming or perceived as a demand.

The Cost of Adapting Too Much

For many in these relationships, the mind loops in endless circles, seeking a way to translate, to negotiate, to solve. If love languages differ, can they be taught? If physical intimacy feels foreign, can it be reintroduced? If emotions go unspoken, can they be gently uncovered?

And yet, time and again, the pattern repeats. The waiting partner learns to temper their needs, to schedule affection, to accept less. They are told that their expectations are too high, that relationships change, that love does not have to look the way they imagined.

But what if the way they imagined wasn’t fantasy, but simply the baseline for human connection?

At some point, the one who waits must ask: At what cost do I stay? How much of their own identity, their own need for reciprocity, can be set aside before they vanish within the relationship?

Closing Thoughts

This is a painful reality for many couples. But pain doesn’t have to be the final destination. Understanding these differences is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Whether you’re the partner who feels unseen or the one who feels overwhelmed by expectations, there is a way forward. It starts with understanding. It starts with empathy.

Taking Back Your Life: A New Year’s Story of Radiant Empathy

As we step into a new year, I find myself reflecting on the profound journey that has brought me here. This Christmas, I received a symbolic gift—not wrapped in paper and ribbons, but one that represents reclaiming my identity and moving forward with love and empathy.

The Christmas Message

On Christmas Day, I received an email from the owner of the domain kathymarshack.com, offering to sell it back to me. For over two decades, this domain has been out of my hands, used at one point to spread falsehoods about me during a painful chapter in my life.

I wasn’t born with the name Kathy Marshack. It’s the name I chose to keep after my divorce, so my daughters and I could stay connected despite the alienation orchestrated by their father. Yet reclaiming this domain isn’t just about my name—it’s about reclaiming my story and using it to help others.

The Cost of Alienation and Defamation

I have often written about how much my life has changed as a result of parental alienation and malicious defamation. These experiences cost me dearly—financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

It cost me $550,000 to defend myself from my ex-husband and others he enlisted to come after me. I was arrested, stalked, assaulted, sued, and harassed. Numerous complaints were lodged against me with my licensing board. To survive, I hired 16 attorneys who helped me escape the clutches of these devious people. But no one could retrieve my daughters. They believed the lie: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

For many years, I grieved. I felt sorry for myself and tried to better my situation in countless ways. I sought out massage therapists and psychotherapists. I rebuilt my finances from near bankruptcy by working extraordinary hours. I wrote books to give voice to what happened to me.

But through all of this, I hadn’t truly accepted that I was worthy of love. How could I, when those I loved most had abandoned me?

Radiant Empathy: Becoming a Love Magnet

It was only when I decided to stop waiting for love to show up—and instead chose to be Love everywhere—that my life truly began to change.

This Christmas, as I reflected on a Facebook post about the power of kindness to alleviate depression, I saw the truth of my own experience. Giving kindness to others is transformative, not just for them but for us.

I turned 75 recently, and for the first time, I fully understand that being love begins with loving others. Just as I teach through my concept of Radiant Empathy, we can heal our broken hearts and learn to love ourselves by becoming what I call a Radiant Empathy Angel. And it starts with being a Love Magnet.

If you want to heal, start by loving others with all you have to give. Don’t hold back. Love in small ways, big ways, messy ways, and clear ways.

Reclaiming Your Life

This New Year, I am reclaiming my life—literally and metaphorically. Whether I purchase the domain kathymarshack.com or not, its story will live on as a testament to my journey. A journey that includes overcoming malicious defamation, navigating NeuroDivergent relationships, and ultimately choosing to radiate empathy in the face of every challenge.

For those who feel abandoned, broken, or lost, I want you to know this: the key to reclaiming your life is not in waiting for love to come to you. It’s in being love and sharing it freely. That is how you truly take back your life.

As we step into 2025, I encourage you to become a Love Magnet. Give kindness, radiate empathy, and watch how the act of giving transforms you.

Call to Action

Have you ever experienced a moment when you had to reclaim your life? How did you move forward? Share your story in the comments, or explore more about Radiant Empathy on my blog, podcast, or books. Together, we can make this year a transformative one.

As a new year begins, many of us set resolutions to improve our lives. But if we’re honest, how often do those resolutions stick? I’ve found something else that works better: leaning into life’s transitions, especially the ones that come with NeuroDivergent relationships.

Living with autistic loved ones, including my mother, my former spouse, and my eldest daughter, has taught me that these relationships bring unique challenges—and profound opportunities for growth. Transitions in these relationships can feel like tidal waves, threatening to pull us under. But over time, I’ve learned to embrace the lessons and blessings they offer. Today, I want to share how leaning into these transitions has helped me reboot my life, over and over again.

The First Reboot: Becoming the Matriarch at 25

When I was 25, my mother passed away from lung cancer. My father and I were left adrift—he at 52, and me as a young adult suddenly faced with the weight of family responsibility. To cope, we decided to take a road trip from Portland to Los Angeles to spend Christmas with my aunt and her family.

That trip was more than an escape; it was a journey of healing. Driving through the California Redwoods at dusk, with a light snowfall dusting the towering trees, was magical. My father, who loved to sing Bing Crosby songs, filled the car with music and laughter. We didn’t talk much about Mom on that trip, but we found joy in each other’s company.

That journey marked a turning point. For the first time, my father treated me as an equal. I was no longer a child—I was the matriarch of our family. That reboot taught me the importance of embracing change, even when it feels forced upon us. It’s a lesson that has stayed with me, especially in navigating the tidal waves of NeuroDivergent relationships.

The Reboot of Moving to the Marina

Years later, I faced another profound transition. After a long and painful divorce, I packed up my life in Vancouver, Washington—the home I had shared with my former spouse and where I had raised my daughters—and moved to a marina on the Columbia River.

The move felt both liberating and heartbreaking. My daughters, alienated by their father, were no longer part of my daily life. But I had my dog, Simon, and my two cats, Trinity and Neo, to keep me company. The marina became my sanctuary. I’d paddle my kayak to nearby islands, while Simon waited patiently on the deck for my return. We’d walk along the riverbank, where he’d chase geese and dive into the water with joy.

That period was a time of healing and rediscovery. It was also a moment of leaning into the reality of my NeuroDivergent relationships. The divorce had been brutal, but it forced me to reflect on the dynamics that had shaped my life. Instead of being consumed by pain, I began to use my experiences—and my expertise as a psychologist—to help others navigating similar challenges.

Leaning Into Lessons in NeuroDivergent Relationships

Transitions like these are difficult for anyone, but they’re particularly intense in NeuroDivergent relationships. Miscommunications, emotional disconnects, and differing needs can feel like tidal waves, threatening to overwhelm us. For years, I fought against those waves, trying to “fix” situations or avoid the pain.

But eventually, I realized that fighting wasn’t the answer. Instead, I needed to lean into the lessons God was giving me: patience, resilience, and the ability to see the world through different eyes. I began to embrace the gifts these relationships brought—like learning to love in deeper, more meaningful ways and finding strength I didn’t know I had.

The Dream of the Tidal Wave

I’ll never forget a recurring dream I had years ago. In it, I was swimming in the ocean when a tidal wave appeared, sweeping me ashore. Each time, I found myself in a classroom discussing the experience. At first, I didn’t understand the lesson. But after several repetitions, I learned to rise above the wave, flying to safety instead of being carried away by its force.

That dream mirrors the journey of living in NeuroDivergent relationships. At first, we may feel battered by the challenges, unable to find our footing. But with time and perspective, we can rise above, finding ways to embrace the lessons and blessings hidden within the struggles.

Final Thoughts: A Call to Embrace Your Reboots

Life, especially in NeuroDivergent relationships, is full of transitions. Each one offers an opportunity to reboot and grow. Whether it’s losing a loved one, moving to a new home, or navigating the complexities of relationships, these moments shape us in profound ways.

As we enter this new year, I encourage you to lean into your transitions. Don’t let the tidal waves pull you under. Instead, trust the lessons they bring. Use them to grow stronger, to love more deeply, and to create a life filled with understanding and resilience.

To become a Radiant Empathy Angel is to embrace the challenges and transitions in life, to rise above fear and pain, and to use your empathy and strength to fight for justice and love others fiercely. It’s a calling to live with both compassion and courage, offering your presence and light to a world in need.

You are not alone in this journey, and your reboots—no matter how challenging—are part of the beautiful story of your life.

“Don’t try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.” ~ Barbara Kingsolver

In 2004, my life was turned upside down by a campaign of lies—fabricated by former City Prosecutor Josephine Townsend, supported by Citizen Advocate Jim Jacks and others. Their malicious defamation didn’t just damage my professional reputation; it was weaponized by my ex-husband to alienate my daughters from me.

Now, 20 years later, Townsend has been arrested for forgery and fraud. It’s an odd anniversary of sorts—two decades between the defamatory memo that devastated my life and her current reckoning with the truth. The news triggered a whirlwind of emotions—both PTSD and hope. It feels as if justice might finally prevail for all those whose lives she has damaged through her sociopathic conduct.

The parallels between malicious defamation and parental alienation are striking. Both rely on lies to isolate, control, and destroy relationships. Both silence the victim, leaving them powerless to defend themselves. And in both cases, the true victims—whether it’s the target of defamation or the alienated children—suffer profound emotional harm.

A Prophetic Nightmare

Years ago, the night Howard and I decided to marry, I had a nightmare that haunts me to this day. In the dream, Howard was smothering me with a pillow, trying to take my breath away. It was prophetic. Over the years, he did take away my voice—through his lies, manipulation, and relentless efforts to turn our children against me.

The Power of Lies

Townsend’s defamatory memo falsely labeled me a “functional sociopath” with “explosive anger issues” and claimed I was unfit to be a mother or psychologist. These lies were baseless, as confirmed by my treating psychologist, but they were taken as gospel by others, including my ex-husband.

Over the years I lived in Vancouver, Washington, I endured relentless harassment. My neighbors and ex-husband sued and harassed me repeatedly. Before I knew about the defaming memo, I was stalked (both video surveillance and email), subjected to repeated Code Enforcement complaints, assaulted, and forced to witness my children being assaulted and stalked at school by Code Enforcement officials. I faced numerous complaints to my licensing board, each requiring extensive effort and expense to defend.

In total, I spent $550,000 protecting myself, my children, and my livelihood. For five years, the malicious memo that justified this harassment remained hidden from me. Its existence explained why my neighbors and my ex-husband were able to create such damage, and why no one would help me.

These false accusations mirror the lies my ex-husband told my daughters. In their presence, he would refer to me as “The Bitch,” using his phone to call me and broadcasting his disdain. He told them I was a narcissist, unfit to parent, and incapable of love.

A New Chapter of Truth

The news of Townsend’s arrest is more than a legal event—it’s a moment of truth. She has been charged with forgery and fraud, crimes that encapsulate the very tactics she used to destroy lives for decades. Her downfall comes 20 years after her malicious memo, a span of time that reflects both the endurance of her lies and the slow but inevitable arc of justice.

A few weeks ago, I received a comment on one of my blogs from Howard’s high school girlfriend. She wrote to ease my suffering, sharing insights about his family. She described a cold and distant home and mentioned being frightened by his older brother.

But she also offered a comforting truth: it’s impossible to resolve relationship problems with someone like Howard if only one person is doing the work. Her words validated my years of pain, reminding me that some struggles are not ours to carry alone.

Parental Alienation as Child Abuse

When a father destroys the relationship his children have with their mother, it is a form of child abuse. It forces children to carry the emotional burden of adult conflicts, often leaving them confused, resentful, and disconnected. The lies my children were told denied them the opportunity to form their own opinions and experiences about me.

This holiday season, I’ve heard more than one talk show interview on the topic of why some adult children have alienated their parents. Not one interviewee or host considers what I’ve been through. They all talk about the “terrible mother” (usually) who forced the adult child to make this devastating choice. No one mentions the damage to the child who may never get past their false beliefs—about themselves. No one mentions the suffering of the mother, who may have been maligned unfairly.

These conversations often omit the complexity of parental alienation, where falsehoods can dismantle familial relationships. It’s time we broaden the narrative to acknowledge the harm done to both the alienated parent and the manipulated child.

From Pain to Purpose

Over the years, I’ve heard stories like mine. Sometimes they’re on the radio. Sometimes they come from a client or a member of one of my online support groups. These stories resonate with me, and my own journey helps others feel less alone.

One way I’ve survived is by harnessing my professional education and training as a psychologist alongside the lessons from my personal experiences. I’ve written six books, host a podcast, develop recorded online courses, have a substantial YouTube channel, and lead international support groups.

The pain, and sometimes the terror, still comes back. But I know I have a gift to give to the world—and so do you.

A Call for Awareness and Action

The similarities between malicious defamation and parental alienation are undeniable:

• Both weaponize falsehoods to isolate and control.
• Both silence the victim, making it nearly impossible to defend against the lies.
• Both cause profound and lasting harm to all involved, particularly children.

To anyone experiencing the devastation of parental alienation, I want you to know this: You are not alone. Speak your truth, even when it feels like no one is listening. Lies may echo for a time, but the truth has a way of enduring.

As a survivor, I will continue to speak out—not just for myself but for all who have faced these injustices. We deserve to be heard.

Seventy-five years. That’s how long it has taken me to step out of the shadows of undiagnosed autism in my family and recognize the light within myself. My life has been shaped by relationships in NeuroDivergent families—navigating the complexities of living with a mother, ex-husband, and oldest daughter, all NeuroDiverse. For most of my life, I felt invisible in these relationships. My voice, my needs, my very existence often seemed to disappear in the transactional nature of our interactions.

For years, I thought the problem was me. If only I were more patient, more understanding, or better at connecting, maybe they would see me. But I’ve come to realize that the answer wasn’t about being seen through their lens—it was about finding myself.

The transformation wasn’t easy. There was no one to guide me through the unique struggles of being a NeuroTypical in NeuroDivergent families. The suffering goes both ways—both NeuroTypical and NeuroDiverse family members face challenges. For me, it was the constant yearning for emotional connection, and for my loved ones, it was the difficulty of bridging a gap they didn’t always perceive. But while I felt invisible, they often felt misunderstood. Their transactional way of connecting left me longing for a deeper emotional bond they weren’t equipped to give.

And yet, here I am—standing invincible. Through the pain, I’ve built a legacy of understanding, love, and advocacy. I’ve written blogs, books, and recorded podcasts. I’ve shared my story through YouTube videos, created online courses, and founded international support groups. From silence, I’ve raised a voice for NeuroTypicals who feel lost and unheard in NeuroDivergent families.

Today, I’m thrilled to announce The Institute for Radiant Empathy, a vision for a research and healing center dedicated to supporting NeuroTypical individuals in NeuroDivergent families. This initiative is still in its visionary stage, which means there’s room for your help and your imprint. Whether through insights, collaboration, or simply lending your support, your contributions can shape this initiative into something transformative.

A Seasonal Reflection: The Eighth Light of Chanukah

As I write this, we celebrate the eighth night of Chanukah, the night that symbolizes the Light of Courage. Courage is at the heart of this holiday, just as it is central to our journeys in NeuroDivergent families. Judah Maccabee, the Hero of Chanukah, stood firm in the face of overwhelming odds, guided by the words Moses spoke to Joshua: ‘Be strong and of good courage.‘

Let this light inspire us all. Whether you’re navigating personal struggles, advocating for justice, or simply seeking strength in uncertain times, let truth and justice be your armor, and fear not. May the Light of Courage guide us, not just during this season, but throughout our lives.

Through this effort, I aim to help NeuroTypicals move from feeling invisible to invincible, just as I have. Together, we can transform pain into purpose, foster mutual understanding, and cultivate Radiant Empathy in NeuroDivergent families.

If this vision resonates with you, I invite you to reach out. Let’s collaborate to create something extraordinary—together, we can rewrite the story for NeuroDivergent families everywhere.
With love, courage, and invincibility,
Dr. Kathy Marshack

As we step into a new year, I find myself reflecting on the journey that has brought me here. This Christmas, I received a symbolic gift—not wrapped in paper and ribbons, but one that represents reclaiming my identity and moving forward with love and empathy.

On this first night of Chanukah, December 25, 2024, I dedicate this blog to Emma Lazarus, the remarkable Jewish poet whose words have inspired me for years, and to all the Jewish Radiant Empathy Angels who came before us.

The New Colossus: A Source of Strength and Compassion

Years ago, I visited the top of the World Trade Center, just a year before it was tragically destroyed. At the museum, I discovered Emma Lazarus’ sonnet, The New Colossus, inscribed on a plaque. Her words stopped me in my tracks.

Lazarus, herself a Radiant Empathy Angel of her time, wrote the sonnet to help fund the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty, embodying the ideals of compassion, strength, and welcome. These values are as relevant today as ever, reminding us that true strength lies in lifting others up.

Here is her sonnet in full:

The New Colossus
By Emma Lazarus

“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

This poem has stayed with me ever since, inspiring me to embrace the ideals of compassion and resilience. It reminds me to hold my lamp high—whether as a Radiant Empathy Angel offering peace or as a Warrior standing firm for justice.

The Epiphany: It’s Me

Over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. Despite my efforts to resolve disputes amicably, they often escalate into legal battles or intense conflict. From HOA boards to neighbors to city officials, it sometimes feels like I attract hostility.

One day, while lamenting this phenomenon, an acquaintance pointed out, “You know what all of these experiences have in common, don’t you?” It hit me—it’s me. Not because I’m bad or looking for a fight, but because I refuse to back down when something truly matters.

This realization helped me embrace my role as a Radiant Empathy Warrior. I’ve learned that being empathic doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. It means listening to the God messages—the moments when we’re called to stand up, speak out, and fight for what’s right.

The Water Debacle: Fighting for What Matters

Recently, I’ve found myself in another challenge: battling a neighbor whose improperly managed rainwater has flooded my property, damaging my septic system. I tried to handle the issue quietly at first, redirecting the water with French drains.

But it wasn’t until my beloved dog, Kokomo, fell ill that I realized the true extent of the problem. The water was contaminated with coliform, E. coli, and HPC bacteria. My dog, who had been drinking the water and suffering from mysterious health issues for two years (or more), was diagnosed with Giardia.

This was my God message.

Kokomo’s illness spurred me into action—not just for his sake, but for my own and for the neighborhood. Armed with an engineer’s report and a renewed determination, I’m prepared to hold my neighbor accountable.

The EmD Scale: Understanding Empathy Dysfunction

Empathy exists on a spectrum, but not everyone operates at the highest levels of empathy. I’ve developed the Empathy Dysfunction (EmD) Scale to illustrate how empathy can fail or flourish:

• Empathy Dysfunction (EmD): On one end of the spectrum are sociopaths and those who actively harm others. But even well-meaning people can fall into EmD when they fail to act –out of fear, indifference, or passivity.
• Ordinary Empathy: Most people operate here—caring for others, but not always stepping up when it truly matters.

But Radiant Empathy exists beyond the scale. It’s a huge leap—a transformational state where empathy becomes action, courage, and love in its purest form.

Radiant Empathy: Off the Charts

Radiant Empathy is the next level, a leap so significant that it goes “off the charts.” It’s the state of being where empathy is not just felt but acted upon with purpose and courage. Radiant Empathy Angels go beyond being an Empath. They have been strengthened and polished by the forces that oppose them.

As Maya Angelou so eloquently said:

“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”

Radiant Empathy requires that courage—the willingness to listen deeply, act boldly, and take risks for the sake of love and justice. It’s the decision to become:

• A Radiant Empathy Angel: Offering love, peace, and understanding to those around you.
• A Radiant Empathy Warrior: Standing firm and fighting for justice when it’s necessary.

Finding Your Inspiration

Like Emma Lazarus inspired me, you too can find something that speaks to your heart—a poem, a memory, or a personal belief that fuels your journey. For me, The New Colossus embodies Radiant Empathy: welcoming others, lifting them up, and fighting for justice when necessary.

As we celebrate Chanukah and the triumph of light over darkness, may we also lift our lamps high—whether as Angels or Warriors—and use our empathy to illuminate the path forward for ourselves and others.

Conclusion: A Call to Action

Empathy isn’t passive. It’s about listening, loving, and acting when the time comes. Each of us has the power to lift the lamp, to be a beacon of hope and strength.

Where do you fall on the EmD Scale? What inspires you to move toward Radiant Empathy? Share your thoughts in the comments or explore more about Radiant Empathy on my blog, podcast, or books. Together, let’s make this a year of transformation and light.