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Can competition at work cost you your marriage?


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Toni and Vance were really startled by how quickly their marriage was disintegrating after they started their small business together. They loved and enjoyed each other tremendously before they opened their shop but after working together for less than a year their relationship was tense and loving communication had ground to a painful halt. They considered that the stress of a start-up was getting to the two of them. They took a short vacation to the coast to get away from it all and found that they could indeed enjoy each other again. Yet when they returned to work, the tension started to build again. Why couldn’t they keep the positive feelings alive?

Working together long hours to make a new business successful certainly can be a reason that a marriage starts to fail, but there’s more to this problem than most young or even seasoned entrepreneurs take into consideration. The major reason entrepreneurial couples begin to experience the loss of love in their relationship is that the worlds of work and home are radically different in many ways. Think about it. The world of work is where we kick into high gear; where we drive ourselves to succeed; where we thrive on competition; where we want to express our talents in concrete ways such as producing a sale or a piece of art. The world of home, on the other hand is where we seek comfort, love and safety; where we nurture our loved ones and want their nurturing; where we kick back instead of into high gear.

There are similarities between these two worlds such as the facts that both require attending to details; that both require teamwork; and that both require problem solving. But the essential difference that can lead to marital failure is that work is the world of competition and home is the world of nurturing. All of us look forward to relaxing at home at the end of a hard day of competition in the work world. We want to regale our families with our accomplishments, our “coups,” but after that we really want to take off our suits of armor and put on something more vulnerable.

When a couple works together both at home and at work, they can become confused about the roles they should play in both of these worlds. Often the aggressive pull of success and the push of competition eradicate the more subtle pull of love. Only when pushed by a chronic lack of intimacy or the pain of impending divorce, does the couple begin to recognize that they have lost something precious.

How does this problem begin? It’s pretty simple really. Most of you picked your spouse because you love her or him, because he or she makes you laugh, because he or she is a “knock out.” It is very unlikely that you chose your spouse as you would an employee or a business partner. You probably weren’t thinking about money or competition or how to advance your career when you married. And when you set up housekeeping together you probably didn’t write up a business plan to make your little love nest profitable.

Neither were you concerned about marketing, designing your letterhead, or the tax ramifications of an LLC. Instead your attention was on how to make the other person happy and how happy they made you feel. You sought affection, emotional support, and intellectual compatibility. Even sharing the household chores was not a major item on your list. Those things got taken care of somehow. And when it came to decision making, sometimes he got his way and sometimes she did.

As marital partners the more easy going style of most American couples will work fine as long as you don’t become business partners. When a couple crosses that line into the world of work by becoming business partners, they must be prepared to do some major alterations to the relationship. In marriages where husband and wife both have a career but they don’t work together, it is much easier to switch hats from work persona to home persona. You give your spouse a kiss goodbye in the morning and go on your separate ways for the day. You may make a phone call midday to catch up on private matters or just to say hello, but essentially your activities and identity are solidly ensconced in your work world. When you return home, you give your spouse a kiss, change your clothes, do a little catching up on each other’s day, and prepare the evening meal together. At home your activities and identity are defined by your home world and your relationships with your spouse and children.

In other words for couples who don’t work together, they have an independent identity at work and a partnership identity at home. With career-minded people the work identity is also a leadership one, involving authority for decision making. At home, these same independent leaders switch hats to become equal partners who share in the decision making. This is the norm in most American homes of dual-career couples. The problem arises when these equal home partners go to work with each other, either expecting to be equal partners at work too, or expecting to each be the decision maker as if they worked separately.

When you worked apart you may have enjoyed your spouse’s stories of work achievements. You may even have taken pride in how aggressive or decisive your spouse was in his or her career. However, when you work together, that strong aggressive leadership quality may now look like arrogance. The two of you may tangle because you expect to be included in decisions that your spouse has already run with. When you come home at the end of your workday, you may feel that you have had enough of your spouse for one day. You don’t desire anymore togetherness if you have to be bullied or ignored.

At least this is how it can go if you don’t pay attention to the different roles husbands and wives play in the different worlds of work and home.

The solution first is to acknowledge that these two worlds are very different. Second recognize that daily conscious effort is required on your part to maintain a harmonious relationship with your spouse. If the two of you enjoy being equal partners at home, and wish to try being equal partners at work, then consciously design a work partnership where decision making is equal on at least the major decisions. This makes some things move more slowly, but it can be very effective for keeping love alive. If you are comfortable being home partners, but really prefer one person leadership at work, then acknowledge that too and set it up that way. No sense in trying to be equal partners at work, when one or both of you would gladly defer decision making responsibility to the other spouse. If you are somewhere in between these two styles, play with the structure for awhile until you discover what works in your marriage/business partnership.

Bringing competition home is probably the worst thing you can do for a marriage. Keep competition and achievement needs at work. When you work with your spouse in your own enterprise, keep in mind that you will be crossing the competition barrier daily. It is hard to stay kind and loving with the one you are competing with. We tend to take competition personally. The following are some ways to diffuse the tension of competition between spouses:

  • Set up separate work areas within the business.
  • Reward each other often for your individual successes.
  • Take breaks from each other often. Make a clean break from work at the end of the day. This latter recommendation is vital. Do not discuss work at all at home if your business requires that both spouses be leaders and you are both highly independent and headstrong (sound like anyone you know?).

The most important thing to remember when you work together is why you chose your spouse in the first place. This is someone you love and trust and want to spend the rest of your life with. These qualities are not bad either for the kind of person you want as someone to help you build your dream in business.

Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S., Licensed Psychologist and Business Consultant is the author of ENTERPRENEURIAL COUPLES: Making It Work at Work and at Home (Davies-Black, 1998). She can be reached at (360) 256-0448 or www.kmarshack.com

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Know yourself first to be true to yourself, successful in business


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Which would you rather have, an educated customer or one who requires that you walk them through everything? Would you rather have a customer who is familiar with your product or industry, who has background negotiating business deals, who uses normal business systems such as estimates and purchase orders, who can read a schematic? Or would you rather have a customer who knows nothing of these things and you must explain and justify every painful detail, every step of the way.

Let’s put it another way. Wouldn’t you rather that your customer already knows the basics of building a warehouse, so that you can get down to negotiating price and materials? Wouldn’t you rather that your customer is already knowledgeable about farming equipment in general so that you can quickly explain the benefits of modernizing with your new machine? Wouldn’t you rather your customer have purchased and sold a home before, so that they are more realistic about the home-buying marketplace?

Of course there are times when a naïve customer is easier to deal with than a sophisticated one. Occasionally the sophisticated customer thinks he or she knows everything, when they really have just enough knowledge to be dangerous. But by and large your work is cut in half when you have a knowledgeable, educated customer who knows what it takes to get the job done with you. At the very least it is easier if your customer is bright enough and open enough to learn quickly and accepts your expertise.

Ah, but the world is not perfect. So much of your professional time is spent educating, persuading and hand-holding in order to complete your job. But for yourself I would suggest being an educated consumer as often so you can. If you are a family business owner, this means becoming knowledgeable about the connections between your personal life, your family life and your work life. Understanding your personal family dynamics and how they interact with your business creates a more successful business and family life. Even if you are not a family business owner, your personal life influences your business decisions, and vice versa. Therefore, it is well worth your while to become more knowledgeable about your personality style, your family values, your blind spots and how they shape your daily actions.

Come to terms with family, business

Darvin, for example, never really considered that growing up under his authoritarian father affected his business, nor his parenting style. As a child Darvin was expected to work in the family business from the time he was about nine. Whether he was sick or home from school on vacation, Darvin was expected to pitch in. Darvin’s father meant well enough. He was trying to prepare his son for the future and he wanted an heir for the business. However, Dad never considered that his son might have other career interests. He also gave Darvin little time to have a childhood.

When Darvin grew up, married and started having his own children, he was determined that his own sons would be free to choose their own direction. Darvin was now the owner of the business his father had built, but he didn’t want his sons thinking they were obligated to work in the family firm. He encouraged their other interests and gave them liberal time to play. He coached soccer teams and volunteered in the boy’s classrooms, something his father never did.

However, one day, one of his teenagers implied that he expected to work for Darvin when he grew up. In fact the boy suggested that he wanted to be the president of the company some day! Darvin was shocked at his son’s interest, especially since Darvin did not think this particular child had what it takes to be president. Then another even more shocking realization came over Darvin. After spending all these years encouraging his children to follow their hearts, he had paid no attention to grooming as interested child for coming into the family business. In fact, he had almost resisted the idea.

So, to avoid Dad’s mistakes, Darvin made different mistakes, which is a common problem for family business owners who do not recognize that childhood experiences shape you as a business person. Now the task for Darvin is to educate himself about all he learned and interpreted as a child and their connection to his current adult life as a business owner, husband and father. If he is to be a success at all these roles and prepare the business for s healthy transition when he retires, he needs to be educated about family dynamics and how they interact with business planning.

Not everyone is an entrepreneur

Elliott is not the owner of a family firm, but he feels very close to his staff, many of whom have been with him since the founding of the firm. He literally built the business from nothing into a respected national manufacturer.

Elliott is a “can-do” guy. His technical training helped him create the idea for his business, but he had neither business nor marketing training when he set off on his own. Nevertheless, Elliott believes that he can accomplish whatever he puts his mind to. If he lacks knowledge or a skill, he learns it. He reads books, attends seminars and asks experts, then applies the knowledge to his own unique business. This flexibility is the reason Elliott’s business has grown so rapidly. He is adaptable.

Elliott’s problem is the exact opposite of Darvin’s. Because of his confident and flexible approach to problem-solving, he has extremely high expectations of others. Elliott naively thinks his managers, staff and line workers have these same abilities. While it is important to encourage the best in employees so that they can rise to their highest level of competence, Elliott often promotes untrained, unskilled workers beyond their capabilities to a level of incompetence.

For example, he has promoted a welder to a position requiring an engineering degree and a bookkeeper to a position as controller. Even if these employees have the potential to grow into these positions, they do not currently have the skills to handle their jobs, which leads to failure — failure for the individuals, as well as for the company.

If Elliott is going to grow his company further, he needs to get a handle on this problem. As he understands better that his unique personality is not the standard for all people (in fact, very few people are entrepreneurial), ha can make better use of his employees’ talents. He can’t always promote from within, but he can find other ways to honor employee loyalty. When a business gets as large as Elliott’s, it’s time to hire professionally trained managers and staff.

Being a success in business means being honest about your personal limitations too. It means becoming educated about the unique way your personality, childhood lessons and adult business decisions interact. Knowing your values and where you learned them enables you to choose which ones you want to keep, which ones are practical. Knowing your personality better enables you to design systems that complement your contributions. Darvin has been trying to set his children free to follow their own calling, ignoring that at least one of them may be a lot like himself. Elliott, on the other hand, has been grooming everyone to be like him, ignoring that his employees may have a different calling and different contributions to make.

How many of you have problems brewing that are similar to Darvin’s and Elliott’s? It may be hard for you to define your problem even though you know you have one because you don’t have the required education. But the solution lies in becoming educated about the interaction of personality, family dynamics and business systems. When you finally develop enough insight into how you came to be who you are and how others came to be who they are, you can correct subtle problems such as Darvin’s and Elliott’s and avert major disaster when the problems are still small. Remember, we must know who we are first in order to be true to ourselves.

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Do your and your spouse bicker at work and at home?

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

“Oh yeah! I used to work with my wife, but not anymore. All we did was fight.”

“We’re great business partners, but at home we bicker constantly. What’s wrong?”

“Work with my husband? Never! He never listens.”

Bicker, bicker, bicker. Is this the price you pay when you work with your spouse? All too often this seems to be the case, but it doesn’t have to be. If you understand conflict and develop strategies to de-stress problem situations, you and your partner can have the best of both worlds: a fantastic marriage and a successful business team. Here are some of tips for resolving the bickering.

Remember that the differences between the two of you are probably some of the reasons that made you fall in love with each other.

There may be many reasons for conflict, but a common one for spouses who work together is that you know each other too well. Remember when you first met, first fell in love, decided to get married? You probably didn’t focus at the time on everything that you didn’t like about your new love. In fact, you may have never noticed anything that big, but instead viewed those differences as thrilling. But over time, the differences between the two of you surface more and more. What once was ignored or even viewed as endearing is now a pain in the neck. Or your spouse may have qualities that worked well in the home when you didn’t work together, but in the office they seem to make the two of you tangle.

One way to get past the bickering is to remind yourself that you love and admire this person. Your spouse has many great qualities that contributed to your choosing him or her as a spouse and a business partner. Focus on those qualities, not the behavior that annoys you.

People change over time, so bickering may be a sign that it’s time to renegotiate your agreements (martial and business).

You can’t possibly know everything about another person before marriage or even before becoming business partners. Who knows what qualities will emerge on a person as they enter new territory (which we are constantly doing throughout life)? Our basic personalities probably don’t change that much, but how we apply our personalities to the experiences in life does shape and define us. Your spouse may be showing you a side of him or herself that you never knew existed. Be careful not to resist this new information because it is different. Give yourself time to adjust to the change. Talk about it with you spouse. Evaluate how to incorporate the change into your marriage agreement and business partnership agreement. Change may be painful, but it is the very nature of living things to change.

Entrepreneurial couples should spend as much time cultivating joy in their relationships as they do focusing on the bottom line in their businesses.

It’s just a fact. All of us work more than we would like to. Even when you love the work you do, you should strive to find balance among the other important parts of your life, such as your relationships with your spouse, family, friends and yourself.

Entrepreneurial couples are notorious for being all work and no play, and therefore the relationship suffers. Think about it. If you are bickering with your spouse/business partner, could it be because you have had no quality time lately? Or could it be because you are sleep-deprived? Or could it be that it’s been a long time since you laughed?

Take the time to set your priorities and follow them. There will always be another phone call to answer and another deadline to meet that will draw you away from balancing your priorities. But you don’t get that many chances to restore a faltering relationship. When the love, trust and respect is gone, it usually leads to divorce.

Be true to yourself and offer the same to your spouse/partner.

Entrepreneurial couples seldom have formal education or training in the art of living their unique lifestyle. So, through trial and error they come up with a system to get the job done, and they do so admirably, but the job is all that gets done. Sometimes the work is not very creative. Often the excitement and challenge that brought them into business wears thin. The result is a successful business that produces a good income for its owners, but leaving no room for personal and professional development. Then the bickering starts again.

It seems to be true that when we are bored, we bicker. When this happens, it is time to take stock of how the business is organized. Is the business truly a reflection of your talents, or is it running you? Are the spouses/business partners really suited to the jobs they currently have, or have they outgrown them?

If you are really being true to yourself and your partnership, duties should be assigned according to the best suited to the task. In other words, fully use your talents. For example, if the founder of the business doesn’t have good people skills, perhaps the spouse should be president. That way the founder can keep doing what he or she does best, invent things for example, while the more people-oriented spouse can run the business and manage employees and customers.

Be full-time partners at home and at work.

Husbands and wives who work together often slip into efficiently getting things done, but in a hierarchical, military model. Research shows that copreneurs opt for the husband-boss/wife-employee model more often than other entrepreneurial or dual-career couples. Instead of equal partners, these couples slip into the traditional chain of command by which only one person can be the boss.

One day my husband was particularly exasperated with me and confronted me with this question, “Just who is the boss around here anyway?” I was startled, because I thought he knew! Taking a moment to compose myself I replied, “We both are.”

A husband and wife, whether partnering at home as parents or partnering at the business, are both full-fledged adults who contribute to the joint venture. They both should take full responsibility for the outcome of the venture. In other words you are both 100 percent boss and 100 percent responsible.

I believe bickering for these couples is a sign that one partner or the other is feeling powerless in the relationship or business. If the decision-making power is vested with one person, but the other spouse still has major responsibilities but no authority, you have ripe territory for passive-aggressive behavior-bickering.

If you and your spouse are bickering about nothing in particular, or the same argument comes up over and over again, or you are bickering now that you work together but you didn’t bicker before, or most important, you bicker but you never remember what it’s about, take stock of the relationship and ask what needs to change. The simple answer is not to work together, but then you might be missing the most creative team you’ll ever be a part of. Plus, you may miss those early warning signs that the marriage and/or the business plan need to be revamped.

Instead, take the bickering as growing pains and be grateful that you have a spouse who is so important to you that you care enough to get mad about their idiosyncrasies.

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One man gives back to the community that supported him

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Let’s say you have worked for the same boss for 15 years. You are a loyal, hard worker who takes pride in your contribution to the company. You have a fair boss, who pays you well and trusts you to handle your responsibilities like a mature adult. You have good benefits, including a tidy retirement that has been generously matched by your employer. If you call in sick or just want an extra day off occasionally, your boss assumes you have a good reason. To top it all off, everyone else in the company is treated the same way, so you have a happy group of coworkers. Of course you are looking forward to retirement, because work is not your whole life, but for now you couldn’t find a better place to work.

Then one day, you receive a letter in the mail from your boss. He announces that he has sold the company and plans to retire. You had heard the scuttlebutt but weren’t sure if it was true; now you know. The letter goes on to reassure you that your boss has negotiated for all employees to keep their jobs; nice guy again. You sigh, because at 52 you’re not quite ready to retire. Then you pull the bonus check from the envelope. For all your years of service and dedication your boss is rewarding you with one million dollars . . . tax-free!

This fairytale is real, believe it or not. Bob Thompson of Belleville Michigan surprised his 550 workers with similar letters. All told, Bob divvied up $128 million among his employees. Bob’s “share the proceeds plan” included paying hourly workers who already have pension plans, $2000 for each year of service. Salaried workers, without pension plans were given annuities they can cash in at age 55 or 62. Those annuities range from $1 million to $2 million. Thompson even included some retirees and widows in his plan. And to insure that employees actually reached the one million mark, he paid the taxes on these gifts, which amounted to $25 million.

Bob Thompson sold his 40-year-old firm for $422 million, but long before he grew this big he and his wife had planned the gifts. Years before he had already included a number of employees in his will. Bob is not a man who has always lived with money. He started the road construction business in his basement with $3500.00 and the support of his teacher wife.

Although over the next forty years, the money did roll in, money wasn’t Bob’s goal. He said, “People work exceedingly hard for us. It’s a tough business, and this is a demanding company. Some people make a lot of money in the stock market, but we’re dependent on people, so it would just not be fair not to do it. They’ve allowed me to live the way I want to live.”

In addition to the gifts to employees Thompson plans to gift even more to other entities. “It’s sharing the good times. I don’t think you can read more into it. I’m a proud person. I wanted to go out a winner, and I wanted to go out doing the right thing.” Yes, I agree Bob Thompson is a winner, but he’s more than that. As an entrepreneur he took his responsibility seriously. He used his talents to evolve a business to the level where he could give even more back to the community who supported his growth. This stage of development is called Stewardship.

A business, like a child (and adults for that matter) goes through stages of development. Given the right mix, the business will complete its evolution at stewardship. According to psychologist Will McWhinney there are three stages of growth for a family business. The first stage is that of Entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship is the stage of early innovations, niche formation and creativity. Because of the entrepreneur’s determination and charisma, there is high cohesion and commitment from all in the company.

The next stage is Ownership during which there is a need for stability and security to nurture the family. During this stage the family business structure becomes formalized and institutionalized.

The third stage and the one that Bob Thompson epitomizes is Stewardship. Stewardship results when the business is well established, the children are grown, and the founder has developed beyond the need to use the business for his expression of personal power. As the business expands, there is more structural elaboration, adaptation, and possibly decentralization.

Stewardship offers the family business the opportunity to give something back to the community. At the developmental stage of stewardship, family businesses often establish charitable foundations or employee stock option plans, but the family firm has even more to offer. Because family-owned firms are microcosms of the society at large, how the family manages its wealth and influence can have a major impact on society. You must go beyond simple economic theory to understand this influence. The values of the family and the culture of the family firm can have tremendous social impact not only on the quality of commerce, but on the total community.

Naturally many people want to know what Thompson’s employees plan to do with their windfalls. Some have indicated that they will buy new furniture or a new car. Others are spending it on much needed braces for a granddaughter or care for a mentally handicapped child. Still others are putting aside money for college tuition and retirement. But there are a few who say they’ve been inspired to help others. “Of course, that’s what I want to hear,” says Thompson.

Stewardship is a wonderful stage of life for a family business because it offers the entrepreneur the chance to be proud of his or her accomplishments and go out like a winner, as Bob Thompson has. And it puts the entrepreneur and the business in the important position of modeling for others in the community not only how to be winners, but how to do the right thing. Bob Thompson’s idea of winning is sharing the wealth. For him, stewardship is using his wealth to improve the lives of others. But beyond the money, stewardship involves changing the lives of people forever.

Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S., Licensed Psychologist and Consultant to Families in Business, is also the author of ENTREPRENEURIAL COUPLES: Making It Work at Work and at Home. Dr. Marshack is hosting a seminar for entrepreneurial couples on October 15th and 16th and a free breakfast roundtable on November 5th. Call for details at 360-256-0448 or www.kmarshack.com.

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Mentoring women and women mentoring


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Mentoring for men is paying attention to strategy, politicking and developing the skills necessary to succeed in their chosen professions. Up until a few years ago, mentoring for women meant something entirely different.

It meant shopping, styling hair, preparing meals, keeping a good home, finding a successful husband, raising healthy children . . . these are the skills that mothers have taught their daughters for centuries. True, young men do receive coaching on how to dress for success, and even how to choose a wife suitable to their station in life, but these are just “business success” strategies.

Now, business mentoring is coming of age for women. Older women are learning to mentor younger women, and younger women are recognizing the value of receiving mentoring from successful women.

There is a wide range of female mentoring models to choose from. Women are not only working in all fields, but they have moved up the ladder in those fields. Now more women than men are in colleges and universities around the country. More women than men are graduating from law school for example. This is strong evidence that mentoring and role modeling by women has lead to more young women and girls believing in possibilities that their great-great-grandmothers only dreamed about.

But despite the similarities, mentoring for women is a different process than it is for men.

Although mentoring for women has a hierarchical quality women tend to highly value their relationships, at all levels of the hierarchy. Women mentors encourage younger, less skilled women to speak up and contribute to the whole. They tend to recognize abilities even if a young woman has not been with the company very long.

As whole-brained thinkers women can see both the value in the process of arriving at the goal as well as the actual achievement of the goal. The process teaches a woman about herself and her relationship with her co-workers, subordinates, boss or mentor.

My research has found that, for women, getting to know oneself in relationship to others is the foundation of life. Mentoring for them is about developing relationships and about learning as much from the protege as from the mentor. It’s a collaboration, a dialogue, an evolving and developing process leading both women into a deeper relationship as well as a more advanced stage of life.

True, there are concrete skills to learn too. Women, just as men need to be wise to the politics of corporate life. They need to have professional credentials and skills if they want a good salary or to achieve that promotion. It’s just that women take things personally so those personal needs must be addressed.

If there is no woman to mentor her, no mentor to relate to her personally, a young woman may hold herself back from accomplishment because of lack of confidence or lack of a mirror to show her she’s on the right track. That’s why being a mentor, or finding one, can be the key to success.

So just what does a mentor teach? Mentoring can cover the gamut of female behavior from dressing for success to litigation tactics to canning vegetables to dating etiquette. If you are considering mentoring, teach what you know and don’t limit it to the traditional male arena. Your young protégé needs to learn how to be a woman, not just an attorney, or an artist.

You don’t even have to know that much about her interests to be a good mentor. What you need to know is how to encourage her to be the best she can be, how to believe in herself. However, young women are still in great need of learning about all of the career possibilities there are in the world, so if you have a unique specialty, tout it. Let young women know that there are new and exciting career realms to explore.

It’s an exciting new century that we are entering and women are blazing the way. More women than ever will own businesses by the year 2000, a demonstration that women’s power is exploding. Those of you who have laid the foundation for this growth owe it to the younger generations to teach them what you know. The creativity must keep flowing. Women mentoring and mentoring women will undoubtedly insure a strong female leadership in the 21st century.

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The four secrets to running a profitable family business


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Learn From Those Who Know

One of the most challenging of lifestyles is working with your spouse in a thriving business. Most entrepreneurial couples would have it no other way. They love the opportunity to be independent, in charge of their own destinies, and to work along side the one they love and trust most. Maggie and Paul are such a couple. Maggie is a veterinarian with two clinics. Her husband Paul is an assistant district attorney. Although Paul does not work full time in the clinics, he is always a support. Paul is frequently seen at the clinics on his days off, in the evenings and weekends, where he helps Maggie build shelves, organize supplies, care for the boarded animals and so on. And when Maggie brings her “work” home with her, Paul and the children get a chance to be foster family to yet another animal friend.

It hasn’t always been easy for Maggie and Paul, however. Like any other entrepreneurial couple, they have had crises in their marriage and crises in the business that seriously rocked their security. Somehow they pulled through these crises, however, and have come out the other side in superior shape. So the question is . . . how? What do successful entrepreneurial couples know about keeping a marriage and a business on track? And can other couples learn from them? Whether in business or marriage, problem solving requires gathering information. It just makes common sense to find out what successful entrepreneurial couples know and do that works for them. Out of these strategies, you may find a nugget that applies to you and your spouse.

100% – 100% Rule

Over the years I have had the opportunity to meet many entrepreneurial couples and there is a pattern among those who have long-term happy marriages interwoven with a prosperous business life. First and foremost they follow the 100% – 100% Rule. That is, each partner considers her or himself 100% responsible for the quality of her or his individual life as well as their joint ventures (i.e., parenting, household duties, managing and promoting a business). While most couples follow a 50% – 50% Rule, meeting each other half way, by following the 100% – 100% Rule entrepreneurial couples meet each other all of the way. They each put his or her whole self, talents, intuitions, and muscle into the relationships of marriage and business partnership, making each equally responsible for the outcome. Even though for efficiency’s sake they may divide up duties along the lines of who is most capable or available, they still consider themselves as responsible as their partner for the success of the goal.

Encourage Competition

Without question entrepreneurs are achievers and highly competitive. Without these qualities they could not create a successful business venture. Sometimes the achievement motivation and a healthy dose of competitive spirit are all that sustains the entrepreneur during extremely lean times. However, achievement needs and competitive drives are not reserved only for entrepreneurs. These qualities are evident in many people such as corporate executives, Girl Scout leaders, truck drivers, teachers and homemakers.

Sometimes it is not always easy to admit that you are in competition with your spouse, but once the truth comes out you are in a much better position to work with the inevitable. If you are feeling envious of your spouse, or resentful, you are experiencing competition. If you are feeling smarter than your spouse or the need to have the last word, you are experiencing competition. If you evaluate the worth of yourself and your partner by how much you each earn, you are in competition. Instead of being embarrassed by your competitive nature, or suppressing it or even denying it, admit it and acknowledge the problem to your spouse. Then do what successful entrepreneurial couples do . . . they encourage it!

Believe it or not, successful entrepreneurial couples actually encourage competition in their partners but they do put their relationship off limits. That is, their love for each other and commitment to their marriage and family life come before business or career needs. By following the 100% – 100% Rule they forgo competition within the relationship, but can foster it outside the relationship. For example, they give credit where credit is due. If they are copreneurs, working full time together in their joint venture, there are rewards and incentives built into the business for each partner to achieve. Instead of paying only the founder of the business and undervaluing the other spouse’s unpaid help, the supportive spouse is paid what they are worth and not a penny less. Bonuses aren’t banked for the common good, but awarded to the spouse who achieved the reward. Each partner is encouraged by the other to achieve their dreams, to express their strengths, to utilize their talents. If this means besting your partner in a career or business move, it shouldn’t be threatening to your spouse, but viewed as a challenge to work toward his or her own excellence.

Worrying about ego or pride is a waste of precious energy that can better be used in pursuit of your dreams or being creative. Harness that competitive spirit and re-direct your achievement need toward the things you do best at the business or at home. That way not only do you succeed, but your spouse, family, business and community benefits too. What better way to express the 100% – 100% Rule ?

Make Love the Top Priority

With the pull of achievement needs and competitiveness in the business world, entrepreneurial couples have their work cut out for them to sustain balance in their personal lives. Making time for friendship, romance and family togetherness is difficult but imperative. Again successful entrepreneurial couples have figured out how to make love the top priority. They have abandoned the old methods that worked when they were younger and had free time. They realize that spontaneity or waiting for the “right moment” is not likely to happen today with their lives full of so many responsibilities. Rather, they

realize that they have to plan for love to happen and be sustained. And they build a structure they can count on to keep these priorities straight. For example, they schedule once-a-week “dates” with each other to talk and rekindle romance. They make time in the morning or at the end of each day for uninterrupted discussions about anything and everything that is necessary to talk about to keep the flow smooth. They go on frequent mini-vacations of two or three days to pull themselves away from the demands of entrepreneurial life. They each volunteer their time to one community cause or child-related activity. All of these approaches help you remember why on earth you are working so hard anyway . . . to share your successes with the ones you love.

Renegotiate the Terms of the Partnership

By making love the top priority, entrepreneurial couples have a simple way to notice when they need to reorient their lives. If there is no time to give or receive love, from each other or the others in their lives who are supposed to count, then it becomes time to renegotiate the terms of the partnership. If life isn’t meaningful or fun for either of you, it is time to re-evaluate the marriage or the business partnership or both.

In order to keep a business healthy, a business owner must not only be aware of market trends, employment needs, and movements of their competitors, but they must also be prepared to alter their business plan accordingly. Within your personal life, it is no different. A marriage agreement that worked when you were twenty, may be outdated for a couple in their forties, for example. Or aspects of the marriage contract may be archaic while others are still solid. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath as the saying goes, but if some things need changing, do it now, or suffer the consequences of a loveless marriage.

I have met too many entrepreneurial couples where the only thing holding them together is the business. They have forgotten that the business is a function of their love for each other, that by encouraging each other to achieve excellence, they have created a successful venture. By recognizing that the love is diminishing in your relationship and by being willing to renegotiate the terms of your marriage and partnership, you may be able to rekindle the romance and re-direct the business to new heights.

The Guidelines to Success

Although it is a lot work to maintain a healthy personal relationship among the busy-ness of entrepreneurial life, the methods of doing so are simple. Successful entrepreneurial couples already know these secrets. Now it’s your turn to cash in on what they know.

  1. Follow the 100% – 100% Rule and you will have a trusted full-time partner at your side.
  2. Encourage achievement and competition in your partner and you will share the fruits of his or her success along with your own.
  3. When you make love the top priority, you always have a marker to guide your decisions and direction in life.
  4. Finally, when you get off course, stop and renegotiate the terms of the contract, so that you can nurture and sustain business and marriage growth.
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