Author: Kathy Marshack

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Alone or Lonely
Wednesday, March 13, 2019 10:00 AM to 11:00 AM PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Alone or Lonely. At first I titled this conference “Alone and Lonely” but I don’t think that fits. As NTs we are actually OK with being alone. We get time to think, take care of ourselves, rest, create, etc. But it’s the loneliness that is compelling isn’t it? NTs like to balance alone time with people time. Even at a party, we might step outside for a minute to get some fresh air. Or maybe we take a few extra minutes in the bathroom. These are moments to re-center our energies. Other times we rebalance ourselves with a long walk, or playing with the dog (because dogs are not draining like people can be). But we inevitably need our people time too or we get glum. People time is important because with an empathic reciprocal interaction with others, we come to know ourselves better. With our Aspies we are always alone, even when they are in the same room with us. This creates loneliness because we can’t do anything about it, like we can with other people. They don’t have empathy so they don’t look into our eyes and see us. Thus we remain too long in a period of “aloneliness.” This quote from Hugh Jackman (to his wife) explains what it means to be loved and not lonely. “I believe in life we need to see and truly be seen by the most important people in our lives. Deb, from day one, we had that. 22 years later. . . it only gets deeper. You and the kids are the greatest gift I will ever receive. I love you a gazillion times around the world.”

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Alone or Lonely
Thursday, March 7, 2019 3:00 PM to 4:00 PM PT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Alone or Lonely. At first I titled this conference “Alone and Lonely” but I don’t think that fits. As NTs we are actually OK with being alone. We get time to think, take care of ourselves, rest, create, etc. But it’s the loneliness that is compelling isn’t it? NTs like to balance alone time with people time. Even at a party, we might step outside for a minute to get some fresh air. Or maybe we take a few extra minutes in the bathroom. These are moments to re-center our energies. Other times we rebalance ourselves with a long walk, or playing with the dog (because dogs are not draining like people can be). But we inevitably need our people time too or we get glum. People time is important because with an empathic reciprocal interaction with others, we come to know ourselves better. With our Aspies we are always alone, even when they are in the same room with us. This creates loneliness because we can’t do anything about it, like we can with other people. They don’t have empathy so they don’t look into our eyes and see us. Thus we remain too long in a period of “aloneliness.” This quote from Hugh Jackman (to his wife) explains what it means to be loved and not lonely. “I believe in life we need to see and truly be seen by the most important people in our lives. Deb, from day one, we had that. 22 years later. . . it only gets deeper. You and the kids are the greatest gift I will ever receive. I love you a gazillion times around the world.”

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: What to do when your “Aspie” is also a Narcissist

Thursday, March 5th at 4:00 pm Pacific Time

I’ll be honest with you, our High Functioning “Aspies” can develop into full blown Narcissists. There’s very little you can do at this point because they have learned to win consistently with unconscionable behavior. So the goal of this conference is to get clear on what type you are dealing with, “Aspie” or “Aspie/Narcissist.” Then hopefully we can also talk about what do about it.

One of my ASD clients, who leans NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) asked me disgustedly, “Why do I always have to win?” He realized that his need to win at all costs had driven his wife away. He was in tears and writhing on my couch when he asked this question.

This seems like an awakening doesn’t it? However, in the next breath, he called her foul names and complained that “. . .she didn’t have to leave to prove a point.”

The narcissist does know what they are doing. They can recognize that it may cause them pain (in this case losing his wife). But inevitably, their personal suffering outweighs the interpersonal gain of problem solving with their loved one. With EmD-0 our “Aspies” with narcissism, will focus on how to change you so that they feel better. They will not work toward a win-win solution that relieves both of you.

Even if your ASD loved one is workable and wants to play fair, their self-absorption makes them consider narcissistic solutions first. It is important to stand firm against this conduct, no matter how insignificant the “hit” might be. Several micro-hits are as aggressive and damaging is one swift blow.

I debated a long time about bringing up this topic because it angers many people. “Aspies” for one. But it also angers those NTs who want to protect their ASD loved ones from criticism. I get it, but how do you change a destructive behavior if you don’t identify it? And who is there to speak for the victims of narcissistic abuse? So let’s have a discussion that gets to the bottom of this horrible topic and find our inner strength to do the right thing.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.