Author: Kathy Marshack

Consider a few common excuses for keeping a secret and why you should think otherwise:

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

Why are secrets so bad if they don’t hurt anyone? This is usually a rationalization. If you have to keep a secret, then it obviously affects other people. The content of the secret may or may not affect the other person adversely, but the question is, will keeping the secret affect the other person adversely?

“But he or she will get mad at me if I tell them the truth!”

No one likes an argument but it is foolish to think that you can go through life without having disagreements is unrealistic. Therefore it is useful to develop conflict resolution skills, rather than avoid the anger. The excuse that the other person will get mad if you level with him or her is a poor one. First, you never know if he or she will get mad. Second, even if he or she does get mad, the discussion doesn’t have to end. Be brave and venture into conflict resolution. Third, the person may have every right to be upset that you withheld information (or lied) that affects his or her life. Think about it. How do you feel when a secret is kept from you, especially if your decisions depend upon the hidden information?

“It would be mean to be honest.”

The problem with this excuse is that you have no right to assume responsibility for the other person’s life or life decisions. When you keep a secret that affects the life of another, you are robbing them of the opportunity to take responsibility for their own destiny. Essentially it can be disrespectful to keep secrets. You are treating the other person as if they are incompetent to handle the truth. What makes you better able to handle the truth than the other person? Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it is embarrassing. Sometimes the truth is a powerful leveler without which you would never know you are in over your head.

There may be short-term gain in keeping secrets, but the long-term outcome is usually not worth the risk. Openness in all things is the answer, even if it is embarrassing, anger-provoking, or hurtful. Don’t keep secrets, but if you already have, break them. Admit your failure, apologize to those you have lied to and make a promise you can live with. That is, promise to be responsible for your own actions, and allow others access to their own destiny through the truth.

What does it take to make a divorce high conflict? Two things – Motive and Means. “Means”
generally equates to money. If one or both parties have enough money to
wage a war and they are not concerned with an unhealthy outcome (or not
aware of this possibility), this leads to a high conflict divorce.
Another source of means is power, which can come in a variety of forms.
For example, being famous or having media connections is a source of
power. A third source of means is being irrational and tenacious. Even
without money or power, a person can create a high conflict divorce
through simple means. If the controlling person is uncooperative,
antagonistic, and dishonorable, a high conflict divorce will take shape.

Then there is “motive.”
If a person feels aggrieved and they are narcissistic, they can feel
justified doing just about anything to trash and burn the other person.
This includes dragging the children into the fray. And no matter how
self-effacing the egalitarian is, he or she will fight back if pushed
far enough. Thus the motive to protect and defend is aroused.

In
spite of this disheartening look at high conflict divorce, I still
believe it is possible to prevent or at least better tolerate a high
conflict divorce. Anyone going through a life changing experience like a
divorce, high conflict or otherwise, should seek the support of a
therapist, your church, and other groups supportive of your experience.
If at all possible work with a mediator to craft a win-win solution to
your divorce. Be willing to compromise and to walk away with a “half
fair deal.” In the long run, walking away from your money and
possessions is worth it to avoid the acrimony.

For more suggestions on how to cope with a high conflict divorce, read Recognizing High Conflict Divorce on my website. If you live in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area, contact my office for an appointment.

Be Alert to the Symptoms

Your child may be reluctant to tell you that they are being bullied, so you must be alert to symptoms that could indicate that they are being bullied. Here are some things to be on the lookout for:

– physical trauma like bruises and scratches,

– declining grades,

– fear of attending school or regularly feeling sick before going to school,

– change in appetite,

– and a refusal to talk.

Be Proactive

If you suspect that your child may be bullied, you must be proactive and work with your child to handle the situation. By proactive by…

– Asking questions. Work to create an open dialog with your child about what they are going through. Be patient, it may take some time to get your child to open up to you. Try a variety of different questioning methods. You can try being direct, but if that doesn’t work, you may have to question them in a more shrewd, roundabout way.

– Having practice sessions. Work with your child by teaching them ways that they can cope with the bully. Teach them that fighting back is never the answer. Practice how to assertively speak to a bully. If that doesn’t work, then encourage them to walk away from the situation and tell an adult afterward. Create different scenarios and role play.

– Setting a good example. Your children watch you constantly. If you want to raise a strong and confident child, show them how to do it. Do not be a bully yourself.

– Speaking to the school. Don’t assume that teachers know what’s going on at school. Make sure you voice any concerns immediately so you can come up with a prevention plan.

For more proactive tips, visit the article – How can parents help to prevent bullying at their child’s school?

At times, professional help from a mental health care professional may be necessary. If you live in the Portland, OR or Vancouver, WA area, please contact our office for more information.