Tag: depression

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person
Thursday, March 28, 2019 at 7:30 PM PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person. This is a frustrating aspect to our relationships with a loved one who has no empathy. However, I have to say that this simple description seems to resonate with Aspies. They recognize that they acknowledge the content, or topic, or what I call factoids, but are not aware of the person who is speaking. They don’t consider why the person is using the words or the tone or the other innuendos that inevitably go with dynamic conversation. If they can get this, then you might be able to help them understand what’s missing for you . . . namely an acknowledgment that YOU are more important than the topic. They won’t really know why, but they may still honor that it’s important to you. I realize that this is a tough topic, but I believe that knowledge is power. As much as we group members need moral support, we also need strategies. Hopefully you will come away with some strategies from this video conference. Pleased make sure you have a quiet, uninterrupted space to call in.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person
Tuesday, March 26, 2019 at 4:00 PM PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person. This is a frustrating aspect to our relationships with a loved one who has no empathy. However, I have to say that this simple description seems to resonate with Aspies. They recognize that they acknowledge the content, or topic, or what I call factoids, but are not aware of the person who is speaking. They don’t consider why the person is using the words or the tone or the other innuendos that inevitably go with dynamic conversation. If they can get this, then you might be able to help them understand what’s missing for you . . . namely an acknowledgment that YOU are more important than the topic. They won’t really know why, but they may still honor that it’s important to you. I realize that this is a tough topic, but I believe that knowledge is power. As much as we group members need moral support, we also need strategies. Hopefully you will come away with some strategies from this video conference. Pleased make sure you have a quiet, uninterrupted space to call in.

 

Posted on

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person
Tuesday, March 19, 2019 at 10:00 AM PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aspies speak to the topic, not the person. This is a frustrating aspect to our relationships with a loved one who has no empathy. However, I have to say that this simple description seems to resonate with Aspies. They recognize that they acknowledge the content, or topic, or what I call factoids, but are not aware of the person who is speaking. They don’t consider why the person is using the words or the tone or the other innuendos that inevitably go with dynamic conversation. If they can get this, then you might be able to help them understand what’s missing for you . . . namely an acknowledgment that YOU are more important than the topic. They won’t really know why, but they may still honor that it’s important to you. I realize that this is a tough topic, but I believe that knowledge is power. As much as we group members need moral support, we also need strategies. Hopefully you will come away with some strategies from this video conference.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Alone or Lonely

A low cost International Support Group facilitated by Dr. Marshack. This video conference is only for Members of the Meetup group, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.
Click here for membership details and to register for this call.
Topic: Alone or Lonely
Tuesday, March 12, 2019 7:30 PM to 8:30 PM PDT

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Alone or Lonely. At first I titled this conference “Alone and Lonely” but I don’t think that fits. As NTs we are actually OK with being alone. We get time to think, take care of ourselves, rest, create, etc. But it’s the loneliness that is compelling isn’t it? NTs like to balance alone time with people time. Even at a party, we might step outside for a minute to get some fresh air. Or maybe we take a few extra minutes in the bathroom. These are moments to re-center our energies. Other times we rebalance ourselves with a long walk, or playing with the dog (because dogs are not draining like people can be). But we inevitably need our people time too or we get glum. People time is important because with an empathic reciprocal interaction with others, we come to know ourselves better. With our Aspies we are always alone, even when they are in the same room with us. This creates loneliness because we can’t do anything about it, like we can with other people. They don’t have empathy so they don’t look into our eyes and see us. Thus we remain too long in a period of “aloneliness.” This quote from Hugh Jackman (to his wife) explains what it means to be loved and not lonely. “I believe in life we need to see and truly be seen by the most important people in our lives. Deb, from day one, we had that. 22 years later. . . it only gets deeper. You and the kids are the greatest gift I will ever receive. I love you a gazillion times around the world.”

 

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Recognize and interpret problems before the crisis occurs

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

It may be time-consuming to learn that new computer program, or to revamp your marketing strategy, or to take time from work just to go for a walk, but in the long run you may save yourself a lot of grief. All too often we apply a band-aid when surgery was needed.

When problem solving the first question to ask yourself is, “Is this thing I am observing the signal or the problem?” Recognizing and interpreting the signals that others give us is quite a complex process I realize, but you can improve your skills. And if you are willing to take the time to learn, you can stop a number of crises before they materialize.

For example, I often hear from family business owners that they do not have enough time to attend to themselves or their personal relationships. It’s all work and no play. This is a signal that if ignored will grow into a more serious problem.

You need to ask yourself why are you working so hard? Is that your goal? Most people own a family firm because they have a close-knit family who enjoys being together and who can share their talents in a join venture. But if you are too busy managing the nuts and bolts of the business and have no time to really enjoy and communicate with your family, aren’t you overriding one of the reasons why you started a family business in the first place?

Mistaking signals for the problem is another common error. When a person is angry or aggressive, we tend to listen, but when a person is quiet or passive, we tend to ignore them. Actually, those behaviors are signals of something. Just what they are signals of remains to be discovered.

When one of my daughters was learning her math facts in elementary school, she would complain that she didn’t understand. She hid her papers or just threw them away. She avoided math homework as much as she could. As a result, my husband and I were spending hours each week tutoring her, sometimes staying up for hours coaxing her to try. We even began to wonder if she had a learning disability.

When her teacher suggested that she might be manipulated us, I was shocked. She was always such a nice, sweet, lovable child. She never sucked her thumb or threw a tantrum (pretty rare, right?}. Could she be “snowing” us?

To test out the theory I set up a new system of rewards. If she completed her homework within 30 minutes, without any complaining and without any help from her parents, she could earn a fifty-cent “commission” on her allowance. It only took one day. She knew the math facts all along.

One husband was beside himself because his wife could not keep the house clean. The couple ran the business from their home. Although the husband was out all day with customers, the wife was at home taking care of the four small children, answering business calls, and running the company office. The couple had already problem solved somewhat and come up with occasional day care and even a once a month housecleaner, but still the house was a mess.

The problem was they were focusing on the messy house instead of what it represented. In this case, it represented that the wife was torn about her goals. She wanted to be part of the business, but she also wanted to parent her children. Making more time for her to clean the house, a chore she really didn’t like anyway, wasn’t the solution. What worked, however, was to set up a system where she could participate in both worlds without them overlapping so much.

The company office was moved from the dining table to a separate room off the garage. Then the wife devised a schedule that kept her work time separate from her family time. Using these two boundaries, the workspace and the time frame, she was able to be fully with her work and fully with her children when she wanted to.

The bottom line here is that all human behavior is meaningful. But the meaning may come disguised as signals that look like problems themselves. Alcoholism is a signal of a pervasive illness. Alcohol abuse, on the other hand, may be a sign of overwork, too much stress, a lack of parental guidance, or even confusion in the work place. If you try to solve the problem of alcoholism by reducing the person’s stress at work, the alcoholic may just have more time to drink. Likewise, if you recommend alcohol treatment for the person who is abusing alcohol, they may stop drinking but find other self-destructive methods to cope with problems at work.

Whenever I am confronted with this dilemma (Is it a signal or a problem?), I ask myself, “How does this behavior make sense to the person engaging in the behavior?” Don’t ask, “How does it make sense to me?”

If the behavior belongs to someone else, chances are it makes sense in their model of reality, which may look very different than yours. In the case of the couple with the messy house, what made sense according to the wife’s model of reality is that the wife wanted to have a neat house but she wanted something else more. In order to get a clean house, it was necessary to help her accomplish what was more important first.

One final reminder, while some solutions are easy and superficial, many problems require deeper probing. While a band-aid may suffice for a while, it will save a lot of wasted energy and questioning if surgery is done immediately.

On that note, now is the time to learn that new computer program, revamp your marketing strategy, and take the time from work to just go for a walk.

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It makes good business sense to use emotions intelligently


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

“She has a sixth sense with her business.” “He can always close a deal.” “They always make the right investment decisions.” Do you envy them? What’s the key to their success?

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist, suggests that these differences among people may be due to your EQ, or Emotional Quotient. Research demonstrates that not all success in life is determined by IQ, but may rest more on how perceptive one is with regard to your emotions. Those of us who feel our feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, have an advantage over those of us who rely solely on intellect to make decisions.

Among those of you in family firms, a high EQ is vital. Emotions run high in these businesses because of the multiple relationships. For example, it is foolish to ignore that the father-founder may have mixed feelings about a son-employee who is not getting the job done. If the father is unaware of his feelings, (and the son is also unaware), he may have a difficult time transitioning the son to a more suitable position.

Another style seen often in family firms is for the wives and daughters to be the managers of feelings, leaving the men to handle the intellectual facts. Employees know that the wife-/co-owner is the one to seek out when they are having a personal problem. The wife intuitively knows the EQ of the entire company and the husband usually relies on her for counsel. The only problem with this is that two heads are better than one. The husband is sacrificing valuable information if he is not tapping into his own emotional perceptions.

If it’s true, as Goleman suggests, that those of us with a high EQ are more successful, how do we develop this side of ourselves? Then, how do we integrate this information with our reason? It appears to be a matter of mastering these three steps: (1) feeling your feelings; (2) interpreting your feelings correctly; and (3) acting upon the feeling information.

Because you are a living, breathing human being, you are capable of feelings, both physical and emotional. It doesn’t take long to acknowledge those feelings and begin to name them.

Feelings are things like joy, irritation, hunger, fatigue, boredom, confusion, pain, anticipation, pride, embarrassment, tension, and so on. The list is endless and I often advise my clients to get a thesaurus or dictionary and copy down as many “feeling” words as they can find. It is important to refine your repertoire of feelings and feeling words so that you can expand your consciousness about your EQ.

It is also important to remember that you always feel your feelings first. Because of how you are “wired” thoughts or interpretations come after feelings. So it is useful to notice those feelings consciously before your conscious mind decides to ignore them or misinterpret them.

The second step is interpreting those feelings that you have just noticed which is no easy feat. The key element here is to realize that feelings are basically neutral. That is, they are neither good nor bad; they are just feedback. For example, if you haven’t eaten for several hours, you will feel hungry. At first the feeling isn’t unpleasant, but if you don’t eat for days, hunger can be painful. The feeling of hunger is a message that you need to attend to your body by feeding it. But the hunger pangs should not be interpreted as punishment, just because they are unpleasant.

Anger is another example. Anger may feel unpleasant to you and therefore, something to suppress. However, the feeling of anger is neither good nor bad; it is just feedback about something that is important for you to know. Try to view all of your feelings that way. They are feedback in feeling-form about your environment. One person may be triggered to feel angry about something, while another may be triggered to laugh. Feelings are your characteristic way of sensing your environment.

This brings us to step three, acting upon the information you have interpreted from your feelings. In the case of hunger or fatigue, a decision is relatively simple to satisfy those basic needs. But decision-making is more complex when the feelings are part of a financial plan for your business, or whether to fire an employee. This is where EQ really helps. Those individuals who have trusted their EQ throughout childhood and have refined and developed those skills into adult life, are in a much better position to make successful decisions.

While there is nothing like practice and life experience, here are a few basic tips to improve your decision making by including relevant feeling information. 1. Always checkout your feelings before making any decision. 2. Inquire after another’s feelings before proceeding to decision making. 3. Check your feelings again after arriving at the decision. 4. Remember that “feeling good” about something doesn’t always mean that the decision is correct. 5. Be willing to acknowledge that you are afraid or angry or confused. Hiding these feelings from yourself may deny you powerful and necessary information.

Many of you know those successful people who seem always to be in the right place at the right time. They aren’t really any smarter than you are, but probably they trust an “inner knowing” based upon using all of the resources available to them, emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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