Author: Kathy Marshack

We’ve all had moments in conversation when silence falls, and we’re not sure what it means. For those of us in NeuroDivergent relationships, this silence has a name: The Pause.

At first glance, The Pause can feel like avoidance, shutdown, or even passive aggression. But it’s not. In my decades of work with NeuroDiverse couples—and in my own life—I’ve learned that The Pause is a deeply transactional moment for the NeuroDiverse person. It’s when they stop to regulate emotions, gather data, and return to their internal track of logic.

The challenge? NeuroTypicals are Empathy Triad Sensitive. We process interactional data—emotions, tone, context, and relationship history—all at once. When we speak, we expect a response that takes that into account. But for many NeuroDiverse individuals, that expectation is bewildering.

They may interpret our emotional communication as babbling, posturing, or even an attempt to control. One woman on the spectrum once told me, “It feels like you’re trying to win something.” That’s transactional thinking at work.

In my own life, I remember telling my then-husband that I was moving forward with a divorce. He paused, closed his eyes, and said, “I thought we were getting along better.” He had misunderstood my silence as peace. I had stopped talking because I was already grieving the end of our emotional connection.

That’s the heartbreak. NeuroTypicals want to be seen—not just heard. And when empathy is reduced to logic, connection can collapse.

But there’s hope. The 7-Step Interface Protocol helps bridge this divide. If NeuroDiverse individuals can use The Pause to reflect inward—not just stay on script—they can begin to understand that empathy is more than words.

The Pause isn’t the end of the conversation. It can be the beginning of a deeper one.

In previous blog posts, we talked about the power of gossip, the pain of proving the truth, the retaliation that comes when you stand for what’s right, and the unimaginable loss of parental alienation.

So now, what’s next? How do you move forward when so much has been taken from you? How do you write your own story and leave a legacy, even when the people you once loved most may never return? That’s what we’re talking about today.

The Power of Writing Your Own Story

A few months ago, a FedEx driver knocked on my door with a package. Behind me, through the window, my books were neatly arranged—my backdrop for video recordings. As I greeted him, he hesitated for a moment and asked, ‘Are you an author?’

I smiled and said, ‘Yes, but I’m not the kind of author you typically find on the Oregon Coast. I don’t write romance novels. My books are about NeuroDivergent relationships—about Autists in relationships with NeuroTypicals.’

He nodded, said ‘Oh,’ and left. That was that—or so I thought.

A week later, he returned with another delivery. It was a cold day, the roads were icy, and I stepped outside to greet him again. This time, he looked at me with a shy smile and said, ‘I’ve been listening to eight hours of your podcast while driving.’

I was stunned. I asked him, ‘You found my podcast?’

He nodded and said, ‘Yes. I’m autistic. I’ve been listening to your podcasts to help me do better with my wife.’

Tears welled up in my eyes. Here was this young man, about the same age as my daughters, learning from me—learning what I had so desperately wished I could teach my own children. In that moment, I realized something profound: My story was still reaching people, even if it wasn’t reaching the ones I had lost.

The Legacy You Leave Beyond Your Losses

My daughters may never listen to me again. They may never read my books, hear my words, or see my side of the story. But does that mean my story is over? No. Because somewhere out there, there is someone—like that young FedEx driver—who is ready to listen.

And maybe, just maybe, one day the truth will reach my daughters through someone else. Maybe it will be a friend, a partner, or even a stranger who hands them one of my books or repeats something I once said. I may not get to see that moment—but I can trust that the truth has a way of finding the people who need it.

Radiant Empathy: The Fuel for Moving Forward

Radiant Empathy is a direct result of my suffering—but it is also a testament to my refusal to give up on myself. Instead of being consumed by my pain, I transformed it into something that could light the way for others. This journey led me to write my books, to develop the Map of Empathy Territory, and to create the 7-Step Interface Protocol.

At the center of it all is Radiant Empathy, my true north. It is the understanding that we are not bound by the limitations of our past or the cruelty of others. We have the power to rise above, to connect, and to create a life filled with purpose.

One of the most profound moments in this journey came from an ASD reader who found my work inspirational and helped refine the concept of Empathy Triad Engagement. It was a reminder that healing and growth are not solitary endeavors—we learn from each other, we evolve, and we expand the reach of our understanding.

Like my rocket ship dream, Radiant Empathy is the fuel that allows us to break free from the gravity of our past and launch toward new possibilities.

Write Your Own Ending

One of my students was struggling with her life. Her choice to leave her ASD husband had been extremely painful. She asked me how she could cope with the regret and suffering and get on with her life. I looked at her, smiled, and said, ‘You have only one choice. Go Big!’

She got it. She laughed and said, ‘I can do that.’

You are not alone. Your story isn’t over. It is time to go big, because going back is not an option. You have important work to do.

In a previous blog post, we talked about the cost of exposing the truth and what happens when those in power try to destroy you for speaking out. Today, we’re diving into the most painful betrayal of all—when the people trying to hurt you use your own children as their weapon.

Parental alienation is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. When a former spouse, a community, or even a legal system turns your children against you, it can feel like losing them while they’re still alive. How do you survive that? How do you move forward when the people you love most are being manipulated to see you as the enemy? That’s what we’re talking about today.

The Weaponization of Children

During my divorce, Howard didn’t just lie about me in court—he lied to our children. He convinced them that I was the enemy, that I was trying to destroy our family, that I was someone to be feared rather than loved. He told them they didn’t need special services, invalidating their struggles and making me look like I was fabricating everything.

At first, I believed that if I just kept fighting, if I just showed them enough proof, they would see the truth. But the harder I tried, the more they pulled away. The system was not built to protect parents like me—it was built to let alienation fester. And in the end, I had to face the hardest truth of all: Sometimes, you can’t save them.

The Unbearable Grief of Losing Children Who Are Still Alive

One of the most chilling moments came when Phoebe was about 21 and disappeared for several days. She didn’t return my calls or texts. I called her friends and Howard, but got no answers. They were protecting her from me.

I went into her bedroom and noticed that she had pulled up old pictures of her former boyfriend, Jared. She had moved home again after Jared had threatened to kill her by pushing her down the stairs. At that point, she decided to cut off the relationship, and I was grateful. But when I saw Jared’s picture back on her desk, I knew where she was.

I called Jared’s mother. I had called her before, and she had denied knowing where Phoebe was. This time, she didn’t answer the phone. So I sent several texts on Facebook. I was terrified that my daughter was walking back into an abusive relationship.

Eventually, Joyce responded via Facebook text. She told me that she had decided to let the two of them ‘work things out’ and hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t interfere. I was grateful that she at least responded. I asked her to have Phoebe call me so that I knew she was okay. But I got no phone call.

So I texted Joyce again. I told her I was very worried and asked if she could impress on Phoebe that her mother was important enough to call. Joyce said she had tried, but she couldn’t control Phoebe. I understood that—but I also knew that Joyce could not be trusted because she was protecting her abusive son.

I reminded her that I was a worried mother and asked her to try again. I asked if she would feel the same way if it were her own child.

Her response? “I knew it! I knew you would show your true colors. You are as awful as everyone says you are!”

And that’s when I knew all was lost. My daughter loved an abusive man, and his mother would do anything to protect him—even if it meant lying to my daughter about me. And she carried that out for years.

Finding Peace in Letting Go

It’s a paradox: The more you step into your own truth, the more likely it is that the truth will find its way to them—one day, through someone else.

If you are facing parental alienation, I need you to hear this: You are still a mother. You are still a father. Their rejection does not erase the love you gave them. One way you can still be their mother or father is to demonstrate the resilience to carry on with your life, to become all God wants you to be. You do not have to spend the rest of your life proving your worth to children who have been turned against you. You can choose to live. You can choose to love. You can choose to be the person you were meant to be—regardless of who sees it.

In a previous blog post, we talked about the power of gossip and how it can take on a life of its own. But what happens when you actually prove the truth—and it still doesn’t matter? What happens when the facts are on your side, yet people refuse to see them?

The Pain of Proving Yourself

The expectation: If you just provide enough evidence, people will believe you.

The reality: Sometimes, even the truth doesn’t change minds.

In my divorce, I brought in medical records, specialists, and educators to prove my daughters had special needs. The judge was stunned—but the damage was already done. Howard’s lies had taken root in the community, and no amount of truth could erase them overnight.

Why do people cling to lies, even when confronted with facts?

When Systems Fail You

How do you move forward when justice doesn’t come? I spent years trying to reach my daughters, believing that if I just found the right words, the right approach, the right legal argument, I could undo the damage that had been done. But what I didn’t realize was that every moment I spent in that fight, I was losing myself. The grief was consuming me. The anger was poisoning me. And eventually, I had to ask myself—if I keep living like this, what will be left of me?

Choosing Higher Ground

If you are facing parental alienation, I need you to hear this: You are still a mother. You are still a father. Their rejection does not erase the love you gave them. You do not have to spend the rest of your life proving your worth to children who have been turned against you. You can choose to live. You can choose to love. You can choose to be the person you were meant to be—regardless of who sees it.

• Accept that some people may never believe you.
• Focus on building your own life instead of fighting for validation.
• Discover the power of letting go and step into your future.

Discover what happens when the battle for your children is lost, and how to move forward anyway. Remember, stay strong, stay true, and keep rising.

Have you ever felt like you’re doing all the work in your relationship? That you’re the one making all the effort while your partner just coasts along? If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re not alone. This is a common frustration in NeuroDivergent relationships—but it’s based on a misunderstanding. The truth is, both partners have work to do—but the work looks different.

Today, we’re going to unpack that. We’ll explore why NeuroDiverse (EmD-0) and NeuroTypical (EmD-5) partners grow toward Radiant Empathy in different ways, and how recognizing this can transform your relationship. I’ll also share a powerful story of a NeuroDiverse man who had a major breakthrough when he stopped trying to become NeuroTypical—and how it freed not only him but also his wife.

The Two Different Paths to Radiant Empathy

The Work of the NeuroDiverse Partner (EmD-0)

Let’s start with the NeuroDiverse partner—someone who is EmD-0, which means they struggle to integrate all three parts of the Empathy Triad in real-time. Many of my clients in this category are incredibly intelligent, kind, and even intuitive—but they often misread social cues or take longer to process emotions.

One client of mine—a highly successful autistic man—came to me because he believed the ideal was to be NeuroTypical. He saw himself as behind in understanding emotions and thought his best hope was to somehow “catch up.” But the truth is, he was looking at it the wrong way.

When I helped him see that the goal wasn’t to become NeuroTypical, but to be Empathy Engaged in his own way, something clicked for him. He realized that he could develop deeper empathy, but it would take time, structured reflection, and intentional work. Once he accepted this, everything changed. Instead of seeing himself as ‘deficient,’ he saw a clear, achievable path forward.

But what really surprised him was when I told him that NeuroTypicals can also have Empathy Dysfunction—not because they lack emotional insight, but because many don’t have the curiosity or courage to step it up to Radiant Empathy.

This shook him. He had always assumed that NeuroTypicals had easier access to empathy and therefore had an advantage. But once he saw that many NeuroTypicals get stuck in their own fear, assumptions, and avoidance, it changed his entire perspective. He realized that he wasn’t inferior—he just had a different kind of work to do.

Once he understood that he wasn’t inferior, just growing differently, it shifted how he saw his wife’s struggles too. Instead of assuming she had all the emotional advantages, he realized that she also had work to do—just in a different way. And as he made peace with his own path, something unexpected happened: his wife had a breakthrough too.

The Work of the NeuroTypical Partner (EmD-5)

Now, let’s talk about his wife. She’s NeuroTypical—EmD-5—and for years, she struggled with grief and frustration over their relationship. She loved him, but she felt alone in her emotions. She wished he could express love and connection the way she did. She often felt like she was doing more of the work, and she wanted him to change so she wouldn’t feel so heartbroken.

But when her husband realized he could engage with empathy in his own way, she had a breakthrough too. She stopped waiting for him to become someone he wasn’t. She stopped grieving the loss of a ‘normal’ relationship. The weight of years of frustration lifted. And in that moment, she felt free—free to stop crying, free to accept what was real, and free to develop herself fully. She realized that true love isn’t about getting what you expected—it’s about seeing what’s already there.

As an empathic person, she had always preferred to move forward together—but she realized that sometimes, true growth requires moving forward alone. She needed to trust that whether she and her husband grew together or at different paces, freedom would allow them both to grow in their own way.

The Turning Point: Choosing Radiant Empathy

So what does this mean for you? Whether you’re EmD-0 or EmD-5, the work is the same in one crucial way: You have to stop waiting for your partner to change before you grow.

Plus, the 7-Step Interface Protocol is the way to be Empathy Engaged until you reach Radiant Empathy. Here’s how it works:

1) Resilience – Stay committed to personal growth even when it feels difficult.

2) Accept NeuroDivergence – Recognize that you and your partner process empathy differently.

3) Empathy Triad is Necessary – Cognitive, emotional, and intuitive empathy must work together.

4) Be Brave – Face difficult emotions rather than avoiding them.

5) Take Breaks – Give yourself space to process without shutting down.

6) Use Workarounds – Find creative ways to communicate and connect.

7) Forgive and Apologize – Let go of resentment and repair when needed.

If you keep using these 7 steps, it brings everything together.

The moment my client let go of the belief that he needed to be NeuroTypical, he was free to grow. And the moment his wife stopped grieving what wasn’t, she was free to fully live. This is the essence of Radiant Empathy—not just feeling, but engaging in your own way.

Until next time. Keep growing, keep loving, and keep showing up for yourself and those who need you most.

Today, we’re uncovering a myth that’s rarely talked about—how autistic women often mask so well that they end up over-accommodating others to the detriment of their health.

One woman on the Autistic Culture Podcast recently said something that stopped me in my tracks. She claimed that if a male boss offered her a 15-hour-a-day job where she got no credit for her work, she’d jump at the opportunity. She thought this was a gender-only issue, when in fact, it is both a gender and autism issue—but I see the tragedy of this pattern all the time.

The Double Standard in Masking: Autistic Women vs. Autistic Men

Women in general are better at masking than men, but for autistic women, this ability often backfires. While little autistic boys may be allowed to be goofy—especially if they excel at math, video games, or rebuilding engines—autistic girls are often shunned for not “looking” or behaving like NT girls.

One of my high school friends carried a man’s leather briefcase to class instead of a purse, and it made her a social outcast. Another woman I knew earned a Ph.D. in paleontology and actually fit in fairly well because she was brilliant—but she spoke too loudly and had no friends. Autistic women are often overlooked or dismissed in professional and social spaces, not because they lack intelligence or skill, but because they fail to match NT expectations.

The Hidden Struggles of Autistic Women

Many autistic women experience profound challenges in connecting with others, even within their own families. One young woman on the Autism Spectrum told me that she tried to tell her mother about her autism by sending her TikTok videos. But her mother, who was in the midst of divorcing her autistic father, still didn’t understand. This same 22-year-old described how she would memorize five topics before going to a party so she would have something to talk about—as if conversation was just talking rather than a dynamic exchange.

She also spoke about the fatigue of masking all day at school as a child. While other kids played outside after school, she went home to take a nap. In her desperation to connect with her mother, she remembers making the decision to invent a thought when her mother asked what she was thinking. She knew she couldn’t tell her mother that she was mesmerized by the serrations of a leaf lying on the ground by the picnic table and wasn’t actually engaging in conversation.

Real Stories of Over-Accommodation

• Autistic women often experience hormonal imbalances that lead to PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). My daughter, Bianca, would faint and have to sleep in the nurse’s office until I could pick her up and bring her home. This connection between autism and hormonal regulation is rarely discussed but has a significant impact on quality of life. I’ll be exploring this topic in more depth in a future episode, as it’s an essential part of understanding the unique challenges faced by autistic women.
• A woman who would call in sick to help her boyfriend get to work on time, even though he lived across town and routinely overslept.
• A woman who suffered severe hair loss and digestive problems trying to accommodate a demanding boss. She only realized she was autistic at age 45—when she came to my office for hypnosis and finally got a proper diagnosis.

Autistic women, particularly those who mask well, often become people-pleasers to their own detriment. Liane Holliday Willey, in her book Pretending to Be Normal, describes this experience—how masking allows autistic women to blend in but at a profound personal cost. They comply so thoroughly with societal expectations that they don’t recognize when their own needs aren’t being met, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout.

Breaking Free from the Over-Accommodation Trap

The solution isn’t to tell autistic women to stop caring—it’s about helping them set boundaries, recognize their needs, and advocate for themselves without guilt.