Author: Kathy Marshack

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Here’s the secret to finding a reliable auto mechanic

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Have you ever experienced that chilling feeling that creeps up your spine when your car starts acting up? It’s bad enough to be inconvenienced by having your car in “the shop,” but what’s even more frightening is having to face the mechanic, a person you don’t trust, yet need.

Mechanics lie to you. They make unnecessary repairs and over-charge you. It’s not just a feeling. There have been “undercover” stories on television where the mechanics are caught “red-handed.” Mechanics can’t be trusted. That’s a fact! At least, this is what I believed until a couple of years ago when I met our current “family auto mechanic.” This guy is like a breath of fresh air. He and his wife run the shop with a couple of employees. He’s honest, hardworking, RELIABLE. His prices are fair. The work gets done in a timely manner. And to cap it off, my car is always better after he’s fixed it. Is it any wonder that his business has grown steadily over the years, so that he had to move from his quaint little storefront to larger more professional space? I hope the growth doesn’t change his values. With this issue of the Vancouver Business Journal , I began to wonder what is it that makes our “family auto mechanic” so exceptional. There are the basics. He’s timely. He’s knowledgeable. He’s personable but not terribly out-going.He remembers my name. He charges what the work is worth, not what the traffic will bear. I always get answers; no double-talk. He rarely tells me he has no time for me. If he can’t fix it, he tells me where I can get the car fixed.

He does little extras; he’s willing to pull leaves out of rain drains so that the interior of my car stays dry.A major appliance company conducted a study a few years ago to learn how to improve the quality of the repairs on customer’s appliances. The technicians were given tests to determine their personality style; then divided into one of two types, introvert and extravert. Introverts are people who quietly within themselves figure out the problem. Whereas, extraverts are more noisy about their problem solving, needing to talk aloud and get feedback from others. The appliance company then asked their customers two questions: (1) How satisfied are you with the repair?; and (2) How satisfied are you with the technician? While the customers found the extraverted technicians more personable, there were fewer complaints about the repairs done by the introverts. In other words, the guy who quietly goes about his business of getting the job done, but doesn’t interact much with the customer does a better job. Our “family auto mechanic” fits this picture. But there’s more. There’s something deeper that makes my mechanic special. He really seems to love his work. He works hard, often late into the night. And his wife is working right beside him. It must be that he enjoys solving the mystery behind my car problems. He probably wants to earn money too, but money is a byproduct of doing what you love.

Obviously our “family auto mechanic” is being paid well for doing what he loves. I know that I am not alone in this desire to have a mechanic I can trust and who does quality work. Recently on National Public Radio I was listening to “Car Talk,” a lively program dedicated to answering tough car repair problems called in by listeners. On this particular night I was amused to have an astronaut call in from his space shuttle orbiting the Earth. Although the reception was compromised by a little static, I learned about the problems astronauts have with their vehicles.But what was even more fascinating about the program is that the hosts were offering to set up a free locator service for mechanics. They asked listeners to send in the names of mechanics that they felt were RELIABLE and trustworthy. If you want to find a mechanic you can trust, you need to get to know the person. Just as with your physician or hair dresser, the relationship with your mechanic should be more than passing. In our frenzied world, many of us have lost tract of the community spirit, but that community spirit is what helps build trust. If I know my mechanic and his family and he knows me and mine, we can build a relationship of trust over the years. He knows just how I like things done. I know that I can trust him to have my best interests at heart. Most importantly, I want to work with someone who cares about me, not just my car; and I want to work with someone I care about too.

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Building balance in family business partnerships


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

The Yin and the Yang; other than an interesting design for a T-shirt or jewelry, what do we really know about this symbol? Better yet, what is the relevance to our modern life? Simply, the Yin and Yang symbol represents those masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves as individuals, as couples, as neighborhoods, as corporations, as countries. Because the symbol is drawn to show the intertwining of these aspects, the meaning inferred is that we are dependent upon both to build a whole…a whole person, couple, neighborhood, corporation or country. Whatever your spiritual convictions, most people will agree that there are these feminine and masculine traits to be seen in many situations as well as within us. Psychologists have even developed tests to determine how strong certain masculine and feminine traits are within an individual. For example, some people score highly feminine, some highly masculine and some androgynous (or highly masculine and highly feminine). The masculine qualities are typically assumed to be aggressiveness, decisiveness, little show of emotion and so on. Feminine qualities are passiveness, supportiveness, emotionality and so. None of us have only feminine traits or only masculine traits. And some of us even have both masculine and feminine traits in abundance. The value of assessing your Yin/Yang quotient is to determine how much balance you have in your life and your relationships. It is not more desirable to be androgynous or masculine or feminine. The real question is whether you have struck a healthy balance within yourself and among your loved ones. In a family/business this balance is even more crucial. Not only is the health of your relationships affecting family functioning, but business functioning as well. Therefore, a healthy dose of masculine and feminine within a family/business should keep it humming successfully. “I couldn’t be successful without her.” “I wish more wives could learn the joys of working with their husbands.” “

You don’t really understand what it takes to run this business because you work in the office.” “He doesn’t really care about his family because he works all hours.”These are examples of the Yin and Yang in operation among couples who work together. At times there is respect for the strength of the other person even though it is different than your strength. At other times, we get bogged down in our own reality and forget the valuable contributions of our partners. When the latter happens, the couple and the business are headed for trouble. Avoiding the pitfalls requires lots of love, open communication, and fearlessness in confronting problems. For example, I had a wife come to me in tears because her husband was dominating her in the family business. Apparently the wife had started the business at home in their garage. When the business took off and became too large to handle, the husband quit his job and came to work for his wife in the business. Unfortunately, his masculine qualities were pushing against his wife’s feminine qualities. While she wanted to have his help, she still wanted to be the leader. And as his wife, she wanted to be loving and supportive, but not if it meant giving up her accomplishments. The husband, on the other hand was totally oblivious of the trouble he was stirring up. He was only trying to help. In a typical masculine way, he thought that if he had a good idea, and if his wife didn’t say no, then it was OK to proceed. This type of complication between husbands and wives who work together is all too common. The research shows that husbands will dominate decision making and leadership in the business even if the wife founded the business…even if the business is a stereotypically female business, such as a nail salon!

To bring things back into balance, these copreneurs need to remember why they chose to work together in the first place. They need to assess whether the Yin/Yang balance is a good one in the work place and at home. The research shows that working people find great rewards at work, unlike what they get from family interactions. Yet these same working people report that their families are more important to them. In order to get the most from both worlds, especially when they overlap as in a copreneurial venture or family business, you need to really appreciate the Yin/Yang in your self and your spouse and other family/coworkers. For example, when you find yourself complaining that your wife/business partner doesn’t really understand what it’s like “out in the field,” ask yourself if you could do her job in the office. Better yet, ask yourself who you would hire to replace this trusted employee and tireless worker. When you feel that your husband/coworker doesn’t really love you anymore or that he treats his business clientele better than you or the children, ask yourself how the business would have grown without his determination and willingness to sacrifice his own personal time. With these new perceptions you are in a much better position to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. To be sure, if one spouse keeps putting in long hours at the expense of the family; and if spouses work side by side, doing their jobs, but never understanding each other, there is not much of a relationship, personal or business. Instead, with love and appreciation for past contributions, begin talking about change. Talk about striking a balance between love and work. Talk about the risk of losing a client or losing a spouse if priorities don’t get straight. Talk about doing a little training with your spouse so that they do understand just what your job involves. Train the kids too; prepare them for the future when they too will seek to balance Yin and Yang.

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Work related stress – Is it a symptom or the problem?


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

It may be time-consuming to learn that new computer program, or to revamp your marketing strategy, or to take time from work just to go for a walk, but in the long run you may save yourself a lot of grief. All too often we apply a band-aid when surgery was needed.

Here’s just one real-life example. I had heard stories about cats, that they cold be territorial and even jealous. So I was not surprised when my cat, Misha, started having “accidents” in the house just after the birth of my eldest child. After all, her role as my “baby” was being usurped by the new little bundle.

I was prepared though, being trained in psychology. I introduced Misha to the new baby and played with the cat and baby together. I bought Misha new toys and kitty treats so that she wouldn’t be jealous of the baby’s new things. I made appoint of holding and petting the cat more often than usual, so she wouldn’t feel forgotten.

But in spite of all of my efforts she continued to have “accidents.” I was getting pretty frazzled with a new baby to care for and adjust to and a cat that was going off the deep end. I was about at the end of my rope one day when in walked Misha. I was sitting in the recliner feeding the baby, when Misha walked up to me, crouched at my feet and defecated right in front of me.

That did it. The next day, I packed up the cat and took her to the vet, threatening to leave her there if a solution could not be found. Within a few minutes after examining the cat, the vet advised me that she had cystitis and needed antibiotics. Needless to say within a few days, Misha was back to normal and using the garden instead of my living room.

How often have you been unable to solve a problem because you were looking in the wrong direction as I was with Misha? Or perhaps you thought the solution should be more complicated than it needed to be?

In my situation, I was just to darned smart for my own good. The solution wasn’t nearly as complicated as I had made it. But this experience was a great reminder to me of how often we get lost in our own realities. As a psychologist I can easily thing everything is psychological, because psychology is a big part of my world

Problem solving with people is even more difficult than with cats. But the strategy is really still the same. The first question to ask yourself is, “Is this thing I am observing the signal or the problem?” In Misha’s case, I was observing a signal coming from Misha that was creating a problem for me. In order to solve my problem, I needed to interpret Misha’s signal and develop a solution that would take care of her problem before I could take care of mine.

Recognizing and interpreting the signals that others give us is quite a complex process I realize, but you can improve your skills. And if you are willing to take the time to learn, you can stop a number of crises before they materialize.

For example, I often hear from family business owners that they do not have enough time to attend to themselves or their personal relationships. It’s all work and no play. This is a signal that if ignored will grow into a more serious problem.

You need to ask yourself why are you working so hare? Is that your goal? Most people own a family firm because they have a close-knit family who enjoys being together and who can share their talents in a join venture. But if you are too busy managing the nuts and bolts of the business and have no time to really enjoy and communicate with your family, aren’t you overriding one of the reasons why you started a family business in the first place?

Mistaking signals for the problem is another common error. When a person is angry or aggressive, we tend to listen, but when a person is quiet or passive, we tend to ignore them. Actually, those behaviors are signals of something. Just what they are signals of remains to be discovered.

When one of my daughters was learning her math facts in elementary school, she would complain that she didn’t understand. She hid her papers of just threw them away. She avoided math homework as much as she could. As a result, my husband and I were spending hours each week tutoring her, sometimes staying up for hours coaxing her to try. We even began to wonder if she had a learning disability.

When her teacher suggested that she might be manipulated us, I was shocked. She was always such a nice, sweet, lovable child. She never sucked her thumb or threw a tantrum (pretty rare, right?}. Could she be “snowing” us?

To test out the theory I set up a new system of rewards. If she completed her homework within 30 minutes, without any complaining and without any help from her parents, she could earn a fifty-cent “commission” on her allowance. It only took one day. She knew the math facts all along.

One husband was beside himself because his wife could not keep the house clean. The couple ran the business from their home. Although the husband was out all day with customers, the wife was at home taking care of the four small children answering business calls, and running the company office. The couple had already problem solved somewhat and come up with occasional day care and even a once a month housecleaner, but still the house was a mess.

The problem was they were focusing on the messy house instead of what it represented. In this case, it represented that the wife was torn about her goals. She wanted to be part of the business, but she also wanted to parent her children. Making more time for her to clean the house, a chore she really didn’t like anyway, wasn’t the solution. What worked, however, was to set up a system where she could participate in both worlds without them overlapping so much.

The company office was moved from the dining table to a separate room off the garage. Then the wife devised a schedule that kept her work time separate from her family time. Using these two boundaries, the workspace and the time frame, she was able to be fully with her work and fully with her children when she wanted to.

The bottom line here is that all human behavior is meaningful. But the meaning may come disguised as signals that look like problems themselves. Alcoholism is a signal of a pervasive illness. Alcohol abuse, on the other hand, may be a sign of overwork, too much stress, a lack of parental guidance, or even confusion in the work place. If you try to solve the problem of alcoholism by reducing the person’s stress at work, the alcoholic may just have more time to drink. Likewise, if you recommend alcohol treatment for the person who is abusing alcohol, they may stop drinking but find other self-destructive methods to cope with problems at work.

Whenever I am confronted with this dilemma (Is it a signal or a problem?), I ask myself, “How does this behavior make sense to the person engaging in the behavior?” Don’t ask, “How does it make sense to me?”

If the behavior belongs to someone else, chances are it makes sense in their model of reality, which may look very different than yours. In the case of the couple with the messy house, what made sense according to the wife’s model of reality is that the wife wanted to have a neat house but she wanted something else more. In order to get a clean house, it was necessary to help her accomplish what was more important first.

One final word of caution. While my experience with Misha is a reminder that some solutions are easy and superficial, many problems require deeper probing. While a band-aid may suffice for a while, it will save a lot of wasted energy and questioning if surgery is done immediately.

On that note, now is the time to learn that new computer program, revamp your marketing strategy, and take the time from work to just go for a walk.

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Making the most out of psychological consultation



By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

The other day, a client came into my office and sat down in the rocking chair, she crossed her arms and asked, “Well, what do you want me to talk about today?”

Her response reminds me that many clients of professional consultation, particularly psychological consultation, do not know how to use the consultant’s time. Paula’s questions reveals her belief that the consultant is in complete charge of the relationship, can read her mind, and has ready advice for every contingency.

It is understandable that people put this much power into the hands of their consultants. If you have a problem that is overwhelming, it somehow feels safer to let someone else be in charge of the solution.

The problem is that you the client/business owner have to make the decisions about your life and work. As Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here.” No one other than yourself can ultimately decide your proper course of action.

Psychologists know from our research that people will take credit for their successes and blame someone else for their failures. What most people don’t realize is that if you are brave enough to take full responsibility for all of your decisions, whether or not they were guided by a consultant, you have much more of a chance of success.

Because you are noticing all of you little and big failures along the way, you stand a better chance of correcting the problems before a crisis erupts.

Too often I am confronted with clients who have waited until the top has blown off the project. They are desperate. They want immediate solutions. They often get disgruntled with the consultative process because we are taking time to repair damage before we can move to more proactive work. If as the client or business owner you are ready to face your weaknesses as well as your strengths, if you are ready to admit your ignorance, the consultant can step in sooner to help you.

If you view each failure as only feedback, you will be operated as the cybernetic system you were designed to be. Get your Ego out of the way. Admit your ignorance. Use skills creatively. Use your employees creatively. Be open to solutions that at first sound ridiculous. They may sound ridiculous because you haven’t had time to expand your consciousness to include new ideas.

The consultant’s job, if they are doing their job, is more process oriented than task oriented. While you may want the advice or labor of our consultant regarding tasks that you are not skilled to handle, the consultant can help you best by getting you to think and use your own talents toward the solution.

Your lawyer cannot writ up a will without knowing your wishes specifically. Your CPS cannot advise on investment of even tax planning without understanding your financial objectives. Your Organization Development Psychologist cannot guide you in those tricky interpersonal problems without knowing how you and your personnel fee.

Knowing that you are really the decision-maker makes it a lot easier to take charge of the consultative process and ask the questions that need asking. Don’t be afraid to ask a stupid question.

Slow your consultant down and ask for clear explanations and rationale for their recommendations. The psychologist is an expert in her field and may not realize that you don’t understand her jargon or thought process. You are paying the psychologist for her education, knowledge and expertise, and to help you make the best decision for yourself, your family and your company.

Finally, if you are going to benefit by the use of a consultant, be prepared to do some hard work. Change is not an easy process. Just as when you first learned to drive a car, you have to be aware of every little move if you are to change your behavior and business organization or strategies. Now, driving a car is so automatic that your rarely remember the time between putting the key into the ignition and arriving at your destination. But at one time it took every ounce of concentration you had to master the ignition, the clutch, the rearview mirror, the brakes, the accelerator, the odometer, and so on.

The psychologist/consultant assists and guides in the process of change, but it is up to you to do the work. It is also up to you to refine the advice of your consultant to fit your unique situation. Things may sound good on paper, but in practice may need a little modification.

Psychologists know from our research that if too much time lapses between the consultation and taking action, the person will not do the required work in order to change. Take the time to put into practice what your consultant and you have decided. Notice where it works and where it doesn’t. Then keep modifying until you have a system that fits you perfectly.

Process consultation is a valuable contribution to your business. The psychologist can open your thinking in directions you never thought of before.

For example, two brothers were arguing bitterly about how to manage their landscaping business. In terms of skills they were ideally suited to be partners. One was the landscape architect; the other had the sales skills and business management savvy.

They had also grown up with the business and inherited it when their father died. Nevertheless there were constant arguments about how to handle clients, employees, investments, and so on. The trust between the two brothers/business partners was shattered.

The brothers finally turned to a psychologist when their business consultant, attorney, and CPA failed to find a resolution. The psychologist helped the brothers recognize that while they loved each other as brothers, their lack of common interests and values make it difficult to be business partners. In other words if they had not been brothers, they may never have chosen each other as friends of business partners.

The psychologist also helped them to get over feeling guilty for breaking up the family and the family business that Dad had founded. Each was able to move on as an independent landscape contractor with his own business modeled after his own distinct personality. Now they can socialize as brothers, attend family functions and even refer each other business.

Psychological consultation is probably the most intricate form of consultation you will engage in. The focus is more on how you communicate and make decisions than on what you say or do. Many decisions and relationships can be much improved by changing the how or the process. If the two brothers had maintained their old method of relating they would have destroyed their relationship, the business or both. As a result of being willing to consider other methods of defining a family and a family/business, the brothers were able to transform themselves to amore productive and happier level of functioning.

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How do you grow up if you don’t leave home

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Forty year old Cathy has worked in her family’s restaurant business for 25 years. Her older brother Charles has done the same. Both have matured with the family business and seen it grow from one restaurant to five. Cathy’s parents, the founders are nearing retirement and want the business to carry on under the care of their children. Cathy and Charles are ready and well trained (both on-the-job and college degrees) for succession. They work well as a team so there is no competition for leadership. Where’s the problem? The problem is the youngest son, Brian. At 35, Brian has never worked in the family firm, preferring to try his hand in other ventures. Unfortunately everything Brian has tried has failed. Always there to help, Cathy’s parents have “bailed” Brian out of one jam after another. Now as they face retirement, the parents want Cathy and Charles to hire Brian and to share ownership and management of the family business with him! Needless to say Cathy and Charles are beside themselves with frustration and fear. They don’t want to offend their parents. After all, without their parents neither Cathy nor Charles would be in the fortunate position of owning a thriving business. However, Brian’s inexperience, lack of maturity and questionable work ethic may cause considerable problems in the business. Neither Cathy nor Charles relish the idea of taking care of their brother indefinitely as their parents have done. This type of problem is all to common in family-owned firms. Being a parent is the single most important job in anyone’s life. Most of us cherish this responsibility and we are very reluctant to give it up when the children leave home. In family firms where children may never leave home, the parenting role may continue indefinitely. In Brian’s case, this appears to be true. A parent’s job is to nurture and protect children so that they can grow up healthy and capable of independent adult life. But parent’s don’t teach independence directly. Independence is a state of mind that children must conquer for themselves. All cultures have growing-up rituals which affirm that the child has reached a stage of maturity wherein they must accept adult responsibility for their actions. The Bar Mitzvah is a religious ritual acknowledging that the young Jewish boy is now responsible for his own spiritual development.

Most American sixteen-year-olds get their driver’s license, which is a type of ritual acknowledging that the teenager is fully responsible for their driving behavior. But just because a child has gone through the ritual doesn’t mean they have made the cognitive leap to mature thinking. In a way, the Bar Mitzvah or the driver’s license is really a license to begin learning to be an adult. To be responsible for all the mistakes one makes on the way to adulthood is the real test of maturity. Parents in family firms sometimes interfere with the growing-up process by being just a little to ready to rescue their progeny. Sometimes Mom and Dad fight over the child because one doesn’t want the child hurt and the other wants the child to face their mistakes. Alternatively the child may be making a bid for independence but the parents thwart it. On the one hand parents complain that their grown child is not very strong or capable of leadership. Then on the other hand, they complain when the child speaks up for himself. One grown son complained that his father would “micro-manage me.” The son carried the title of manager of one department in the family firm, but his father really never let him run the show. And to add insult to injury the father would stop by his son’s house almost daily to advise him how to take care of the son’s family and home. The father’s complaint was that the son “never listens to me.” In a fit of frustration the son quit the company, moved out of state and went to work for a competitor. But within a year he left the job and returned to his father’s company. His bid for independence had been crushed by father’s lack of support. Yet in other situations siblings give each other a hard time. If one child makes a bid for independence by leaving the family business, a sibling who is staying behind may become resentful if the parents are just as helpful to the departing child as to the one left behind. Also family members can feel as if the child who is leaving is breaking family ties and therefore not very loving. In order to acquire that state of mind that makes us an independent adult, a child has to prove him- or herself in the world.

This proof often comes by leaving the parental home and conquering one’s fears about being self supporting. Many CEOs of family firms had no one helping them getting the business off of the ground, so they had ample opportunity to prove their adulthood. But what of their children, who have never had to look for a job? Some children can acquire maturity while working for their parents, perhaps by going off to college. But for most children they will have a very difficult time developing the strength of character required to run a business if they have not had preparation through the “School of Hard Knocks.” If this sounds cruel, think for a moment about where your greatest lessons in life came from. Chances are you grew the most and gained the greatest confidence from conquering the impossible tasks that no one else could do for you. There are a variety of strategies for ensuring that the second and third generations in family firms really grow up. The strategy that fits for your business depends upon the business, the parent’s skills and personality and the skills and personalities of the children. In any case the child needs an environment where they must prove themselves capable of leadership in the family business. For some this means leaving the business for awhile and working elsewhere. For others, it means getting a graduate education before returning to the family business. Another child may benefit by working their way up from the “mailroom” with no preferential treatment from the parents. Finally, some children will be better family members and more capable adults if they never return to the family business. There are two goals in family firms. One is to develop a thriving and competitive business. The second is to develop healthy independent mature adults who can contribute to society. It would be very efficient to accomplish both goals within the framework of a family business, but this isn’t always possible. And these two goals are not mutually dependent. Keep in mind that the business can be successful without the child and the child can be successful without the business. That is, set your sights on accomplishing both goals independent of each other, and you may be surprised how they come together in the long run.

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How to listen and win in family business communication


By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Years ago, when my husband and I were just getting started, we lived in a small one bedroom house. He was finishing law school that Summer and we were planning a big celebration. Since graduation and our party were slated for August; and since family and friends would be flying in from out of town, I wanted our little home to be as pleasant as possible for this important occasion. Over the next few months, while we planned, I would suggest that I wanted a window air conditioner so that our stuffy little house would be more comfortable for the party. My husband always said he thought that was a waste of money, especially in the Northwest, where we see the sun so seldom. Nevertheless, I persisted, until one day he was particularly annoyed with me. I told him I had spotted a sale on air conditioners at a local appliance store and wanted to check them out. In frustration, he placed his hands on the table in front of him, pushed himself up from the chair, looked me squarely in the eye and announced, “We aren’t getting an air conditioner and I don’t want to hear any more about it!” I was speechless for a moment, not fully comprehending that I had been dismissed. Then I caught my breath. Would I back down? Would I fight? Or, would I negotiate? Giving the tension a moment to settle, I proceeded to explain to my husband that while he had every right to not want an air conditioner, he did not have the right to make a unilateral decision that affected us both equally. At the same time just because I had the right to want an air conditioner, did not mean I could override my husband’s wishes. In other words we were at a standoff. The only solution was to keep talking until we could come to a mutually agreeable solution. I am sure that you would like to know whether or not we got the air conditioner and who really won. But the real issue is not who wins but that relationships require no compromises, no giving in, no resentments in order to work.As much as is humanly possible, participants in relationships should work toward win-win solutions. Just as listening is a difficult skill to master, especially when you have so much to say, learning the art of negotiating a win-win or no-compromise solution with another person requires a lot of effort. But the pay off is a relationship filled with respect and cooperation. Reviewing last month’s column for a moment, we learned that if you really want someone to talk so that others will listen, you need to learn the art of listening first.

By listening you can begin to understand the other person’s world or “map of reality.” Comprehending another’s map is vital to developing your communication strategy. The basics of good listening are to get your own ego out of the way so that you don’t require the other person to think and talk as you do. Next, listen to what the other individual is trying to tell you instead of their words. Remember that all human behavior is meaningful, but the meaning may be disguised. For example, when I found my two year old carrying a loaf of bread around the house, I inferred that she was hungry. Further I inferred that my babysitter had neglected to feed her (which to my horror proved to be true). Another part of listening is to be truly interested in the other person. If you are genuine, the other individual feels appreciated and tries that much harder to send you clear signals that require less translating. Even if you don’t agree on something, the fact that you are making an extra effort to understand the other’s reality, will move you both toward a win-win solution. Letting go of the notion that good relationships are based on compromise is tough. Most of us have been taught that compromise is essential because both people can’t be right. But try to look at this another way. There really are many right solutions to a problem. We tend to think our solution is the only right one because it fits our reality best. But often in the listening process, we discover other solutions that work as well or better than our original one.When you are “bent” on having your way, you may get it, but at the expense of a healthy relationship with your wife, or coworker, or child or employee. Just because someone gives in doesn’t mean they agree with you. Acquiescence often leads the person to become sneaky to get their way, or to be passive aggressive and dig in their heels on other issues. Another important benefit of taking the extra time to go for a win-win solution is that you encourage free thinking in those around you. If you are a powerful person or extremely charismatic, you may be able to garner obedience from others. However, you will then deny yourself the opportunity to benefit from the creativity of other free thinking individuals. Even if you believe this philosophy of relationships, it is an extremely difficult process to accomplish. It does require that you are willing to devote time.You can’t give up in a huff or sacrifice your position because you are beaten down. You may be tempted to resort to intimidation for the sake of expediency, but you will risk rapport.

Therefore, my suggestion is to enter the negotiation with the goal of a win-win solution. If at the end of the time you have there is no solution on the horizon, table the discussion until you sleep on it. Often given enough time, and perhaps the advice of others, a new heretofore unthought of option will appear. Members of family firms often fall victim to the compromise trap. Because we want to keep relations on a positive note with our family members/coworkers, we acquiesce or intimidate our way to expedient solutions. Unfortunately, creativity, independence and loyalty are sacrificed. The willingness to risk a little annoyance or confusion by resisting settling for a compromise may mean a much more creative solution in the long run. In one family firm a daughter was the catalyst for the win-win solution. Her husband had worked with her father in the father’s business for about 15 years. The father’s son was being groomed to take over the business even though the son-in-law was far more capable. The son-in-law became disgruntled by the plan but was afraid to disrupt family equilibrium. Naturally the daughter felt caught in the middle. Eventually the son-in-law decided to move out of the business into another job in a related industry. This allowed him to grow professionally and yet not offend his father-in-law. But the problem remained that the son was not really capable of stepping into his father’s shoes. After the family wrestled with the problem for awhile, the daughter stepped in and offered to run the business for her father. The son was actually relieved by his sister’s offer because he felt an obligation to take over Dad’s business when he really had other interests. The daughter had not even been considered as a successor before, but she proved to be quite capable. With a little getting used to the family expanded their consciousness to include a new possibility which allowed the family business to grow and the family to carry on. Getting back to that air conditioner, my husband and I struggled with the problem for an hour or so. He had to admit that I was right about the decision requiring consensus. Keeping his mind open to the possibility of an air conditioner he could live with and keeping my mind open to the possibility that I could live without one, we arrived at a win-win solution. Since the air conditioners were on sale they cost about half what he had imagined. I agreed, in order to keep the costs down, that we needn’t run the appliance anymore than was necessary. So we did buy an air conditioner afterall, with no resentments on either side.

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