Author: Kathy Marshack

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Ashamed?

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Ashamed?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Ashamed?

Tuesday, January 21st at 10:00 am Pacific Time

Feelings of shame are more complicated than feeling aggravated (the topic for the first January video conferences). Aggravation is honest anger with someone who keeps getting in your way. Shame on the other hand is a kind of codependence where you mistakenly take on responsibility for your “Aspie’s” misconduct.

For example, if your “Aspie” cannot remember your neighbor’s name, no matter how many times you remind him/her, is that really your fault? And is it your responsibility to help your neighbor understand why your “Aspie” is clueless? Not really.

So why do we feel ashamed? It’s because we see ourselves in relationship to others. It is the relationship that is vital to our happiness and self esteem. When our “Aspie” disrupts this happiness with their thoughtless or clueless behavior, we innately worry that the relationships will be harmed. Even the ones with our neighbors. And we take responsibility for this harm — because somebody has to.

In this video conference let’s talk about how to stop the shame dead in it’s tracks, and walk away from codependency.

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

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Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Itchy: Reasons for ADHD or ASD Meltdowns

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a very real neurological disorder. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 3% to 5% of children have ADHD, while other experts believe it could be more. Along with ADHD, people may experience anxiety disorders, learning disabilities, sleep disorders or depression.

Kathy Marshack Autism Researchers have discovered that ADHD is, in part, caused by the brain’s inability to release enough neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the chemicals that enable us to be attentive and in control. I’ve written a comprehensive blog post about ADHD that you can read here, to learn and understand more about it.

Along with attention-deficit and hyperactivity, a common trait is hypersensitivity. Bright lights, loud noise and scratchy clothes are a thousand times worse for a person suffering from ADHD than for us. They can’t just ignore it and move on, like we can.

ADDITUDE Magazine published an interesting article with people suffering from ADHD telling about their sensitivities:

  • Tactile Sensitivities: clothing tags, jewellery, etc.
  • Auditory Sensitivities: ticking clocks, dripping taps, cutlery scraping the plate, etc.
  • Olfactory Sensitivities: perfume, hairspray, diesel fumes, petrol fumes, body odor, etc.
  • Visual Sensitivities: flickering lights, halogen lights on emergency vehicles, leg wiggling, etc.
  • Claustrophobic Sensitivities: crowded places, elevators, supermarkets, etc.

If these hypersensitivities are interfering with the ability to function in daily life, people suffering from ADHD should consider cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I wrote about the different types of therapy in this blog post.

Can a child have both ADHD and ASD? Yes, and a delayed diagnosis of autism delays vital treatment. ASD and ADHD are different neurological disorders, however they do have some symptoms in common. Which similar symptoms do “Autism” and ADHD have?

  • Hyperactivity
  • Impulsivity
  • Inattentive
  • Social awkwardness
  • Difficulty in interactions with others

Do you suspect a family member of having ADHD and/or “Asperger Syndrome”? The cycle of frustration and failure can be broken with proper treatment. Please, I urge you to seek help immediately. Knowledge is power, so learn all you can about ADHD and/or ASD. The more you understand, the more supportive you can be. 

If you are a friend, partner or family of an adult on the spectrum, please join our private community, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD, to learn more, but also to talk and to get support from people with similar life challenges as yours.

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TELECONFERENCE: Will Girls Scouts (or Boy Scouts) help our children in Neuro-diverse families?

TELECONFERENCE: Will Girls Scouts (or Boy Scouts) help our children in Neuro-diverse families?

This Teleconference is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: TELECONFERENCE: Will Girls Scouts (or Boy Scouts) help our children in Neuro-diverse families?

Thursday, January 16th at 1:30 pm Pacific Time

Half of America’s women leaders — in any field — were Girl Scouts, according to Sylvia Acevedo, CEO of the Girl Scouts of America. I was startled to hear this fact on a radio interview this morning, with Ms. Acevedo. And it got me to thinking about a question that comes up frequently among our members. That is, they worry about how their children will survive being reared by an “Asperger” parent who lacks empathy.

With Mind Blindness ASD parents frequently make a number of parenting errors that affect our children’s self-esteem and their ability to advocate for themselves later in life. So the fact that Girl Scouts seems to address this issue caught my attention. Could the Girl Scouts (and Boy Scouts) give us a model to help our children in neuro-diverse families? Could these principles help the adults too?

I was a Girl Scout. Were you? I loved it. Could it be that Girl Scouts helped little Kathy make it into college and graduate school, and to eventually found our community for others who live with an adult on the Autism Spectrum?

Of course it is never this simple. There are many factors that lead to why some kids make it and others don’t. At the Teleconference this month, I hope you have other ideas of how to help your children respond to the challenges of having a parent on the Autism Spectrum. Some helicopter parenting is in order, but the bulk of growing up into a healthy adult is up to the child. The goal is to encourage them to find skills to take on the challenges of a neuro-diverse family — and never give up on yourself!

Please come to this teleconference to learn more about this confounding difference. Learn to stop accepting the booby prize in your relationship.

This teleconference is reserved for members of “ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum.” Please come prepared to protect your privacy and those on the call. I will send you reminders by email, so it is important to set your email to accept my emails. Otherwise you will miss this important call. Thank you.

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

Tuesday, January 14th at 2:00 pm Pacific Time

Are you aggravated far more than you like to be? Does it feel unfair? I mean, after all, your “Aspies” have meltdowns that are full of anger and rage, whether they are simmering in silence, or out-loud yelling at you. Yet if you dare to express even the slightest aggravation about something unbelievable that they are doing, you are accused of “coming unglued.” If this is true for you, you need this video conference to manage the aggravation.

Tell me if you have had similar experiences to those below.

  1. You and your “Aspie” visit the neighbors, but he fails to see that they have a custom of taking off their shoes at the front door. Instead he wipes his shoes on the little cotton rug inside the door, crumpling the rug in the process. Then he walks in, all smiles, and greets his neighbor by the wrong name. Grrr!
  2. To save time, you ask your “Aspie” to run into Walgreens and buy one thing, while you herd the children into the grocery store, where you intend to buy several items. You agree to meet back at the car. Back at the car, he is no-where to be found — until you see him wandering around the parking lot in search of the car — because he can never remember where you parked. Grrr!
  3. Your “Aspie” brings her laptop to your child’s soccer game, because the project is so important it just can’t wait. Then she takes a phone call mid game — and doesn’t excuse herself to make the call — but instead talks loudly on the phone for 20 minutes — disrupting the game and the other families. Grrr!
  4. Everyone tells you how amazingly wonderful your “Aspie” is because he/she is charming and witty — even though your “Aspie” just let the door slam on you, while you were carrying cupcakes to the soccer awards banquet. Grrr!

Yikes! Even describing these moments makes me aggravated. However, I maintain that anger is a good thing. It is telling you that something important is out of alignment, and it’s time to fix it. Don’t fix them; that’s pointless. But helping to mediate your own anger over this stuff is so important to your mental health. Let’s use this video conference to talk about techniques to keep you going when you want to “strangle ‘em.”

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

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Shaming in “Aspie”/NT Relationships

Shame in “Aspie”/NT relationships is a sign of codependency where you mistakenly take on responsibility for your “Aspie’s” misconduct.

Kathy Marshack I’ve written before about “The Shame of Being Married to Someone with “Asperger”, where I’ve talked about the stigma of being labelled “Asperger” or “Autistic”, that “Aspies” may fear losing their standing in the community or their business relationships, so they don’t want anyone to know of the diagnosis, if indeed they consent to being diagnosed at all. 

This puts pressure on the Neuro-typical family members to hide what their lives are really like. In fact, Neuro-typicals are terrified to come out and talk about their lives. NT family members work so hard to please the person on the spectrum that they aren’t able to live their authentic selves. A blog with great resources on this topic is “How to Explain Asperger Syndrome to Others”.

However, in this blog, I want to address the “Aspie” blame and shame. I believe this topic needs to be addressed, to be talked about openly so we can start healing ourselves from all past wounds. This is the reason why I’ve decided to turn this subject into a video conference.

I define “Asperger Syndrome” as an empathy disorder and because of this lack of empathy, people on the spectrum are naturally blaming others for their troubles. It’s hard to take responsibility for a misunderstanding when you don’t have empathy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes or understand someone else’s point of view. As a result, people on the spectrum can become manipulative, narcissistic and engage in gaslighting, unless they develop a strong moral code. 

Neuro-typicals can also be blamed for overreacting to our “Aspies”. I know I used to be called on the carpet for not “controlling” my “Aspie” daughter’s public meltdowns. I was accused right on the spot of being a “bad” mother.

That’s where the shame comes in. If you are blamed long enough, and you have made a mistake or two in the relationship, you might take on responsibility for too much and feel shame. Shame is also a natural byproduct of living daily with a blaming spouse or partner or acting out “Aspie” child.

We take responsibility for the harm our “Aspies” are doing, whenever she/he is unintentionally rude to our neighbor or having a meltdown — because somebody has to. But we shouldn’t take responsibility or the blame for someone else’s actions.

I hope you will join our discussion in our private MeetUp group, “Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD.” Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it’s not enough to understand what’s happening to you. You need strategies to take back your life and to know how truly wonderful life can be!

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VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

This Video Conference is limited to twelve people, and is only for Members of the private membership group, ASPERGER SYNDROME & RELATIONSHIPS: Life with an Adult on the Autism Spectrum. Click here for membership details and to register for this call.

Topic: VIDEO CONFERENCE: Aggravated?

Thursday, January 9th at 4:00 pm Pacific Time

Are you aggravated far more than you like to be? Does it feel unfair? I mean, after all, your “Aspies” have meltdowns that are full of anger and rage, whether they are simmering in silence, or out-loud yelling at you. Yet if you dare to express even the slightest aggravation about something unbelievable that they are doing, you are accused of “coming unglued.” If this is true for you, you need this video conference to manage the aggravation.

Tell me if you have had similar experiences to those below.

  1. You and your “Aspie” visit the neighbors, but he fails to see that they have a custom of taking off their shoes at the front door. Instead he wipes his shoes on the little cotton rug inside the door, crumpling the rug in the process. Then he walks in, all smiles, and greets his neighbor by the wrong name. Grrr!
  2. To save time, you ask your “Aspie” to run into Walgreens and buy one thing, while you herd the children into the grocery store, where you intend to buy several items. You agree to meet back at the car. Back at the car, he is no-where to be found — until you see him wandering around the parking lot in search of the car — because he can never remember where you parked. Grrr!
  3. Your “Aspie” brings her laptop to your child’s soccer game, because the project is so important it just can’t wait. Then she takes a phone call mid game — and doesn’t excuse herself to make the call — but instead talks loudly on the phone for 20 minutes — disrupting the game and the other families. Grrr!
  4. Everyone tells you how amazingly wonderful your “Aspie” is because he/she is charming and witty — even though your “Aspie” just let the door slam on you, while you were carrying cupcakes to the soccer awards banquet. Grrr!

Yikes! Even describing these moments makes me aggravated. However, I maintain that anger is a good thing. It is telling you that something important is out of alignment, and it’s time to fix it. Don’t fix them; that’s pointless. But helping to mediate your own anger over this stuff is so important to your mental health. Let’s use this video conference to talk about techniques to keep you going when you want to “strangle ‘em.”

Make sure you have a private place to talk, without interruption.  I will send you reminders of this Zoom conference, but if you don’t have your email set to receive the reminders, you may not notice. I would hate to have you miss the call, so make sure you’re able to get my messages.

If you have a loved one on the Spectrum, please check our private MeetUp group. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack.
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