Author: Kathy Marshack

What is Language Deprivation?

Language Deprivation is a new concept to me. I learned about it from a deaf woman named Sondra, who has worked in the field of special education and counseling for many years of her career. She has taught ASL (American Sign Language) to many age groups, even elderly people who have been deaf all of their lives and never learned to sign. Plus she founded a summer camp for deaf children and their families to help bridge the gap between generations of hearing and deaf family members. Sondra is dedicated to the deaf community and especially to improving communication.

Language Deprivation Syndrome is the term used to describe some developmental problems that occur for the deaf when they aren’t exposed to the spoken word (or natural language) early in life. The critical period for language development is generally considered to be between birth and 3–5 years of age. Without this exposure to normal language deaf children can be impacted in many ways causing these problems (according to experts on deaf culture):

• Cognitive delays
• Mental health difficulties
• Lower quality of life
• Higher level of trauma
• Limited health literacy
• Difficulty developing a sense of self
• Disconnection with cultural roots and identity
• Difficulty forming connections and relationships
• Difficulty with planning and time management

There is an uncanny similarity to language development in children with autism. The NeuroDiverse can hear, but their autism may prevent them from processing the meaning of what they hear. Because of Alexithymia which leads to Mind Blindness and Context Blindness, those with Autism develop Empathy Dysfunction (EmD). As a result the NeuroDiverse develop a type of Language Deprivation Syndrome too.

My new friend Sondra advocates for teaching deaf children ASL as soon as possible to mitigate Language Deprivation Syndrome. At least sign language promotes language acquisition and interpersonal communication. However, as I have often written interpersonal communication is more than words. Sondra’s life experiences are a case in point.

Empathy is More Than Words.

Although Sondra is deaf, she has a cochlear implant that allows her to hear spoken word. She still has to read lips and to sign to complete the communication, but she doesn’t have as much of a disadvantage as those without cochlear implants. When we first met I was utterly amazed at her and kindness and compassion — and yet I could see her limitations too.

For example, the first time we met I had invited a few friends to my house to play dominoes. Sondra was a houseguest of another person. When asked if my friend could bring her to the party, I said, “Of course. The more the merrier!”

I quickly learned that I needed to speak face-to-face with Sondra. She encouraged me to do so. She informed me that even though she could hear me speak, she still needed to read my lips to some extent. This was one of my first lessons that cochlear implants don’t convey all of the information that a deaf person needs to recognize language.

As we were wrapping up our third round of dominoes, Sondra asked “What’s that sound? What’s that buzzing sound in the background?” She screwed up her face in an expression of displeasure at the disruptive sound. Immediately I realized that her cochlear implants could not help her brain recognize that the unpleasant sound was music that I had playing softly in the background. Earlier in the day, as I prepped food for the party, I had been dancing to my music before the guests arrived. But as they arrived, I turned the music down a bit to encourage conversation, as a hearing person might do. Unfortunately for my deaf guest, she could not recognize nor appreciate the music. In fact she reported to me that she thought I had left the TV on, so she didn’t even recognize the sound as music.

Sondra tells me that when she was a child she was ridiculed and chastised by her family when she tried to sing at church. She was told she sang “off key.” This is not surprising considering she was deaf from the age of about five. But how heartbreaking to tell a child she can’t sing at church, when singing brings so much joy to a human being.

However, singing “off key” is not the only dilemma Sondra faces. Sondra admitted to me that she doesn’t even know what it means to sing “off key.” If you have normal hearing you don’t have to be a professional musician to know when a voice is true and melodic as opposed to “off key.” But if you are deaf you may never have heard or thought about the harmonics such as overtones and undertones that contribute to the sound of the music (either vocal or instrumental). If you can’t hear those harmonics you may sing “off key” with no awareness of what others are noticing or appreciating in the music.

Think about the social disadvantages for deaf people when they cannot resonate with dinner music, or enjoy the community of singing with others at church. But beyond music, think about the myriad other ways we communicate that do not require face to face interaction. For example, If you have normal hearing, you listen for the breath as the speaker pauses. In another example, the speaker may tilt their head away from the group ever so slightly, say a word quietly for emphasis and then turn back to finish their sentence. What if your listener cannot hear the breath or the see the lips move for the word spoken quietly?

I have noticed that Sondra looks at me intently as I speak, reading my lips. While I can give her the time to comprehend what I am saying, I can also get frustrated when she doesn’t “listen” to me. For example, I often have to correct her assumptions about what I just said. I feel badly when I have to interrupt her because she has misunderstood me and is going down a “blind alley” with our conversation.

In fact, we seem to do better with texting. Visual emojis and memes are easier to interpret than the subtle nuances of normal vocal communication. Still, as intellectually satisfying as our conversations can be, there is something subtle that is missing. It is the empathic flow that you feel when you are in sync with another person. Sondra is brilliant, kind and compassionate. She is dedicated to improving the lives of others. I have come to appreciate her expertise in the deaf community. But I also recognize that she misses a tiny little part of me — the part that freely uses my authentic voice without reservation.

The deaf world of the NeuroDiverse.

Like the deaf, NeuroDiverse individuals have a type of language deprivation that profoundly affects their development and their interpersonal relationships. Even though they hear the words being spoken, the autistic brain doesn’t always interpret the meaning correctly. As you can imagine, over a lifetime of mis-processing language, Autists have created a whole host of misunderstandings.

One day when I was trying to cut through a misunderstanding with Sondra, she complained, “It would be a lot easier if you would just say what you mean!” Wow! I have heard that complaint before from many a NeuroDiverse person. Nevertheless I self-corrected and got to the bottom line to make it easier for her to understand me.

The next words from Sondra were even more mind-blowing. She said, “We in the deaf community have a way of describing you people in the hearing world.” I was curious so I asked her to tell me what that was.

Sondra said, “You hearing folks beat around the bush. Why don’t you just get to the point without all of the extra words?”

I have heard this complaint from Autists time and time again. In fact, my ASD daughter Bianca once asked me “Mom, why don’t people say what they mean?” Often those on the Autism Spectrum tell me that they get lost in the “Fluff”, or the “Confetti” or the “back story” of their NT loved ones because they do not recognize the flow of empathic conversation.

Since Sondra had cast me into the pot with all of the other confusing hearing folks she has met, it didn’t surprise me when she could not understand the basis of the Empathy Triad, and instead asked me to be “direct” and stop beating around the bush. I didn’t get far explaining empathy to her, though I made a valiant effort.

I explained that all of those “extra words,” all of the “fluff” is an offer to join the NT speaker in their vision of reality. The words are painting a picture for the other person of who the speaker is. Yes the topic of conversation is important too, but the speaker needs to be affirmed as valuable enough to share a moment of time.

Furthermore the Empathy Triad Sensitive speaker is casting out words and gestures to connect with the other person too. They aren’t just talking about themselves, but seeking to connect with the other person in ways that affirm the listener too.

In other words the Empathy Triad includes Empathy, Context and Conversation. However, the concept of the Empathy Triad is foreign to Sondra just as it is to the NeuroDiverse. Both want the NT/hearing speaker to get to the point, without embellishment — and to get to a point that the deaf and NeuroDiverse person can relate to. If not, the conversation is over.

Seeing and Hearing are necessary for the Empathy Triad.

Sondra tells me that she moves “seamlessly” between the hearing world and the deaf world, because of her cochlear implant. However dedicated and kind she is to the deaf clients she serves, and to their hearing families, she does not move “seamlessly.” She clearly misses the subtleties that the hearing/NT world relies upon to communicate and to connect. Through no fault of her own, she has never learned that not all background noise is unnecessary static.

Sondra is fluent in ASL (American Sign Language) and she is a good lip-reader too. Her hearing is limited by the mechanics of a cochlear implant and how much her brain can interpret those sounds. Of these three tools that Sondra uses to “listen,” the visual tools are the most important to her.

For example, Sondra cannot understand more than one speaker at a time, if she cannot see their faces and read their lips. As we learned earlier, she could not distinguish between back ground music and the static of TV turned low. She also mistakes a wry look as sarcastic because she is not able to hear a tonal change indicating that the speaker is telling an amusing anecdote.

So how is this similar to the NeuroDiverse? ASL and lip reading are visual forms of communication. Autists rely on visual language too. As Temple Grandin is fond of saying, she thinks in pictures. While the visual is a rich medium for all human beings, it can’t make up for the emotional power of sound. For the hearing and the NeuroTypical both are vital to our most precious relationships.

How many times have I heard from my NT clients and readers that they wish their ASD loved ones would “listen” to them? For NTs what it means to “listen” is to actually “get” the person who is speaking. They want to be known, understood, accepted, appreciated for more than their words. How the NT speaks, both through verbal and nonverbal auditory cues conveys who they are. When the deaf or the NeuroDiverse fail to acknowledge these cues, it can spell disaster for the relationship.

Work arounds for NeuroDivergent relationships.

Seeing and hearing are necessary for the Empathy Triad to be complete. But all need not be lost if we can learn to be compassionate with each other. I developed the 7-Step Interface Protocol to help mitigate the problems of Empathy Dysfunction that we see with the NeuroDiverse. And I don’t see why it can’t also be used to communicate with the deaf, who may have a similar Empathy Dysfunction.

I explain the 7-Step Interface Protocol in my book, “Empathy is More Than Words – Groundbreaking tools for NeuroDivergent Relationships” (2022). Let me briefly summarize the steps for you here:

1. Resilience – develop your ability to bounce back from confounding conversations.
2. Accept the diagnosis – whether it is deafness or NeuroDiversity, these are disabilities and should be accounted for.
3. Empathy Triad – use the Empathy Triad to create connection, but if you can’t, follow the next few steps.
4. Be brave – it takes courage to hang in their when the conversation goes sideways. Don’t give up.
5. Take Breaks – as the pressure mounts, tempers can flare. Take a break from the action rather than hurt each other.
6. Work Arounds – use alternative methods of communication to work around the Empathy Dysfunction of the deaf and NeuroDiverse.
7. Apologize – when conflict arises, forgiveness goes a long way. Apologize, or take responsibility for your part in the mix-up.

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” ~ Lalah Delia, author and wellness educator

Radiant Empathy Angels know who they are.

Many of us have the ability to empathize but it is rare to become a Radiant Empathy Angel. It takes courage and a lifetime of experience to have the wisdom to know what to do with empathic awareness.

Some might even call these Angels fearless, and it is certainly one of their attributes. But foolishly rushing in to help, or melting in despair with overwhelming sensitivity is not Radiant Empathy. To become a Radiant Empathy Angel means that you know what you know, and you know what to do, and you know when to do it, and you know that only you can do it, and you do it now!

I would add to that last sentence that you also must know who you are. Lalah Delia sums it up beautifully in the quote above, “She remembered who she was and the game changed.” In other words if you are an alpha and you know it, then you are halfway to becoming a Radiant Empathy Angel. In fact you may already be a Radiant Empathy Angel and just recognizing your alpha nature.

As you remember who you are, and allow your empathic alpha nature to emerge, you have become a Radiant Empathy Angel — and all around you will benefit.

What follows is my personal story of discovering my empathic alpha nature. I’d love to hear your story too.

What dogs know.

Yesterday I finally stepped up and protected my sweet dog Kokomo. As Kokomo pranced along, enjoying his evening neighborhood stroll, he came to an abrupt halt as he saw Oz walking toward us with his “person” Leslie. Kokomo fears Oz a large mixed breed dog (brindle with two different colored eyes) ever since Oz attacked him last year, tackling him to the ground and went in for a fierce bite on the neck!

On that day, I stopped Oz from doing any damage by grabbing him by the collar and dragging him off my dear sweet little English Cream Retriever. Kokomo lay on the ground shaking and helpless. I held Oz at bay (even though he was growling) until Leslie could run up and leash him. She apologized profusely, but ever since Kokomo and I are wary of Oz, who is frequently off leash.

This time, I saw that Oz was on his leash so I was more ready to play it safe and to walk on past without a look or a greeting to Leslie or her dog. Nevertheless, Oz began aggressively barking and lunging toward us. Leslie was pitiful. She held him tightly but kept saying things like, “Now Ozzie that’s not nice. Stop it.” These words are hardly sufficient for an aggressive dog hell-bent on killing you.

Kokomo froze in place but I was able to urge him on anyway — haltingly. Suddenly I got an inspiration. I stopped and turned back to confront Leslie and Oz (safely about 8 feet away). I looked past Leslie, who was still uttering pitiful commands to her dog while he continued barking and lunging. I looked directly at Oz, right in his eyes, raised my hand, pointed at him and said loudly and firmly “NO! NO!” As I lowered my hand slowly, Oz sat down next to his mistress and was silent. Then I turned to walk away. Kokomo came without a bit of hesitation and returned to his happy prance and swish of his beautiful “feathered” tail.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn what dogs know. Both Kokomo and Oz recognize that I am an Alpha woman, but they have different reactions to me. Kokomo easily accepts that I am the boss and I am the envy of many dog owners. But I never thought it was me. I thought I just acquired an easy going doggy. Now I know it’s me.

Oz on the other hand is intimidated by me. He knows that Leslie is weak and can’t protect him. He is so fearful that he gets aggressive and looks terrifying with those big teeth snarling at me. And even though he attacked Kokomo in the past, he was letting me know how he felt about me too. When I stared him down and issued a stern command he instantly complied, much to Leslie’s astonishment.

I am no Cinderella.

I get it that dog trainers will tell you never grab an aggressive dog by the collar, or turn and face the dog, or look them in the eye and yell a command. I agree 100% — unless you are an Alpha like me. If you are not an Alpha, the dog will make meat out of your hand or your face. But in my experience, if you are an Alpha your best solution is to turn and face the attacking dog. Honestly this has been my experience over and over again.

I am no Cinderella who sings to the birds and mice while they come over to sit in her hand. As much as I love wildlife and live in a beautiful, forested home overlooking the Pacific ocean, all animals I have ever encountered defer to me. From the tiny mouse who stood quivering in the bedroom until I dropped a glass bowl over him, and I slid a cookie sheet underneath to entrap him, and carried him to the garden — to the Grizzly Mama Bear and cub I encountered while hiking a trail with my daughter Phoebe in Glacier park. I turned to face the Grizzly’s while telling my daughter to silently move behind a boulder. I did not look Mama Bear in the eye (I knew better), but I stood steadfast on the trail, legs astride and arms at my side (except for the slow motion moment I decided to take a photo to show non-believers!!!). Both Phoebe and I were silent as we watched the bears stop, look from side to side as they examined their options — and made the decision to leave the trail to me.

Not only have I stopped aggressive dogs instantly with firm words but I have also inspired more timid dogs to defer. My assistant Emily brought her darling Golden Retriever puppy to work with her for several weeks when she first adopted the dog. Much to Emily’s chagrin, the puppy was eager to greet me each time I emerged from my private office. That might not have been a problem except that the wiggly puppy greeting involved peeing on the carpet right in front of me!

Emily complained that the puppy never peed in front of anyone but me. In fact Emily was so bold as to ask me not to leave my office on the days she brought the dog. Of course that would never work since it was my psychologist’s office. But one day as she complained loudly about the fact that she couldn’t seem to control the dog from peeing when I was around, a client waiting for me mentioned that she knew what was going on. As a dog trainer herself, she explained to us that the dog behavior is known as “submissive peeing.” Yes once again, I proved to be an Alpha woman.

Using my alpha strengths with humans.

I have plenty of Alpha encounters with people too, both favorable and unfavorable. I remember getting my first professional job at age 25, having just completed my Masters in Social Work degree. As I got to know the other staff, learned my way around the job, took on a full caseload of clients in an office of the State of Oregon’s Children’s Service Division, I started asking more questions about “the system.” I was young and naïve then and had no idea that government social service and mental health agencies are not every efficient — nor kind. My boss didn’t mind the questions, but she did wonder why I was not doing more to change the system (or as Lalah Delia suggests change the game). I was stumped that she thought I had the wherewithal to do that, but now I know she was recognizing my Alpha leanings.

On the darker side of my Alpha experiences, I encountered a judge who was so terrified of me, that she filed a complaint against me with my licensing board. The complaint was not about my professional behavior, but that I dared to disagree with her determination to bring my children into the courtroom to testify against their parents (during my hostile divorce). I would never put my children through such an experience but apparently the judge (and a woman) thought this made perfect sense.

I have written about the time I discovered a secret memo written by the Chief City Prosecutor (Josephine Townsend) in which she maligned my character and made several false statements about me. I had no idea I had made this woman so angry with me that she tried to destroy my career, my family and my life. The memo floated through City Hall for five years before I discovered it and sued for libel. Gosh that was a huge life lesson for this empathic Alpha woman.

Mostly though my experiences as an Alpha have turned out well. Because I am empathic and have courage and now have tons of life and professional experience, I find great joy in helping others through their dilemmas and sorrows. It makes a difference to my clients to have a Radiant Empathy Angel as a guide.

Empathy is the defining element.

I was curious what I would find on this topic when I “Googled” the term empathic alpha woman. Here’s what I got from Google’s new Artificial Intelligence system:

An alpha female is a powerful, confident, and self-assured woman who is often in a leadership role and is frequently seen as strong and independent. She is bold, not afraid to take charge, and is known for her leadership qualities, such as assertiveness and confrontation. Alpha females are also said to be ambitious, self-driven, and likable, and people often seek their help and advice.

Ai skipped the empathic part though. Empathy often slips under the radar as if empathy and strength or leadership do not go together. But I am willing to bet that it is empathy that is actually the defining element for Radiant Empathy Angels.

• It was my empathy that made me stop and confront Oz because in a flash of insight I understood he was afraid and needed me to be strong.
• It was my empathy that stopped the mouse so that I could rescue the tiny creature and put him outside.
• It was my empathy that protected my daughter when the Human Mama and the Grizzly Mama connected on the mountain trail.
• It was my empathy that quietly called to Emily’s puppy and enabled her to show her deference in the only way a little doggy could do.
• It was my empathy that led my boss to believe I had the ability to change the game.
• It was my empathy that led to the judge’s and the city prosecutor’s bad behavior, (because they were intimidated like Oz) and they could have chosen to be better people, but they both lost these encounters because I am also tenacious.

Empathy is the defining element for Radiant Empathy Angels. Not all of us can be alphas, nor empathic Alphas but we can all do better to practice empathy as best we can. Even if you are not a Radiant Empathy Angel, you can do your best to support those who are. They can’t do it alone. A courageous leader needs a team.

If you are an Alpha woman and you have strong empathy skills you will be drawn into the world of leadership as Ai describes. You can become a powerful, confident, self-assured Alpha woman, but most importantly it takes waking up to who you are — remembering who you really are — in order to take on the challenges of being a Radiant Empathy Angel.

How to Shine Like a Hero

I am no longer afraid to claim the title of hero because now I know it is true, but I also know that it doesn’t make me any less fallible or imperfect than anyone else. Heroes are just people who happen to be in the right moment, and with the right talents to step up to the challenge. Plus there are a lot of other players and circumstances to create the hero. We sure don’t do it all by ourselves.

I won’t go into all of the details here that led to being a hero. You can learn more about me through my books, newsletters, podcasts and online courses. But suffice it to say that every week I hear from my readers and students and clients about how much they appreciate my contributions to their lives.

I use plenty of personal examples to demonstrate the journey of this hero to the present day too. Such as the trauma of neighborhood lawsuits and a hostile divorce — facing false arrests and being physically assaulted and stalked — defending my profession, my property and my family — losing $550,000 in legal fees even though I won most every legal battle — and most traumatic of all losing my daughters to parental alienation.

I wouldn’t have become a hero though, if I didn’t step up to the challenges of these horrifying experiences. I do mean challenges. If you act like a victim and cave each time things get tough, you will never be a hero in your own life. I had to embrace each incredible loss — even the loss of my daughters Bianca and Phoebe — and ask myself what is the spiritual message.

I started to turn myself around when I met Mother Mary in the Clark County jail. I had been arrested for assault, trespass, lying to the police and whatever else the Vancouver police could throw at me. None of it was true of course, but I was divorcing an angry divorce attorney and he had powerful and unethical allies at Vancouver City Hall. I had to learn fast how to protect myself. It wasn’t going to work to cry, or complain, or even explain the truth of the matter. First I had to accept that all was happening for a reason.

That’s where Mother Mary comes in. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a pamphlet protruding from a corner of the metal desk in my jail cell during that first arrest. The pamphlet, left by Catholic Charities, and meant to comfort women in jail, told the story of Mother Mary’s painful journey to accept her son’s divinity and his fate. But in that acceptance Mary also became a hero and still is to many throughout the world.

Mother Mary’s excruciating and painful story has been an inspiration to me for the rest of my life.

The consciousness of Lady Liberty.

Years before my fateful arrest, I had the opportunity to visit the museum atop one of New York’s Twin Towers — in fact just the year before they collapsed on 9/11. I discovered the story behind the dedication to the Statue of Liberty. I was so impressed by the sonnet written by Emma Lazarus (1883) for the dedication of the statue, that I have it hanging on a wall in my office and I have memorized the lines.

Most Americans know some of these lines, but I will repeat them here because they reflect another part of my hero’s journey.

THE NEW COLLOSUS
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
~ EMMA LAZARUS 1883

Please note that Emma Lazarus was a Jewish/American woman who did not have the right to vote at the time she wrote the sonnet. Plus she would not have been allowed to attend the dedication of the Statue of Liberty without being accompanied by a man. Yet her words are known world-wide and stand for the promise of America —the consciousness that guides the United States of America is not a conquering hero but a mighty woman with a torch lighting the way for those desiring to be free.

A mighty woman with a torch.

Since President Biden passed the torch to Vice President Kamala Harris to head up the Democratic ticket for the US Presidency (July 21, 2024), I have been flooded with emotion. There is a meme going around showing Harris, a brown skinned daughter of immigrants, wearing a green dress, standing strong and proud in front of Lady Liberty — and holding a torch to light the way for all of us.

[I couldn’t tell you more about how to shine like a hero, if I didn’t disclose this bias on my part. I am a feminist, a Democrat, and whole heartedly support Kamala Harris for President of the United States.]

Harris’s candidacy says a lot for America, for our citizens, for women and children, and for the world, but in this short podcast I want to tell you about my daughters. Because when I first saw Vice President Harris’ happy face as she announced that she would “run and earn” the nomination of her party, my first thoughts were of my daughters, Bianca and Phoebe.

My daughters are examples of the incredible diversity of humanity that Harris is ready to lead. They are,

• Adopted individually
• Have American born white birth mothers
• Daughters of illegal immigrant fathers from Mexico
• Bianca has a great grandfather who grew up on a Native American reservation
• Adoptive mother is white and Christian
• Adoptive father is Jewish
• Both daughters have developmental disorders (Autism and ADHD)
• Both experienced the trauma of their parent’s divorce
• Both are victims of parental alienation

So yes, I wept with this announcement of Harris’ candidacy because I realized that my daughters finally have a chance to be represented by a woman who not only looks like them, but represents the diversity of America, just as do my daughters.

Yearning to breathe free.

Lastly, my tears are also for the hope that my daughters can see this election as an opportunity to “breathe free,” or release themselves from their traumatic childhood. Of course I hope that they will recognize that their mother is a hero too and has been holding a place for them in her loving heart, when they are ready to return. But also as women in their thirties now, I hope they can use their life experiences to embark on their own hero’s journeys. Breathe free my dear daughters. Let go of your fears. Follow the beacon hand and know that you are finally welcome here.

Does trying to “fix” your NeuroDiverse loved one make you a hypocrite?

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~ Pema Chodron

You may be surprised to find that you are a hypocrite.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, hypocritical means to act in contradiction to one’s stated beliefs or feelings. Therefore, being a person who acts in contradiction to their beliefs or feelings is a hypocrite.

This simple definition didn’t clear the mystery up for me at first, but it is a place to start. I had just been told by two different people that I was being hypocritical. I thought they misspoke and really meant to say, “hypercritical.” I knew I had long had the habit of noticing and commenting on the flaws of others and myself. This hypercritical nature of mine came from some deep insecurities of course. The need to be perfect in order to prevent problems — in order to protect oneself (which is a symptom of PTSD), results in picking on every tiny mistake that you notice. Mostly I would pick on myself, but I have been known to correct others too.

On the other hand I never thought of myself as hypocritical. If anything, I am known for being authentic and standing up for my beliefs — even when others may oppose me. It seems to me that it is hypocritical to claim to care deeply about something and then do nothing about it. So I stand up, speak out and talk back on my most fervently held beliefs.

In fact I have often written that being empathic can be just as dysfunctional as those who lack empathy, such as the NeuroDiverse. If a person is highly empathic and has the skills to get to the heart of problems — yet holds back for lack of courage, I would consider that dysfunctional. But is it hypocritical behavior?

There is a fine line between hypocrisy and helping.

Because I trust the two individuals who told me I was hypocritical, I listened. I knew they were trying to help me, and I believe in their strong empathic abilities. As they told me what they had observed in me, I had a flood of memories that redefined for me my hypocritical moments. As Pema Chodron writes, I felt like I had been thrown out of the nest again. This time though I was excited to free myself from my hypocrisy and become even more authentic Kathy.

If you are going to clear up your hypocritical behavior, you have to be able to identify it. With the help of my friends, I started to see that there is a fine line between hypocrisy and helping. I have a strong belief in the philosophy of allowing others to be true to themselves. This means that even if I am helping, it is still up to the other person to do their own work. It is important to respect the rights of others to figure out what is best for them and how to get there. They might want to do life differently than I would. Or they might hold a much different belief than mine. But what is important for me is to support their right to be just the way they are.

I have no trouble knowing this belief of mine. It’s a basic precept that I live by, especially as a mother, a friend, and a professional psychologist. However, this belief often collides with another one of my beliefs, to be authentically me at all times. How do I stand up for my cherished beliefs if I don’t speak up? How do I act on resolving the problems I see in the world, if I don’t act on what I know and see?

Pay attention now. Here’s the hypocrisy. If helping others means I have to leave them alone when they don’t agree with me, or even going to harm themselves, I am reluctant to let go. If I care for someone this is especially difficult. I am highly empathic. I have astute observations about people and the situation. In fact I am often proven right in the long run. So I occasionally step over that line and try to fix the person or the problem.

If you are a fixer, you may be a hypocrite too. When you step in to fix the problem and correct the person, you may leave the other person with the impression that they are inferior to you. Sure, you may have a good intentions (and you may be right), but you may not be moderating those good intentions with what is best for the other person. It is my belief that lasting change occurs only when each of us discovers the truth for ourselves, and takes appropriate (for them) action to change for the better.

So what is an empathic fixer to do?

My former husband, Howard, used to get frustrated with me for trying to correct and fix him. I would watch as he attempted a simple task and failed. Like hanging a picture, or making a pot of rice. Or when he couldn’t figure out what to wear or how to get the children to an event on time. So I got busy and helped. I made color coded charts to help him with his ASD executive functioning problems. I wrote reminders on post-it notes and stuck them on the bathroom mirror or the coffee pot. I even enlisted my office manager to help me help him. Soon the children were also guiding him.

Howard was so inept at the every-day things of life that I wore out helping him stay on track. One day, he got so exasperated with all of my fixing that he exclaimed, “I am not a chump!” This really took me by surprise but as I pondered what he said, I realized that I did indeed think he was a chump. I didn’t like that about myself. I wanted to give him the respect he deserved but he kept getting in my way.

Howard’s ineptness at almost all social obligations, including parenting was so tiring and often frightening that I frequently crossed the line and became a hypocrite. I defined what was right and wrong, and directed him to follow my life plan. I gave him lists to follow. I laid out his clothes for him, so that he wouldn’t show up at an important professional meeting wearing his lawn mowing jeans and white socks. I scheduled all appointments and activities for the children because he couldn’t be trusted to follow through. I even gave him instructions on personal hygiene since he thought it reasonable to forgo shaving and showering on the weekends.

Eventually I came to the proverbial fork in the road and decided to stop fixing Howard. I wasn’t fixing him anyway. Instead I was constantly sending him the message that he was not good enough. That negative message is contradictory to my truth, that all people are of value and have a place in the world — just as they are. In addition that negative message probably encouraged him to rebel and refuse to change at all.

I hear this phrase from many of my NeuroDiverse clients — “Why is she always trying to fix me?” Or “Why is it always my fault?” Like Howard’s comment “I am not a chump!” these other NeuroDiverse partners and family members are reacting to the underlying message that they are failing to please the NeuroTypical empathic spouse. No one likes to displease their loved ones. And no one likes to be told that their way of life is not enough.

Replace fixing with being the miracle.

There is no easy answer to leaving the fixing hypocrisy behind. Sadly, you may have to let go of those people who are inconvenient and get in your way. You may not have enough resources to take care of all of the things that are important to you, when your partner doesn’t share these values (like showering or being on time). Certainly you can lighten up and allow the small things to go, but what about paying the bills on time, or eating healthy food, or taking an interest in a child’s special talent? If your NeuroDiverse partner can’t keep up with you, you might have to let go.

Whether you choose to stay or leave the people that you used to fix, there is really only one solution. Be your authentic self at all times. If you offer a bit of advice make sure it was asked for. If your loved one can’t keep up with you (because your empathy helps you to think quickly and soar above to see the big picture), slow down and let them go at the pace they can. It’s OK to grieve the loss of a loved one who operates at your level, but pushing them to be like you will not work. They need to find their own way.

Surround yourself with competent and empathic people who can keep up with you and who offer you keen advice that helps you step it up to the next level. You have a beautiful opportunity to express your true self to others – freely and without demanding that they come along. You are a gift to the world, just as you are. Allowing your NeuroDiverse loved ones to express their true selves too might produce a miracle. Three miracles actually.

The first miracle is how free you will feel once you no longer engage in fixing. You will lose the fear that comes from needing others to do things a certain way. You will have extra energy to do the things you love and are good at. This is your contribution to others.

The second miracle is that you will discover how much more easily life comes together when you don’t direct the outcome. Of course you are great at organizing and problem solving and running things. You get ten times more accomplished than most people. But what if you let all of that go and allowed the world to serve you? Let your imagination run wild. Use your intuition to guide you. Trust that God has your back and all you have to do is lean into that universal truth. Life might work much more easily for you.
The third miracle? You could be surprised that there are changes in your NeuroDiverse loved ones over time. These are the changes they are capable of if you get out of their way. Let them discover for themselves what works and what doesn’t. By being true to your beliefs, especially the one that all of us are enough, and by demonstrating all of your personal gifts, you might just shine a light on the truth for them, your NeuroDiverse loved ones.

Don’t hand them the flashlight anymore. Just smile your Radiant Empathy Angel smile and dazzle them with your beautiful light. They will do the rest.

“Be not entangled in this world of days and nights; Thou hast another time and space as well.” ~ Muhammad Iqbal

What’s the goal of improving communication?

I am often asked how to make communication work better in NeuroDivergent relationships between a NeuroTypical and a NeuroDiverse partner. But asking how to do so? assumes that this is the goal and that it can be defined.

To improve communications between people makes sense, of course, but what would that look and sound like? In my books and online courses, I offer the 7-Step Interface Protocol as a method for improving communications, but even this is vague. Does improving communication mean to understand each other, or to give respectful listening, or to connect emotionally?

As one reader asked, “What is it that we – the NT wife and ND husband – are trying to do/accomplish with our communication? Using the [7-Step Interface] Protocol allows us a bridge between the two [operating] systems. So, we are talking vs. having the horrible [NeuroTypical and NeuroDiverse] systems clashes. But what is happening other than talking? I hope you can understand this question is coming for a place of being at a sincere loss for a purpose in attempting to bridge the systems.”

Her question is profound. She and her spouse have been faithfully taking my course, reading my books, and practicing the techniques I recommend. By her report they have improved but what’s the point? Have they gone from hostile roommates to polite roommates, blocked from going further?

Use the 7-Step Interface Protocol to eliminate your anger.

Another common question I hear is summarized by this reader: “Why can’t I let go of my anger toward my spouse? Why does it take me so long to accept my NeuroDivergent relationship and my partner’s very different operating system? Why can’t I get it through my head?!”

Anger is a normal human response when confronted by a confusing and even frightening situation or relationship. But if that anger has been mysteriously triggered for years and without resolution, it may take a lifetime to heal. It doesn’t have to take a lifetime, as the previous woman acknowledged. With the 7-Step Interface Protocol, at least you can demystify the NeuroDivergent chaos and develop ways to communicate respectfully and peacefully.

Allowing the anger to dissipate is required before any of us can move to another level of relating in these confounding NeuroDivergent relationships. It may be easier to let go of your anger with your partner, as you come to accept their different operating system. However, I suspect letting go of the anger you have for yourself is tougher.

Peel back the layers of disinformation and discontent.

Rather than be so tough on yourself, I suggest engaging in a process of peeling back the layers of disinformation and discontent you have acquired over the years of life in a NeuroDivergent relationship or family (perhaps many generations too). The reason it takes so long to “get it” is that there are many stages of personal, interpersonal, and spiritual enlightenment to go through.

Many teachers have taught us these principles but I suppose we are impatient to “get it” and “get there.” However, if you are willing to take your time, do the work, practicing effective communication techniques such as the 7-Step Interface Protocol (and others you favor), confronting your anger (and your fears), enlightenment — and love will come. Our teachers promise this because it is your birthright.

Lao Tzu said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.“

You may have heard this quote before. Lao Tzu reminds me that this journey of unraveling the mystery of our NeuroDivergent relationships is far more than the average communication problem. You are on an amazing journey that will strengthen you and enlighten you and take you places you never thought existed. How can you answer those questions of “What’s the point?” or “How do I let go of my anger?” without a journey of 1000 steps?

A few years ago, I had a dream that astounded me at the time I dreamt it, but on each retelling I peel back another layer. Each time I realize that I am part of something incredibly powerful — and I realize I am being guided even if my conscious mind doesn’t always know that I know what I know.

In this dream I was in San Francisco, on a beautiful summer evening, with my former husband Howard. We were bar hopping, chatting with friends, enjoying our last night together here on Earth. I had already said goodbye to my daughters, and friends. Now it was time to say goodbye to Howard.

As the evening waned, I told him I needed to go home and finish my packing. I had to leave in the morning. He didn’t want me to go. He asked, “Can’t you stay one more night? We could go to the mountains this evening and watch a meteor shower. It will be so beautiful.”

I thought about how much I loved Earth and would sorely miss those precious moments like a meteor shower. But I had to decline, “As much as I would love that, I have to leave early in the morning and there just isn’t time.” I gave Howard a long hug and turned to leave for my house.

Just as I arrived inside and started the last-minute packing, I got a cell call from Howard. “Could I go with you?” he pleaded. “The girls and I could all go with you.” He was persistent.

I was touched but I held firm. “That is so sweet of you Howard, but I can’t take you with me. My Rocketship is designed for only one person. In fact, if you want to leave Earth, you will need to find your own Rocketship. There are dozens of them all over the city. They all need intensive repairs so it will take you awhile to get it ready. I had to do the same thing. It took me years to make my Rocketship worthy of flight. And now I must go.

The next morning, I performed all of the last-minute safety checks, then climbed aboard my Rocketship and started the engine. I listened to the engine hum as it warmed up. I began thinking of all I was leaving behind, but I had worked hard for this moment and there was no delaying now. I pushed the throttle forward and my one-person ship lifted off. As I looked around the city in the early morning light, I saw so many things I would miss, especially my life with my family and friends. But I was also excited about the adventure I was beginning.

I noticed that I was lingering a bit too long. My Rocketship was not moving fast enough to break through the Earth’s atmosphere. So, I had to relinquish my sadness and my memories and pick up speed. I grabbed the throttle tightly and pushed it all the way forward. Just as I let. go of my reverie over my past life, I felt the jolt of my Rocketship as I shot past the atmosphere and into my future of star-studded Space.

Go Big to find hope.

Please don’t read too much into my dream. After all it was meant for me. You must follow your own dreams. As a psychologist what I know about dreams is that they are always about the dreamer and the messages are meant for that person, specifically.

However, if you follow the gist of my dream — and don’t take it literally — it is a message of hope. There is no intent to recommend separation or divorce or leaving your friends behind. In fact, in my dream I felt great love for Howard and my children. I wasn’t leaving the love behind at all. Instead, I was finally recognizing my true worth. In other words, my Rocketship dream is a metaphor for taking on my life fully. To use one of my favorite expressions, “Go Big!” if you are to find the answer to “What’s the point?”

As I said, this dream keeps revealing new lessons for me each time I tell it. This time I have an answer to my reader’s question of “What’s the point?”

Essentially she wants to know the deeper meaning of her life. I can’t tell her what that is, of course, since each of us has to find our own one-person Rocketship to make ready for our adventure into ourselves and our reason for being.

What I can tell you though, is to stop holding yourself back. Stop criticizing your attempts to understand and fix the relationship. Notice that this life is one you were gifted — not just to be there for others, but to be there for yourself too. Send love to those you care for, even if they aren’t ready for their own journey, but don’t let your love hold you back from yours.

Peel back another layer and then another until your Rocketship is polished, spit shined and ready to launch. Push the throttle forward and blast off to go where you have never gone before — to your own outer limits. That’s the point!

Memories of a dream long ago.

Every mother has a photo like this one — snapped on the fly at a water park – a little fuzzy – but bringing back the memories of childhood innocence – memories of a dream long ago — and the joy of a mother remembering.

August 10, 1997, is the date stamp on the photo. My daughters Phoebe (age 7) and Bianca (age 10) posing for a split second before they squeal with laughter and dash back to the water slides.

I remember this day very well. We were travelling to Glacier Park in Montana when our Winnebago broke down. We were in a small town still west of the park so services were slim. As Howard searched for a repair shop, I suggested to the girls that we find a donut shop. Bianca looked out the window of the motor home and noticed a police car near-by. She said, “Hey Mommy, let’s ask the police officers. They always know where the donut shops are!”

As I look at her sweet picture I am smiling as I remember her adorable conclusion (based no doubt on some television sitcom she watched). At the time I said, “I am sure they do know Bianca, but let’s not bother the police. I bet we can find a donut shop soon enough if we just walk around.”

We found something better than donuts – the water park. With snacks and drinks and water shoes, we made a picnic while we waited for Daddy to come back with a repaired camper. The girls and I splashed our way through the park multiple times. It was a glorious summer day in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. What could be a better memory than this?

Beautiful Chaos of Bianca’s Mind.

I have another mother’s memory from a few years later – this one is darker but just as precious.

Bianca sat on the window seat in my home office, drawing on a paper tablet. This was a common sight. Bianca loved to draw, so I let her be in her contemplation, while I sat in front of my computer composing a work document.

After a while I was curious though, so I took a peek at her drawing and noticed a bird wing drawn in the far upper right corner. I was always astonished at her ability. Even at age 14 her drawings were sophisticated, intricate and meaningful. I asked her, “How do you draw the whole bird Bianca? I mean, if you start with the wing on the corner of the page, do you already see the entire drawing before you complete it?”

Bianca didn’t look up from her drawing. She continued with her pencil and said, “Yes. It’s in my mind.” Drawing, drawing.

“I love it,” I said. “Can you draw anything you want to?” I asked. I was making an effort to have a conversation, to show my daughter that I admired her. I was excited by her talent.

This time she looked at me. “I can’t draw real things. Only stuff I make up,” she said. Then she returned to her drawing. Nothing more. Drawing, drawing.

When she finished her art work, Bianca explained that it was an assignment for school. At that time, she attended an online school for exceptional children. She asked me to scan her drawing and upload to her teacher. Fortunately, since I scanned the drawing I could save it. I asked Bianca, “May I make a copy for myself? It’s a beautiful picture and I would like to hang it on my bookcase near my computer.”

“Sure,” she said and shrugged her shoulders. Then she left my office to get a snack. My conversations with Bianca were always like that. She never extrapolated. If I didn’t ask a question, she didn’t go deeper. But we went deeper later.

A couple of days later she came into my home office again. I turned and smiled at her and said, “I just love this drawing Bianca. It is amazing.” I was filled with love and pride for my daughter and I wanted to share those feelings with her.

She said, “How do you like the bats flying out of my nose?” No emotion.

However, I had emotion. I was so startled by this comment that I turned quickly toward the drawing and exclaimed, “What?!” Then I swiveled back to Bianca and looked for an answer in her face, “What do you mean Bianca?”

I hadn’t noticed the meaning of her drawing before. I hadn’t seen the intricate weaving of the pictures. I hadn’t gone deeply into the drawing to see the mind and heart of my dear daughter.

Without skipping a beat, Bianca answered my question. “The assignment was to draw a self-portrait, Mom.”

Now as I looked at her drawing, I noticed and my heart leaped into my throat. I saw the snakes come out of her nose, and the bird screeching in her ear. I saw animals howling inside her head. I saw a jungle filled with plants and animals and symbols of the beautiful chaos she lived with. Still does live with as an autistic woman.

I wanted to hug her, to console her, but also to praise her for her insight and courage. In fact, over the years this drawing has meant much to many people who have seen it in my book, “Life with a Partner or Spouse with ‘Asperger Syndrome’ (ASD): GOING OVER THE EDGE?” One reader told me that he used the drawing as a screensaver on his computer, in order to be reminded of what his ASD wife lives with every day.

Memories and Drawings are All That is Left.

Bianca is 37 now. Phoebe is 34. Many birthdays have been celebrated since those early years when I was a young mother joyfully splashing with my children at the water park or proudly taping a child’s drawing to my bookcase. I haven’t seen Bianca in 18 years. For Phoebe it has been 11 years. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that my dear daughters would find our relationships so difficult that they would soothe their pain by cutting me out.

I loved them both so much and still do. But the love is convoluted these days. I don’t have the joy of remembering as other parents. Nor can I share the amusing stories with my daughters or my grandchildren the way other mothers do. I long for those moments when Bianca or Phoebe says to me, “Oh Mom! Please don’t tell that story again. It is so embarrassing!”

I tell the stories anyway – in my podcasts and blogs and blooks – because to tell the stories again makes the love grow stronger. It’s the love that helps me endure the loss and gives me the courage to reach out to others in similar families with autism.

My daughters (both of them) carried the burden of the chaos of our NeuroDivergent family. Bianca tried to warn me about the chaos with her incredibly insightful drawing, but I didn’t fully understand. I hope she knows I get it now and that I am here for her. I am here for both of my beautiful daughters and I need them both too. We can help each other heal by making new healthy, honest and happy memories together.

Retelling the story.

The most recent retelling of the stories of our lives together is published in the Anniversary Edition of “Life with a Partner or Spouse with ‘Asperger Syndrome’ (ASD): GOING OVER THE EDGE?” This time I don’t disguise the stories as I did back in 2009 (the first publishing). Not only do I admit that I am the main protagonist, Helen, but I finally acknowledge Bianca as the book cover illustrator.

Retelling our stories has been no less painful than the first time around, I have to say. But I do have that warm and cozy feeling of remembering with the ones I love. I hope they can feel it too.