Tag: marital problems

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

“I’d like to talk with you about something” she says.

“What now?” he asks with a sigh.

“Well I’d like to know what we are going to do about this problem” she says starting to get frustrated.

“I’ll take care of it. Stop pressuring me!” he shouts.

“I’m not pressuring you. I just want to help and I think we should talk about it,” she says imploringly.

“I said I’d take care of it. I’m working on it. Why won’t you get off my back?” he says emphatically.

If this dialog sounds familiar chances are you are married or in a long term committed relationship. Secondly this type of conversation is even more common for married couples who also happen to be business partners. Probably a week doesn’t go by without this type of dialog for entrepreneurial couples. It is not only extremely frustrating to have this miscommunication, but it can wreak havoc in the relationship.

To unravel this miscommunication and ultimately design an improved method of problem solving, you need to understand some gender differences that are the underpinnings of many misunderstandings between men and women.

First, when couples live and work together there is an increased potential for misunderstanding. It is not because entrepreneurial couples are worse communicators than other couples. Rather it is due to the fact that you talk more because you are together more often. The more you are around anyone and the more you talk with that person, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication, misunderstanding and arguments. Whether you like it or not entrepreneurial couples have to be even better communicators and even more patient with each other than do other couples.

Second, when you work with the one you love, misunderstandings carry more weight than they might with someone you are not as emotionally connected with. With your spouse, a parent or a child, you are much more concerned about getting along well with them. You care more what they think of you and if they believe you care about them. This emotional connection means that you are more sensitive to their criticism and potentially more defensive.

Third, men and women problem solve differently. Because men are very goal oriented problems become something they need to conquer. Women on the other hand are process oriented. This means they approach problems as opportunities to explore options. While men are competitive and want to prove themselves by solving the problem on their own, women strive to include others in the process of problem solving to come up with a group decision.

So if we take another look at the dialog above with these three considerations in mind, the miscommunication is much easier to unravel. First, the wife is trying to have a conversation with her husband about a subject that they have probably beaten to death, and with no resolution. She means well, but he feels like she is just shoving his face into the problem once again. Secondly, the husband also believes that she is accusing him of failing to solve the problem or to solve it quickly enough. In reality, she is offering to help him solve it. Third, the wife assumes that her husband understands that she is trying to help when she asks questions, but he can only hear that she is asking questions he cannot answer.

Let’s take a look at a revised dialog where the husband and wife recognize the communication differences between them and actually get to the bottom of the problem to be solved.

“I know that we have talked about this subject until both of us are tired of it. And I know that you have been working hard to think of a way to take care of this problem. I have a few more ideas that I want to share with you to see if we can finally come up with a solution. OK?” she asks.

“You’re right I am tired of it and I am doing the best I can. What more do you want from me?” he asks, with frustration.

“What I want is to help. I think the best solution will come from the two of us putting our heads together and brainstorming some ideas that will work for both of us. I want to take care of this as much as you do and I want to be part of the solution,” she says.

“Well I’d be happy to turn the problem over to you if you think you can handle it any better,” he retorts.

“No I don’t want to take it over all by myself. And I don’t want you to handle it all by yourself either. It’s too much for both of us separately, or it would have been solved by now. But together we can probably conquer it. Will you work with me? Hopefully we can come up with an answer that has a part for me and a part for you in it,” she suggests.

“Well I suppose, when you put it that way, that I could use the help. I haven’t been getting very far on my own. Thanks,” he concluded.

Now every dialog will not go this smoothly and there are probably an endless number of possibilities for problem solving this particular issue for this couple. However, what the new dialog does represent is that the couple is recognizing that their communication style needs to be respectful and specific in order for the other person to feel free of criticism.

They also recognize that they need to speak the other person’s language. Men need to recognize that the wife is not always criticizing when she is asking to discuss the status of a problem. Men need to hear her questions as an attempt to understand the problem and a way to ask what she can do to help. On the other hand, women need to recognize that the husband will not understand you want to help if you just ask questions. She needs to actually offer concrete help, such as “Let me make those phone calls, while you do the measuring.”

Even though working with your spouse can be a lot of work when it comes to navigating the communication pitfalls, you could look at the situation as an opportunity to fine tune your communication skills with all people, customers, employees and family members. The better you are at reading those subtle differences in style that can lead to tragedy or success, the more likely you are to be successful in all your communications in business.

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

One of the first things that most people ask a psychologist is for help communicating. Jimmy and Brent were no different. Jimmy wanted help developing a succession plan so that one day he could turn his profitable business over to his son Brent when Jimmy was ready to retire. Retirement was about ten years away so there was plenty of time to develop the plan and begin training the successor. The only problem was that the communication between father and son was atrocious.

Jimmy as a sole proprietor had run his business very successfully for many years. He had built it from the ground up with little help from anyone, bankers or friends. He and his wife raised their three children while growing the business. Two children were off working elsewhere and with no desire to come into the family business. Although they had worked summers and after school for Dad, they determined in college that their interests were elsewhere. The middle child Brent, however, worked steadily for Jimmy over the years. He never worked elsewhere in fact and was now identified as the successor.

The communication problems surfaced as the succession planning evolved. Brent had an employee mentality and seemed unaware that he needed to begin demonstrating leadership skills. Afterall, he had never had management responsibility until now, so was unaccustomed to it. In the course of training him to run the business Jimmy began turning over projects to Brent. However, Brent waited for guidance from Jimmy and never completed the projects. This infuriated Jimmy who lashed out at Brent. Brent withdrew and did even less work. Jimmy started making lists for Brent. And it went on like this until the two were thoroughly alienated.

To unscramble a communication mess like this it was necessary for Jimmy and Brent to begin listening to each other in a new way. Communication is more about listening than it is about talking. And communication is mostly about listening to the real meaning intended behind the words being spoken or written. For example, when my daughter Bianca was just three, she looked up at me with a very serious expression on her little face and said, “My neck is tight.”

Three-year-olds have limited life experience and an even more limited expressive vocabulary. Taking this into consideration I wondered if she was trying to tell me something but was using words in a way unfamiliar to me. Further, she was coming to me with her problem, so she must have thought telling me this would be of some help to her or me. Third, I asked myself how it might feel if my neck were tight. Then the light bulb went off. I asked her if her neck was tight on the inside and she nodded an affirmative. So I explained that we called that feeling a “sore throat,” and I gave her something to soothe the irritation.

There are a few simple tips you can begin practicing immediately to clear up communication problems you are having with your loved ones, employees, friends and business associates. First, listen for what the other person means not just what they are saying. Bianca was trying to tell me she had a sore throat and that she wanted help. Brent through his actions was demonstrating that he didn’t understand what leadership means. Jimmy can’t assume that Brent will catch on quickly if he has never had the opportunity to learn or practice this skill.

A second tip is to ask yourself “Why is he or she telling me this?” When people communicate they unconsciously and many times consciously identify a certain person to talk with. The person is chosen because the speaker needs a certain kind of feedback that they hope they will get from the person. My daughter Bianca chose to tell me about her sore throat because I am her mother and a person likely to care and to help her. Jimmy chose Brent to be his successor because they are father and son. Jimmy’s impatience with his son is because he expects Brent to understand him better than others and because he is the heir to the business. Jimmy cares about his son, not just the business. He wants his son to succeed, so he pushes.

Third, assume that the person has a very good reason for telling you their story. It is often easy to dismiss another person when they don’t make sense to you or perhaps are talking about something uninteresting. Often the only reason for talking is to connect with another person. If the other person is telling you something you already know, or sharing a tidbit of local gossip, or asking you questions about yourself, it is quite possible they are “just making conversation.” But this is no small thing. There is nothing small about “small talk.” It is a quick way to build rapport and trust between people. Often in our busy lives we skip the small talk and get on with the agenda.

Jimmy and Brent were more successful with their communication when they realized that at work they had seldom engaged in small talk. In the past, Brent had quickly learned to do his assignments and not interrupt his busy father. Thus when Jimmy began turning over important projects requiring more communication of an executive nature, Brent didn’t know what to do. He expected his father to give him an assignment, not ask for his opinion. When the two started to talk as peers, to engage in chitchat, Brent began to understand that his opinions mattered. He began to engage in more creative thinking which eventually lead to developing his innate leadership abilities.

Communicating is an art. It is a complex never ending process that requires your attention. If you assume because you are in the same family, or because you work in the same industry, or because you are both native English speakers, that understanding each other is simple, you will create confusion over and over again. On the other hand, if you try these three tips . . . listening for the meaning, noticing why the speaker chose you, and accepting the meaningfulness of all communication no matter how small . . . not only will your communication effectiveness grow, but your relationships will improve too. Doesn’t it feel good to be understood? Try giving that to others.

Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S., Licensed Psychologist and Family/Business Consultant is the author of ENTREPRENEURIAL COUPLES: Making It Work at Work and at Home (Davies-Black, 1998). She can be reached at (360) 256-0448 or www.kmarshack.com. Look for her new website especially for entrepreneurs www.executivecouples.com.

By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

Todd looked at me bewildered, as if to ask, “Can’t you make her see reason?” The tension in my office had been mounting between the couple as they discussed the likelihood of divorce. They had been at odds for years and everyone including friends, family, employees and business associates knew it. This couple never kept their disagreements secret. In fact, they openly fought in front of employees, just like Mom and Dad in front of the kids.

When the discussion got even more heated, I stepped in and tried to offer help to the husband who seemed so confused about his wife’s request for a divorce. “It’s simply that your wife doesn’t want to be your business partner any longer if she files for divorce.” “She doesn’t trust you anymore,” I said, “as a husband or a business partner.” This couple had built a successful business over many years of hard work. But as the business had grown successful, the marriage had foundered. Now the wife wanted out … out of the marriage and out of business.

Todd again looked at me as if I were speaking in riddles. “What’s trust got to do with it? I know that she wants a divorce. I am OK with that. But can’t she learn to be civil and still be my business partner? We stand to lose a lot of money if we have to split up the partnership.”

Unfortunately this scenario is all too common among couples and families who work together. The focus is so much on the business, so much on business success, so much on financial profit, that the family fails to keep tabs on the loving relationships that made the business partnership possible in the first place. As they ignore the signals that their personal life is sinking into oblivion, these couples and families seem to put even more energy into the business. It’s as if they are trying to save the sinking ship by putting on a new coat of paint.

Entrepreneurial families and couples are starting businesses at a phenomenal rate right now. There are powerful incentives to do so.

Not only are there terrific financial and ego rewards from self employment, but couples find that there is great joy in working with the ones you love. Where else can you find a more trustworthy, reliable, confidential business partner than your spouse or close family member? Todd and his wife started out this way. They had a dream and worked hard to make it a reality. They wanted to provide a quality of life for their children that would enable them to achieve even more than their parents had. They wanted freedom to create something out of nothing. They wanted to go beyond the limits employers always placed on them. They wanted to help each other grow as individuals and in their business/professional lives. At first Todd and his wife Laura were ecstatic with their new lives. They looked forward to each new day. They worked long hard hours but they were doing it together. This “togetherness” was inspiring. Somehow, their combined effort was synergistic and they created even more than they dreamed they could alone. Then something happened. It didn’t happen with a bang, but snuck up on them. Inch by insidious inch, Todd and Laura lost track of themselves as individuals and as a married couple. Instead they were business partners only. The business consumed them. Vendors, customers, employees, business associates, the CPA, their attorneys … all came before Todd and Laura and their love and friendship.

When Todd and Laura came to my office it appeared that all was lost for the marriage. The business was thriving and would carry on under the capable leadership of either one of them. There would be some financial loss, a few employees would quit, perhaps a contract would be lost, but ultimately, Todd and Laura had created a business that produced a quality service and customers were pleased and faithful. Even a divorce would not really threaten the business. Financial problems were not their worry. Rather, it was the value placed upon each of them as individuals and the value placed on their relationship that was suffering. This kind of problem erupts when entrepreneurs focus all of their attention on the competitive world of business and away from the nurturing world of family life and marriage.

When Laura asked Todd for a divorce, she made a bid for freedom from the tyranny of a one-track life. Better to get a divorce than go on living for nothing more than financial profit. Laura felt dead inside, something money could not heal, but love could. If Todd could no longer love her because the business had become his obsession, then she would seek love elsewhere. Laura was willing to admit that she had made the business her obsession too. It was not all Todd’s fault. She ignored the early warning signs just as he did. She too was thrilled with the status of achievement that came with self employment success. She even felt guilty for not doing something sooner so that she wouldn’t have to cause Todd such pain by asking for a divorce. “If only she had put her foot down sooner,” she thought.

The problem that Todd and Laura created for themselves is brought on by two major errors. The first error is building your life around the business. Remember the business is there to serve you, not the other way around. The business is a result of your creative energy, your vision. It reflects your personality, but it is not the master. Todd and Laura’s business was a success because it reflected the synergy of their collective talents and energies. Without them the business would have never been.

The second error is failing to confront problems head on when they first appear. Todd and Laura knew that they were spending too much time on the business. They justified it in those start up years as a necessity to get the business going. They justified it as years went by to stay ahead of the competition. They continued to justify it in later years because work is all they knew. But as the business grew under their careful and committed hands, their relationship was left untended and shriveling into a shadow of what it had been when they started the business.

Is it so hard to turn off your pager or cell phone and take a walk with your sweetheart? Couldn’t you squeeze in a little time to read a novel if you put down the trade journal? How about joining an adult soccer league instead of attending more business after-hours meetings? In other words, attend to your life, your whole life, just as carefully and mindfully as you do your business. If you have it in your power to create a successful thriving financial enterprise, can’t you put similar energy toward your emotional- spiritual-relationship enterprises?