Are You an Empathic Alpha Woman?

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” ~ Lalah Delia, author and wellness educator

Radiant Empathy Angels know who they are.

Many of us have the ability to empathize but it is rare to become a Radiant Empathy Angel. It takes courage and a lifetime of experience to have the wisdom to know what to do with empathic awareness.

Some might even call these Angels fearless, and it is certainly one of their attributes. But foolishly rushing in to help, or melting in despair with overwhelming sensitivity is not Radiant Empathy. To become a Radiant Empathy Angel means that you know what you know, and you know what to do, and you know when to do it, and you know that only you can do it, and you do it now!

I would add to that last sentence that you also must know who you are. Lalah Delia sums it up beautifully in the quote above, “She remembered who she was and the game changed.” In other words if you are an alpha and you know it, then you are halfway to becoming a Radiant Empathy Angel. In fact you may already be a Radiant Empathy Angel and just recognizing your alpha nature.

As you remember who you are, and allow your empathic alpha nature to emerge, you have become a Radiant Empathy Angel — and all around you will benefit.

What follows is my personal story of discovering my empathic alpha nature. I’d love to hear your story too.

What dogs know.

Yesterday I finally stepped up and protected my sweet dog Kokomo. As Kokomo pranced along, enjoying his evening neighborhood stroll, he came to an abrupt halt as he saw Oz walking toward us with his “person” Leslie. Kokomo fears Oz a large mixed breed dog (brindle with two different colored eyes) ever since Oz attacked him last year, tackling him to the ground and went in for a fierce bite on the neck!

On that day, I stopped Oz from doing any damage by grabbing him by the collar and dragging him off my dear sweet little English Cream Retriever. Kokomo lay on the ground shaking and helpless. I held Oz at bay (even though he was growling) until Leslie could run up and leash him. She apologized profusely, but ever since Kokomo and I are wary of Oz, who is frequently off leash.

This time, I saw that Oz was on his leash so I was more ready to play it safe and to walk on past without a look or a greeting to Leslie or her dog. Nevertheless, Oz began aggressively barking and lunging toward us. Leslie was pitiful. She held him tightly but kept saying things like, “Now Ozzie that’s not nice. Stop it.” These words are hardly sufficient for an aggressive dog hell-bent on killing you.

Kokomo froze in place but I was able to urge him on anyway — haltingly. Suddenly I got an inspiration. I stopped and turned back to confront Leslie and Oz (safely about 8 feet away). I looked past Leslie, who was still uttering pitiful commands to her dog while he continued barking and lunging. I looked directly at Oz, right in his eyes, raised my hand, pointed at him and said loudly and firmly “NO! NO!” As I lowered my hand slowly, Oz sat down next to his mistress and was silent. Then I turned to walk away. Kokomo came without a bit of hesitation and returned to his happy prance and swish of his beautiful “feathered” tail.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn what dogs know. Both Kokomo and Oz recognize that I am an Alpha woman, but they have different reactions to me. Kokomo easily accepts that I am the boss and I am the envy of many dog owners. But I never thought it was me. I thought I just acquired an easy going doggy. Now I know it’s me.

Oz on the other hand is intimidated by me. He knows that Leslie is weak and can’t protect him. He is so fearful that he gets aggressive and looks terrifying with those big teeth snarling at me. And even though he attacked Kokomo in the past, he was letting me know how he felt about me too. When I stared him down and issued a stern command he instantly complied, much to Leslie’s astonishment.

I am no Cinderella.

I get it that dog trainers will tell you never grab an aggressive dog by the collar, or turn and face the dog, or look them in the eye and yell a command. I agree 100% — unless you are an Alpha like me. If you are not an Alpha, the dog will make meat out of your hand or your face. But in my experience, if you are an Alpha your best solution is to turn and face the attacking dog. Honestly this has been my experience over and over again.

I am no Cinderella who sings to the birds and mice while they come over to sit in her hand. As much as I love wildlife and live in a beautiful, forested home overlooking the Pacific ocean, all animals I have ever encountered defer to me. From the tiny mouse who stood quivering in the bedroom until I dropped a glass bowl over him, and I slid a cookie sheet underneath to entrap him, and carried him to the garden — to the Grizzly Mama Bear and cub I encountered while hiking a trail with my daughter Phoebe in Glacier park. I turned to face the Grizzly’s while telling my daughter to silently move behind a boulder. I did not look Mama Bear in the eye (I knew better), but I stood steadfast on the trail, legs astride and arms at my side (except for the slow motion moment I decided to take a photo to show non-believers!!!). Both Phoebe and I were silent as we watched the bears stop, look from side to side as they examined their options — and made the decision to leave the trail to me.

Not only have I stopped aggressive dogs instantly with firm words but I have also inspired more timid dogs to defer. My assistant Emily brought her darling Golden Retriever puppy to work with her for several weeks when she first adopted the dog. Much to Emily’s chagrin, the puppy was eager to greet me each time I emerged from my private office. That might not have been a problem except that the wiggly puppy greeting involved peeing on the carpet right in front of me!

Emily complained that the puppy never peed in front of anyone but me. In fact Emily was so bold as to ask me not to leave my office on the days she brought the dog. Of course that would never work since it was my psychologist’s office. But one day as she complained loudly about the fact that she couldn’t seem to control the dog from peeing when I was around, a client waiting for me mentioned that she knew what was going on. As a dog trainer herself, she explained to us that the dog behavior is known as “submissive peeing.” Yes once again, I proved to be an Alpha woman.

Using my alpha strengths with humans.

I have plenty of Alpha encounters with people too, both favorable and unfavorable. I remember getting my first professional job at age 25, having just completed my Masters in Social Work degree. As I got to know the other staff, learned my way around the job, took on a full caseload of clients in an office of the State of Oregon’s Children’s Service Division, I started asking more questions about “the system.” I was young and naïve then and had no idea that government social service and mental health agencies are not every efficient — nor kind. My boss didn’t mind the questions, but she did wonder why I was not doing more to change the system (or as Lalah Delia suggests change the game). I was stumped that she thought I had the wherewithal to do that, but now I know she was recognizing my Alpha leanings.

On the darker side of my Alpha experiences, I encountered a judge who was so terrified of me, that she filed a complaint against me with my licensing board. The complaint was not about my professional behavior, but that I dared to disagree with her determination to bring my children into the courtroom to testify against their parents (during my hostile divorce). I would never put my children through such an experience but apparently the judge (and a woman) thought this made perfect sense.

I have written about the time I discovered a secret memo written by the Chief City Prosecutor (Josephine Townsend) in which she maligned my character and made several false statements about me. I had no idea I had made this woman so angry with me that she tried to destroy my career, my family and my life. The memo floated through City Hall for five years before I discovered it and sued for libel. Gosh that was a huge life lesson for this empathic Alpha woman.

Mostly though my experiences as an Alpha have turned out well. Because I am empathic and have courage and now have tons of life and professional experience, I find great joy in helping others through their dilemmas and sorrows. It makes a difference to my clients to have a Radiant Empathy Angel as a guide.

Empathy is the defining element.

I was curious what I would find on this topic when I “Googled” the term empathic alpha woman. Here’s what I got from Google’s new Artificial Intelligence system:

An alpha female is a powerful, confident, and self-assured woman who is often in a leadership role and is frequently seen as strong and independent. She is bold, not afraid to take charge, and is known for her leadership qualities, such as assertiveness and confrontation. Alpha females are also said to be ambitious, self-driven, and likable, and people often seek their help and advice.

Ai skipped the empathic part though. Empathy often slips under the radar as if empathy and strength or leadership do not go together. But I am willing to bet that it is empathy that is actually the defining element for Radiant Empathy Angels.

• It was my empathy that made me stop and confront Oz because in a flash of insight I understood he was afraid and needed me to be strong.
• It was my empathy that stopped the mouse so that I could rescue the tiny creature and put him outside.
• It was my empathy that protected my daughter when the Human Mama and the Grizzly Mama connected on the mountain trail.
• It was my empathy that quietly called to Emily’s puppy and enabled her to show her deference in the only way a little doggy could do.
• It was my empathy that led my boss to believe I had the ability to change the game.
• It was my empathy that led to the judge’s and the city prosecutor’s bad behavior, (because they were intimidated like Oz) and they could have chosen to be better people, but they both lost these encounters because I am also tenacious.

Empathy is the defining element for Radiant Empathy Angels. Not all of us can be alphas, nor empathic Alphas but we can all do better to practice empathy as best we can. Even if you are not a Radiant Empathy Angel, you can do your best to support those who are. They can’t do it alone. A courageous leader needs a team.

If you are an Alpha woman and you have strong empathy skills you will be drawn into the world of leadership as Ai describes. You can become a powerful, confident, self-assured Alpha woman, but most importantly it takes waking up to who you are — remembering who you really are — in order to take on the challenges of being a Radiant Empathy Angel.