The Dream About Scratch & Sniff Dating Cards

Why It Isn’t Really About Dating

Last night I had a dream.

Someone had invented Scratch & Sniff Dating Cards.

At first, it seemed like a brilliant idea.

On one side of the card were three pleasant scents designed to tell you everything you needed to know about a person. Coffee. Vanilla. Ocean breeze. You scratch the card, take a sniff, smile, and think:

“I like this person.”

But then I noticed something.

The card had another side.

And that side changed everything.

We Fall in Love with Side One

Most relationships begin with Side One.

This is the side that attracts us.

A beautiful smile.

A quick wit.

Intelligence.

Shared interests.

Kindness.

Adventure.

Chemistry.

Maybe something that simply feels familiar.

We all have a Side One. It’s the side we introduce to the world.

But eventually life asks us to turn the card over.

Then We Meet Side Two

On the other side are things that weren’t obvious at first.

A troubled childhood.

Fear of rejection.

A need for solitude.

Impulsiveness.

Forgetfulness.

Loyalty.

Honesty.

Different ways of expressing love.

Different ways of processing emotion.

Different ways of experiencing the world.

In other words, we discover a human being.

Many people describe this moment as a bait and switch.

“I didn’t know this when we married.”

“This isn’t who I thought you were.”

But often no one was being deceptive.

The card simply had another side.

And perhaps neither person knew everything that was written there.

The Familiarity We Don’t Understand

Recently I received a beautiful email from a woman named Beata. She explained that she has ADHD and is married to an autistic husband.

As she learned more about NeuroDivergence, she began to recognize patterns in her family. She realized that her mother was likely autistic and her father likely had ADHD.

Then she wrote something remarkable:

“My husband was a combination of them two that felt familiar.”

What a powerful insight.

Sometimes we are drawn to people because they feel familiar long before we understand why.

Not because they are perfect.

Not because they are flawed.

Because something about them resonates with our history.

Then, years later, we turn over the card and begin to understand what we were sensing all along.

“You’re Talking About My Life”

Just this week I had a medical appointment.

My physician and I were discussing our plans to continue seeing clients on a part-time basis as we get older. She asked me more about my work.

As I described NeuroDivergent relationships, she suddenly stopped and said:

“You are talking about my life.”

She then shared that her husband is “a little bit autistic.”

Once again, another person turning over the card.

Another moment of recognition.

I’ve noticed this happens frequently.

People hear these stories and suddenly realize they are not hearing about someone else.

They are hearing about themselves.

The Card Isn’t Really About Dating

The more I thought about my dream, the more I realized the card wasn’t really about dating.

It’s about life.

Parents discover new sides of their children.

Children discover new sides of their parents.

Friends discover new sides of one another.

Spouses discover new sides of each other.

And sometimes, decades later, we discover new sides of ourselves.

The card keeps unfolding.

What we thought we knew at twenty-five may look very different at forty-five.

What we thought we understood at forty-five may deepen at sixty-five.

Human beings are wonderfully complex.

There is always another side.

Be Curious

When we finally turn over the card, perhaps twenty years later, we have a choice.

We can judge what we find.

Or we can become curious.

Curiosity asks different questions.

What shaped this person?

What fears are hidden beneath the behavior?

What strengths are hidden alongside the struggles?

What gifts have I overlooked?

What have I not yet understood?

Curiosity doesn’t excuse harmful behavior.

But it often opens the door to understanding.

And understanding opens the door to compassion.

Perhaps the most important words we can say to another person are:

“Tell me more.”

Because the first side of the card may explain attraction.

But understanding begins when we turn the card over.

And if we’re fortunate, we discover that there are far more than two sides after all.