Fatigue Is Normal in ASD/NT Relationships

Fatigue Is Normal in ASD/NT Relationships Why are you always tired? I mean, bone weary exhausted? When you live with someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, this becomes our normal state. Emotional abuse, lack of respect for boundaries, no reciprocity, fighting for a scrap of time for yourself, and many more issues all lead to a constant state of fatigue.I’m happy to say that many NT’s in my Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, are actually pretty healthy, because they’ve learned how to practice self care. (NT refers to the partner without Asperger’s Syndrome. It stands for neuro typical.) Even so, fatigue sets in. Why? It’s fatiguing because no one is really designed for the daily emotional stress that comes with living with someone who doesn’t fully understand empathy. I suspect it takes years off your life.

According to a 2017 study, “Research and insight into NT/AS relationships” by Faaas, Inc and JA Morgan BEd Grad Dip, “fatigue, resilience and (non-productive) coping were all significant predictors of partners’ anxiety and depression.” (You can read their PDF Report here.)

Interestingly, NTs are not the only ones experiencing fatigue. People with Asperger’s Syndrome also experience a great deal of fatigue, because they have to consciously process things with their intellect, as their brain doesn’t do it automatically.

If you’re a member of my Asperger Syndrome: Partners and Family of Adults with ASD Meetup, I invite you to join the low cost video conference entitled: Fatigue Is Normal in ASD/NT Relationships. It will be help on Tuesday, November 13th and again on Tuesday, November 27th. In this video conference, we’ll get serious about self care and practice boundary setting. Setting strong boundaries with our Aspies is as important as taking time out for yourself.

Would you like personalized help in developing boundaries in your relationship? If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.

9 Replies to “Fatigue Is Normal in ASD/NT Relationships”

  1. Its very sad that in most cases we are unaware that he has ASD.

    My „relationship” started like a fairytale and ended after 1 year (half of this was a totally horror which caused my depression, mental breakdown, loss of hair, anxiety, and 1 year later Im still dammaged/ he didnt hurted at all…)

    He is programming engineer (44yo) and Im a lawyer (37) We were totally in love, many plans for future, he was loving, gentle and caring and suddenly after ca. 5 months he started to show really weird and hurtfull behaviours. He blamed me and punished me for everything, even small things were problematic like mountains.

    He was very judgemental but he reacted almost HISTERICAL for even small innocent critique. Once I stated that he’s shoes are dirty and it look bad (even cleaned them for him) he took it as big insult (!) remembered it and was vindictive about it many times.

    But he had No problem to insult me with HORRIFIC bad words (w@ore, stupid idiot, „disgusting fraud, etc) after disagreements for things blowed out of proportions. His behaviours turned unexpected & quickly in to heavy EMOTIONAL ABUSE

    Examples: he SPITTED on me !!!! Just because I was bit sulky and offended after some disagreement we had and we went to his friends for a party, I scrolled most of the time on my phone and was sad and sulky (he ignored me) his friend took it as Im negative, after party he said that I showed big disrespect for him and his friends (…) and spitted at me in big rage.

    He threw away my belongings on my doormat ca 4 times after disagreement.

    He ran away and left me alone crying after he done or said something hurtfull.
    Ev. he just stared at me and waited for me to just stop crying. No emotions, NO PROPER REACTION, nothing. When I started calling him out, why he is so cruel while im crying, he stated that „the fact that I stopped crying and calling him out on his behaviour is an evidence that I faked crying just to manipulate him” (…)

    He is very succesful programmist but in emotional& life area behaved like someone who starts learning basics (he is 44 yo!). Often he searched in Google for „knowledge” about daily situations or „rules” and showed me that something is right even if that was a quote and I could easilly find similar quotes for opposite opinion (…) delusional

    Despite of the fact that Ive done everything in his house (cooking, cleaning, decorating) he refused to help me by Putting heavy vacuum cleaner in the closet as I wanted to dry my hair (!!!) He said he will not do such things and leaved my house, I cried… DEMAND AVOIDANCE? In this time I was shocked to the core, that man can refuse such basic minimal help for a woman who did everything in his house.

    He GASLIGHTED me and reinterpreted facts in crazy ways. He was always right even after insulting me, he still saw himself as authority in area of good behaviour and mannerism, just because he was extreme nice to other people (that was evidence that he is respected and right). He leaved me in really hurtfull situations (looked like abandoning or even breaking up) and then came after 1 day without any remorse expecting that I will „not talk about the past” and „be positive” ( he was positive and calm…)

    My first idea was Asperger but I excluded it because of his high competence to gain friends and contacts, so I „diagnosed” heavy NPD. All traits from Narcisstic disorder matched ….. I refused his 4months„hoover” thinking that he is a narcisst.

    He claimed that he loves me all the time, milion words about love and told me that we should reingage to sory things out, but he didnt changed his behaviours. at all.

    He STALKED me and send many hurtfull vindictive mails , even throwed my belongings in front of my door (I cried till getting fever).

    He stonewalled me and gave me SILENT TREATMENT milion times after he done something hurtfull

    As I was devastated for many months he started to partying and „recruited” new girlfriend in a 1 month (….) without any remorse, nothing.

    Im still trying to recover since 9 months and still feel depressed after all the hurt he caused. My therapist suspects it was 99% ASD because of his weird blindfull behaviours. I regret that I didnt stayed by my first „diagnosis” and thought he is a narcissist.

    His behaviours were often weird inadequate and really cruel and it looked really intentional, sometimes it looked like he doesnt know What he is doing. I loved him so much and now Im killing myself with thoughts that it could work out if I would react differently (I was hyperemotional cried loudly in this time etc).

    The thought, that he will not hurt the next partner (that I was some kind of „training girl” for him and now he will behave properly with next one is killing me inside.
    I feel used and abused.

    1. Hi Kassandra, I read your story with a ASD partner and I relate to so many things you’ve said. I broke up with my ASD girlfriend a few months ago and I’ve been struggling so much too.
      I would love to hear more about your thoughts and feelings. I think it could help to share our feelings about this because unless you’ve been with someone with ASD, no one will understand how it really is and it’s so lonely.

      1. I am 2 years in. She is exhausting. Her and her dog can do no wrong but me and my daughter are always the issue.

        I feel like I’m walking on egg shells and am still always wrong. If I try to explain my side, I get told not to back chat.

        It’s a nightmare, she is at counselling but nothing is improving.

        I can’t decide if I wait to see if this therapy helps or cut my loses and leave.

    2. He sounds Narcissistic and not Asperger’s. I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. It was horrible. I wish I had left much sooner. It took me over a year to mainly get over the abuse but sometimes I battle with the negative recorder of what he said to me still today, over 5 years later.
      Stay away from this person. You are brave, important and worthy of love and happiness. I hope and pray you are safe now and working towards recovery and having a wonderful life in the future. If course I hope you are having a very good life right now as you work through everything and become yourself again.

    3. Wow
      To read my life written by someone else brings me a glint of hope it’s not me.
      I thought from day one my “partner” was autistic or something, but not like my autistic son! As my son even said to him, why is my mum crying and you didn’t stand up for her look at her.
      So thank you
      I thought he could be Asperger’s or narcissist.
      As his traits are similar.
      I’ve even fallen out with his mother due to his behaviour and even her behaviour as they both are rude and disrespectful towards me and my feelings.
      His family do no wrong but me he will argue with over them! Even argue over the ex wife that he claimed he never wanted to spend 15 years with.
      I have been with him 3 half years to keep believing he’s going to change
      He would twist and turn it all on to me and copy my words and speech and throw hundred excuses at me. He would talk over me constantly and provoke me , wind me up. when I cried he spun it on to me rather than put his arm around me and comfort me. Even when he finally admitted sorry days later.
      I live with hope he will change but his family and mother think he’s an angel.
      It’s causing me pain.
      My friends and family tell me please leave him he’s abusing you mentally
      So sad

  2. After almost 20 years of being in a relationship with a neurodiverse partner, being both madly in love and frustrated/sad all at the same time, I think the stress had a most extreme effect – Leukemia. 6 months in a hospital, chemo and bone marrow transplant. I am now healing and no longer with my partner. I am very sad but no longer have anxiety.
    What a journey.

  3. I relate to all of you. The question is it narcissism? Because the disregard and mean things said seem purposeful. Perhaps the same part of the brain is effected. I just don’t know. I’m guessing all of you are kind, empathic and caring people and the experience of someone not caring how they hurt you feels awful. No one who hasn’t lived it can understand the confusion. Who are you? What did you just say? Why did you do that? Why don’t you care? How can you say something so mean to me? Hugs and thanks for sharing.

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